ACT ONE SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau, Episode One - The Theatre of Danger, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Crash Morgan, Special Agent FBI, Fighter Pilot and ex-Football Hero, also secretly the cannonball Crusader known only as the Human Rocket, fearlessly fights evil's forces where-ever he finds them aided only by his sidekick Buddy Brannigan.

Our story begins in a deserted Mansion just outside Metropolitan City ...

Thunder rumbles

DIETRICH
The Contessa De D'Urbervilles. Your reputation precedes you.

Contessa
You are too kind, Herr Hauptman. Why have I been summoned here?

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! Get the lady some wine! Issa beautiful night!

Thunder rumbles again

Well, maybe not a beautiful night! But wine for the lady!

DIETRICH
You know Doctor Zabligioni, the Count of Monte Pastrami?

CONTESSA
I've not had the pleasure.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! We can do something about that! Some wine! Some music! Lotsa dancing! You like a to dance? I like a to dance. I like to dance real close...

CONTESSA But his reputation also precedes him.

ZABLIGIONI
I love a the ladies. Issa my blessing and a my curse.

KATANA
Hai!

DEITRICH
General Katana

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO
My master says your prattle offends him. Still your mongrel tongue.

ZABLIGIONI
My mongrel tongue issa my blessing and a my curse.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA

We are hear to crush the Capatalist Running Dogs. Desist your foolish innuendos.

CONTESSA
General Katana.

KATANA
Hai!

CONTESSA
If I am not mistaken, you were educated at Cambridge.

YOKO
My master has sworn never again to sully his person by speaking again your vile language.

KATANA
Hai!

Another low rumble.

CONTESSA
I see. Why have you brought us here, Dietrich?

DEITRICH
You are a famed archaeologist. Franz!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

Tinkly music.

DIETRICH
You recognise this?

CONTESSA
I would say ... It is a figurine of Ashani...A minor Sumerian sun Goddess, although the detail is strange. I have never seen one rendered in metal before. Most strange. I do not recognise the alloy ...

DEITRICH
I would not expect you to.

ZABLIGIONI
Mama mia! Give it! Give it to me!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO, over KATANA
You shame you ancestors with your oafish manners.

Clicking noise

ZABLIGIONI, excited
Issa...issa...hey! Where a did you get this?

DIETRICH
You know this metal?

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! I'm a scientist! It's a my blessing and my curse! I know all the metals! But I never sen this! Irsa ... Itsa ... It can only be ...

DIETRICH
Yes! Yes!

ZABLIGIONI
Radium X!

Sting

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO, over KATANA
This mineral exists only in theory! With it ... with it we could ...

CONTESSA
We could generate cheap, endless power. We could feed the world!

DIETRICH
Actually, we were thinking along the lines of a bomb sort of thing ...

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

ZABLIGIONI
Si! Build a bomb! A great big bomb!

DIETRICH
The most powerful bomb the world has ever seen! And then!

CONTESSA
Then ...

DIETRICH
The world would be ours!

Laughter over thunder and lightning

But this pitiful sample is insufficient. We need much. Much more.

ZABLIGIONI
We must a have it!

KATANA
Hai!

DIETRICH
And that my dear Contessa, is where you come in ...
Segue to:


ACT ONE SCENE TWO

LILY
Hello? Hiya?

GABBLES
Hey hey hey! What ya doin' here? You wanna come in here buy a ticket like anyone else?

LILY
I was told the auditions were here?

GABBLES
Ohhh! The auditions! Go talk to the big guy with the moustache!

LILY
What?

GABBLES
The! Big! Guy! With! The! Moustache!

LILY
Oh, right. Thanks.

GABBLES
Don't mention it my YOU PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW THAT AIN'T NO TOY pleasure

LILY
Hello?

CRASH
LILY!

LILY
Hey! Don’t I know you?

CRASH
Never met you before in my life.

LILY
Oh. Right. Anyway, I'm here for the audition for the new musical Circus Follies and ... I do known you!

CRASH
No, you don't

LILY
Yeah! I do!

CRASH
My name's Lefty Ramone and I'm just a stagehand.

LILY
You sound awful familiar, too.

CRASH
Trust me Lily. You don't know me. We've never even met.

LILY
Then how do you know my name?

CRASH
Er ...

LILY
And your moustache! It's peeling off!

CRASH
Goldarn it!

LILY, loud
You'd better come clean right now, buster!

CRASH
Ssh! Ssh! All right, Lily! It's me! Crash! Crash Morgan!

LILY
Crash! Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I. ex-Football Hero and Ham Radio Enthusiast! But you've been missing for months ! What are you doing here?

CRASH
There's a new racket smuggling archaeological artefacts into the city and Police Chief Gilhooley asked us to investigate undercover, me and Buddy.

LILY
Buddy? Buddy's here? Buddy Brannigan, Faithful Sidekick and Teenage Adventurer? Here? Buddy Brannigan, in Metropolitan City? This Metropolitan City? The Buddy Brannigan who I saved from fiery explosive death those long months ago? He's here? In Metropolitan City? The same Buddy Brannigan for who I betrayed my main squeeze Eddie "The Bard" Malone only to have him mysteriously disappear without a trace or a word? That Buddy Brannigan? Here, now, in Metropolitan City?

CRASH
He still means something to you, doesn't he?

LILY
Aw geez ...

CRASH
Look, you have to keep it quiet. Can you do that?

LILY
Yeah, sure.

CRASH
Rehearsal's in the auditorium. That way. Break a leg.

LILY
Sure, Thanks a bunch.

Segue


ACT ONE SCENE THREE

FAIRWEATHER
Where is it? Now where did I put it?

WEINSTEIN
What?

FAIRWEATHER
Have you seen my pipe old chap? I left it around here somewhere ... Ah! Found it!

WEINSTEIN
I'm trying to work here!

FAIRWEATHER
What are you doing, old chap?

WEINSTEIN
Well, if you must know ... I'm rebuilding the rocket suit!

FAIRWEATHER
The astounding rocket suit with which our yound friend Crash Morgan previously battled crime in his alter ago of the Cannonball Crusader known only as the Human Rocket, prior to our sojourn to the Red Planet Mars?

WEINSTEIN
No. I want to go to the shops. What do you think?

FAIRWEATHER
Seeing you working on that takes me back, you know ...

WEINSTEIN
If only.

FAIRWEATHER
Flying low over the fields of France in a Sopwith Camel, flak bursting all around me. Still those days are over now. It's Crash's time now ... Do you know, we haven't seen Crash for a while!

WEINSTEIN
He's doing something for Chief Gilhooley, I think.

Knocking

Oh great. Now it's a party.

FAIRWEATHER
I'll get it

Door.

GLENN
Hello Daddy. Professor Weinstein.

FAIRWEATHER
Glenn! My Baby girl!

WEINSTEIN
Oh great.

FAIRWEATHER
Oh great.

FAIRWEATHER
So ... what brings Glenn Fairweather, the London English Evening Post's star reporter all the way from faraway England to Metropolitan City?

GLENN
Oh, Daddy. How could you forget? Today is Kitty's fifteenth anniversary.

FAIRWEATHER
Of course. I could never forget, although Lord knows I've tried.

GLENN
Poor Kitty.

FAIRWEATHER
Yes, Poor Kitty

GLENN
Poor, poor Kitty.

FAIRWEATHER
Poor Kitty.

GLENN
And Mother, of course.

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. But mainly Kitty.

GLENN
Yes. Poor, poor Kitty.

WEINSTEIN
Enough with the poor Kitty! Who's Kitty?

FAIRWEATHER
It was fifteen years ago today ... My dear wife Antonia, a noted paleonthropologist second only to, well, myself, had taken an expedition to South American in search of the fabled Lost Plateau of Kongala, a mysterious and mythical island of antiquity enshrouded in the deep mists and believed to be found somewhere in the far uncharted rainforests there. My darling Glenn here had flu and stayed here with me in the United States where my lecturing duties had kept me, while her identical twin sister Kitty travelled with her mother. The last communication we had was that my darling Antonia had a lead to the South and took a flight to explore. Why? Why? Oh why?

WEINSTEIN
To find the fabled and mysterious Lost Plateau of yadda yadda yadda?

FAIRWEATHER
No! Why oh why did she choose to ignore sound meteorological advice and fly directly into the path of a ferocious storm? She stood no chance. Her flimsy aeroplane would have been torn asunder, like a butterfly in sxome enormous machine filled with whirring blades, and, possibly, some form of grating apparatus. Why? Why? Oh why?

GLENN
Oh, Daddy ...

FAIRWEATHER
No trace of wreckage was ever found and ... poor, poor Kitty.

GLENN
Poor, poor Kitty ...

WEINSTEIN
So! Changing the subject! How's work.

GLENN
Well, if you must know ... I was fired!

WEINSTEIN
I had to ask ...

FAIRWEATHER
Fired! My word!

GLENN
Yes. They wouldn't believe the reason for my disapearance six months ago. They wouldn't even give me a chance to explain!

WEINSTEIN
We are all accidentally went to Mars in a Matter Transmitter Ray accident. What's to explain?

FAIRWEATHER
Well, quite.

GLENN
But I managed to get them to give me another chance, and so they've sent me to interview the world famous Victor Lucakz!

FAIRWEATHER
Well I never!

GLENN
It's just Society nonsense, not real reporting at all.

FAIRWEATHER
Victor Lucakz, you say!


GLENN
That's right, yes.

FAIRWEATHER
My word. The world famous Victor Lucakz!

GLENN
Yes.

FAIRWEATHER
Well well ... The Victor Lucakz.

WEINSTEIN
You don't know who he is, do you?

FAIRWEATHER
No, I'm afraid I have no idea at all ...

GLENN
He's a world-famous director of both the stage and screen, Daddy. Surely you've heard of his musicals? The Laughing Soldiers? Broadway Jack? Or his movies? Everbody's seen his movies.

FAIRWEATHER
I'm not really one for going out, you know. I'd rather settle down with a nice glass of sherry, a roaring fire, maybe a good book and a good rough shag.

WEINSTEIN
Oy.

GLENN
Well, he's auditioning at the Playhouse Royale this week with a new show. And in the meantime, well I was hoping you might have a look at this.

FAIRWEATHER
What is it?

GLENN
I found this, Daddy. I brought it from a disreputable antiques dealer down on 5th and North.

WEINSTEIN
Let us see!

Tinkly noise.

FAIRWEATHER
Amazing! Kakapoopoo, the God of Fertilisation! The detail is astounding!

GLENN
Yes. Holding his little gourd and standing on his little hill of earth.

FAIRWEATHER
Er. That's not earth ...


WEINSTEIN
Oy.

GLENN
And he's so generously ... proportioned ...

WEINSTEIN
I said oy!

FAIRWEATHER
And the metal is unfamiliar, strangely warm to the touch ...

WEINSTEIN
Warm to the touch? Let me see. Give it! Give! Give!

Clicking noise

Radioactive! It is impossible! This is Radium X! Mein Gott, this is wunderbar! Where did you get this?

GLENN
I told you where! The gentlemen wouldn't say where he got it. He was jolly rude actually. Apparently I have swell gams...

WEINSTEIN
Possibly you do, but this is beside the point! Don't you understand how important this is?

GLENN
Not really

WEINSTEIN
Oy! I am surrounded by dumbkopfs and numbskulls!

GLENN
But the box it came in has this ...

WEINSTEIN
A ticket snub!

FAIRWEATHER
For the Playhouse Royale!

Segue


ACT ONE. SCENE FOUR

GABBLES
You! You there! What d'ya think you're doing?

BUDDY
Think?

GABBLES
Think! Think! Think! What, ya deaf?

BUDDY
No.

GABBLES
And that's it, huh? Smart guy, huh?

CRASH
It's okay, Gabbles. He's with me. He's here for the audition.

GABBLES
Hey! Lefty! Maybe you wanna buy something pretty? For your girl, if'n you got a girl!

CRASH
We're fine thanks.

GABBLES
You sure? Real fine merchandise, can't get it anywhere else!

CRASH
I said we're fine.

GABBLES
You sure?

CRASH
We're sure. Thanks.

GABBLES
Its your loss. Catch ya later, guys!

BUDDY, hushed
So, how's it going, Crash?

CRASH
Not well. If there's anything shady going on here I certainly can't find it.

GABBLES
You sure you're sure?

CRASH
Yes Gabbles, we're sure! (back to Buddy) And something else, Lily's here!

BUDDY
Wait! Lily's here? Lily Lansdale, Former Ganster's Moll and Lounge Singer? Here? Lily Lansdale, in Metropolitan City? This Metropolitan City? This Metropolitan City? The Lily Lansdale who saved us from fiery explosive death those long months ago? She's here? In Metropolitan City? The same Lily Lansdale who betrayed Eddie "The Bard" Malone to save us before we were transported to Mars in a bizarre scientific accident? That Lily Lansdale? Here, now, in Metropolitan City?

CRASH
She still means something to you, doesn't she?

BUDDY
Aw Geez...

GABBLES
ALL RIGHT! LINE RIGHT UP!

Buddy
I better go.

CRASH
All right. You go. Break a leg.

Segue.

ACT ONE. SCENE FIVE

CONTESSA
" Circus Follies, a new musical directed by Victor Lucatz. Coming Soon." This is the place.

ZABLIGIONI
I love a the musical theatre. So! What a we gonna do?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
We kill them all until they talk. We will drink their blood like cheap sake.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! Issa plan! Issa not a good plan but issa plan!

CONTESSA
As much as it pains me to admit it - the Count has a point.

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
You have a better idea, foolish and degenerate ones?

ZABLIGIONI
Maybe we just go in and we say hey! You look like a nice guys. Where can a we getta our hands on one of these bambinos?

Tinkly music.

CONTESSA
Put that away!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
You are like a woman with huge feet!

KATANA
Hai!

CONTESSA
Sacre bleu! Give me strength ... No, monsieurs, some work requires a woman's touch ...

Segue

ACT ONE SCENE SIX

BUDDY
Excuse me, is this the queue for -

LILY
Buddy!

BUDDY
Lily! Aw Geez ... you look so pretty ...

LILY
And you're looking so manly and rugged.

BUDDY
Aw Geez!

LILY
Why did you leave me Buddy? I thought we were special. I was kinda hoping we could go...steady!

BUDDY
I wanted that, but Geez, first the Matter Transmitter Ray exploded and then we went to Mars and then we all got kidnapped and then we escaped but then I hadn't and then I thought Crash was dead and then I had to dress up as a Bridesmaid, but Crash weasn't dead, but then Tang returned and we had to find a mystical sword and then when I got back to Earth we had to go undercover and then I -

LILY
Buddy!

BUDDY
Lily?

LILY
If you didn't want to see me no more, you should have just said so!

BUDDY
Aw Geez, no! It's the truth! I wanted to see you lots! You're swell, for a girl, and all!

LILY
Well, whoop-di-doo!

BUDDY, perplexed
Is that good?

LILY
You figure it out, Mister I-been-to-Mars!

BUDDY, frustrated
Well, I don't know! No-one ever said "Whoop-di-doo!" to me before! How do I know what it means?

LILY
Honestly, you're such a child! Maybe what I needs a REAL man!

FLINT
Excuse me. Is this queue for the audience?

LILY
Oh, yeah. I'm Lily, and this is Buddy. I'm auditioning for the part of Maisie, the acrobat with the heart of gold.

FLINT
Flint Brutholm. I'm auditioning for the role of Marko, the Policeman whose family died tragically in fire and yet who must go undercover as a fire-eater in order to find their long-ago killer.

BUDDY
Yeah. I was going for that too...

FLINT
I've just done Shakespeare in the park, some rep work, a little film. I just had a walk on in the lates RKO picture. What did you do last?

BUDDY
The baby Jesus?

FLINT
Well, okay. Do you do your own stunts?

BUDDY
I can spit my gum real good?

FLINT
Well, I can see how that might come in real handy.

BUDDY
Aw Geez...

Segue

ACT FOUR SCENE SEVEN

GABBLES
Hey! What ya doin' back here?

CRASH
I thought I saw someone moving around here out back ...

GABBLES
No one here! Stop slacking off and get back to your work!

CRASH
Anyway, what are you doing back here?

GABBLES
Er ...

CRASH
You know, this deserted part of the theatre might be the perfect place to hide hidden contraband ... Oh, well. You're right. I'm probably just being foolish.

GABBLES
Er, yeah ... yeah, right. If anyone was here I'd know about it anyhow. You get a sense for that kind a stuff when you spend time out in the wild!

CRASH
The wild?

GABBLES
Yeah! I used to be in the army! I remember one time we got lost in South America, you ain't never gonna guess what we found!

CRASH
Really?

GABBLES
Yeah, I told Mister Lucakz all about it and it's gonna put him on the map, but why shouldn't a working joe make a little bread on the side, huh?

CRASH
You know, I know what you're saying.

cracking noise

There IS someone back there!

GABBLES
Nah! It's a rat is all!

A cough.

We got a lot a sick rats! Ah, forget about it! I'm getting back to work ...

Footsteps off

CRASH
And I'm going to take a closer look ...

Segue

ACT FOUR SCENE EIGHT

Murmur of voices.

VICTOR
Welcome, all! I am Victor!

ALL, various
Hi ... Hello ... Hi there.

VICTOR
You are all come to take place in my art, and you will bleed, for art is like a woman, cruel and demanding. I respect that. To those who fall today, I spit on you. Ptooie! Ptooie, but it will make you strong! In this Nietzche was correct, although he did not dance. But! You will be resplendent, transcendent.

LILY
Ain't he the greatest?

BUDDY
I guess

FLINT
He is a genius.

VICTOR
You!

BUDDY
Who? Me?

VICTOR
I will lift you from your cheap shoes and make you a god!

BUDDY
Gee! Thanks!

VICTOR
You will not thank me soon.

BUDDY
Oh.

VICTOR
For one of you will come a greater adventure still! But no! I have spoken too much! Begin the auditions!

Clap of hands and a piano begins to play. Segue.

Segue.

ACT ONE SCENE NINE

GLENN
Excuse me?

GABBLES
Hiya! You're a real swell looking dame!

GLENN
Thanks

GABBLES
Real swell. Reeeeeeal swell. Too late for the audition, though.

GLENN
I have an appointment with Mr Lucakz?

GABBLES
Oh sure! The reporter dame!

GLENN
That's right, yes. Glenn Fairweather, of the London English Evening Post.

GABBLES
Maybe I could tell you about myself, eh? Maybe some dinner, huh?

GLENN
Well, perhaps ...

GABBLES
Here! Got a little present for you!

Tinkly music. GLENN gasps.

GLENN
Where did you get this?

GABBLES
Well, wouldn't you like to know?

GLENN
Well, yes I would actually.

GABBLES
Well, I got a whole crate of them!

GLENN
And I would love to hear about how you got them. Maybe after I've had my little interview with Mr. Lucakz ...

GABBLES
Ha! That ain't gonna take long lemme tell ya, you wasted your journey! Nothing exciting ever happens round here!

Segue

ACT ONE SCENE TEN

Murmuring, and a clapping of hands.

VICTOR
I will have attention! It is my right! I am Victor!

BUDDY
Aw, Geez ...

VICTOR
It is the dream of every director to be presented the perfect cast, the living embodiment of the souls he will create for the audience! It is my dream, and once again my hopes are dashed on the sharp and empty stones that are your talentless hearts! Can such stones be polished into diamonds? Perhaps, for I am Victor!

LILY
He is just the greatest ...

VICTOR
You! Do not interupt me!

LILY
I'm sorry

VICTOR
Be silent!

BUDDY!
Hey! You don't talk to her that way!

LILY
Buddy!

VICTOR
You are brave, yet foolish. Now! Lily Lansdale!

LILY
Yes, Mr Lucakz?

VICTOR
You are to play the part of Maisie. You are clumsy and without skill and your limited range sickens me, yet I have small hope.

LILY
Thank you, Mr Lucakz!

VICTOR
And you, who dares interupt Victor! You are perfect for the role of Marko!

BUDDY
Oh?

VICTOR
Yet less perfect than Flint Brutholm. The part is his!

FLINT
Yes!

BUDDY
Oh.

VICTOR
Yet your naivete' amuses me and you may remain as understudy. The other lesser roles will be poisted outside the main office. If you have been successful, then I will work you as you would not a dog. If you have failed, do not return even to see the show, for the splendour of it would crack your empty hearts!
Leave now!

Murmuring and footsteps.

BUDDY
Well ... congratulations, I guess ...

LILY
Oh, Buddy ...

BUDDY
You're going to be great ...

FLINT
Excuse me ... sorry to be a buttinski ...

LILY
Hi Flint. Me and Buddy were just-

BUDDY
No, it's okay. I understand.

LILY
Buddy I-

BUDDY
You go. You got lines to learn ...

FLINT
Maybe over dinner?

LILY
Well, I ... Buddy? Buddy?

FLINT
I guess he had somewhere to be. Dinner?

LILY
Yeah, I guess. (She sighs.) Oh Buddy ...

Segue

ACT ONE SCENE ELEVEN

FAIRWEATHER
You know, I've been reading.

WEINSTEIN
This is nice.

FAIRWEATHER
All this talk of poor Kitty ...

WEINSTEIN
Ja, ja.

FAIRWEATHER
Poor, poor Kitty. Still, no doubt she's in a better place.

WEINSTEIN
I envy her.

FAIRWEATHER
I beg you pardon?

WEINSTEIN
Nothing, nothing.

FAIRWEATHER
Righty ho. I've been updating my files on Lost Civilisations, you see.

WEINSTEIN
That's nice for you.

FAIRWEATHER
Of what little we know of the fabled and mysterious Lost Plateau of Kongala, so named after the gigantic Ape-God who serves as the Plateau's titular deity and defender. But the interesting thing is, you see ... the various Tribes of Kongala are reputed to be polytheistic societies!

WEINSTEIN
That's nice.

FAIRWEATHER
No, you don't understand. They worship other gods beside Kongala. Don't you see? I'm talking Kakapoopoo here!

WEINSTEIN
I thought you might be.

FAIRWEATHER
Perhaps the answers to the twin mysteries of the disappearance of my long lost wife and daughter and this -

Tinkly music

Both lie in South America!

WEINSTEIN
Ja, vell. There!

FAIRWEATHER
What is it, old boy?

WEINSTEIN
I got it! The rocket suit is complete!

FAIRWEATHER
That is good news! I wonder what Crash, Buddy and my darling Glenn are up to now?

The phone rings.

Hello? Good Lord!

Segue.

ACT ONE SCENE TWELVE

Footsteps.

CRASH
Come on ... I know you're here ... I can wander these cobwebbed and shadowy pipe-filled corridors all night if I have to ...

Sting.

CRASH
Dietrich! Zabligioni! And someone else!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

DEITRICH
Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I. Hma Radio Enthusiast and Winner of the 1939 "Mr Milwaukee" Strongman Contest! We have you now!

ZABLIGIONI
Not a the face! I'm too pretty! Is a my blessing and my curse! Uhf!

Fight ends.

CRASH
You have to get up earlier than that to catch Crash Morgan!

The sound of a blade being drawn.

BUDDY
Crash!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
Desist, oafish potato-eater! Or I will slit his fat throat!

CRASH
What are you doing here, Buddy?

BUDDY
I was just looking for somewhere to be on my own for a while ...

CRASH
What?

BUDDY
It's Lily, she ... I think she's in love with someone else.

ZABLIGIONI
That's a so sad.

KATANA laughs uproariously

YOKO
I find amusement in your sorrow.

CRASH
So. What happens now?

Segue.

ACT ONE SCENE THIRTEEN

VICTOR
You! What are you doing in my office?

CONTESSA
Why, Monsieur Lucakz ... waiting for you.

VICTOR
You are very beautifal. But I am surrounded by beauty!

CONTESSA
Are you really?

VICTOR
Of course! I am Victor! I am expecting a visitor! You must leave.

CONTESSA
My business is most urgent.

VICTOR
If you wish to audition I will be pleased to see you. Later. Later!

CONTESSA
Can't you spare me just a spare moment?

VICTOR
You must leave! No! I cannot be swayed by your loveliness! Nothing you can do can move me!

CONTESSA
Really?

VICTOR, pleasurable shock
Whooa! I am Victor!

CONTESSA
How about that?

VICTOR
That's ... nice.

CONTESSA
I am no actress, Monsieur Lucakz. I am the Contessa Francesca De D'Urbervilles ...

VICTOR, squeeky
I am Victor

CONTESSA
I really need to know something.

VICTOR
You do?

CONTESSA
Oh yes ...

Door.

GABBLES
Your two o'clock is here HOLY COW!

VICTOR
Away! Away away!

GABBLES
Geez, what ya doin'?!

VICTOR
I am ... indisposed.

GABBLES
Your two o'clock's outside! That reporter dame!

CONTESSA
Send her away, Victor. So we can ... talk ... some more.

VICTOR, ecstatic
Whoa!

GABBLES
Holy macaroni and sweet mother of mercy!

GLENN
Hello, Mr. Lucakz. Good heavens!

CONTESSA
Glenn Fairweather!

GLENN
The Contessa De D'urbevilles!

VICTOR
I am Victor!

GLENN
Tell me, Contessa. Is there any one of your nefarious schemes that actually involve you leaving clothes on?

CONTESSA
What are you after, little mouse?

GLENN
The same thing as you, I'll wager.

VICTOR
Ladies ... I may be the Great Victor but one man can only do so much ...

GLENN & THE CONTESSA, together
Be quiet.

GLENN
I know about the Radium X!

CONTESSA
You know too much!

Sting. Gasps all round.

VICTOR
A pistol!

GABBLES
Where did that come from?

GLENN
You villainous harlot!

CONTESSA
I came for the information, Monsieur Lucakz and if you will not give it to me the pleasant way ...

VICTOR
We can still do it the pleasant way?

GLENN
Oh honestly.

CONTESSA
Where did this come from?

Tinkly noise.

GABBLES
Sweet mother of mercy! How does she keep doing that?

VICTOR
The jungle in South America ...I do not know where ... exactly ...

CONTESSA
I need more than that, I'm afraid ...

GABBLES
Wait! Don't shoot him!

CONTESSA
You have something to say?

GABBLES
Don't shoot! It ain't his fault! I brought the stuff back! From when I was in the jungle!

VICTOR
I was going to mount an expedition after the show had opened! Imagine! A movie set in an undiscovered jungle paradise!

CONTESSA
I see.

Thump.

VICTOR
Uhf!

GABBLES
Hey! You knocked him clean out cold!

CONTESSA
I no longer need him. You. Move.

GLENN
Where are we going?

CONTESSA
I have a little surprise for you ...

Segue

ACT ONE SCENE FOURTEEN

GLENN
Well. Here we are ...

BUDDY
Tied to a chair.

CRASH
Again.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
Your helplessness provides me with amusement.

CONTESSA
Comfortable?

CRASH
What happened to you, Contessa? I thought you'd turned away from the path of villainy?

GLENN
Once a back-stabbing hussy, always a back-stabbing hussy, I say ...

CONTESSA
I was weak once Crash, I will confess, blinded by my love for you. But after I renounced my evil ways and helped you, you simply left to rot in that jail!

CRASH
Hey! I wrote a letter to the Judge and everything1 I wrote it and gave it to Glenn to post ...

GLENN
Er ...

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

CRASH
Oh, Glenn ...

DIETRICH
We must go. Bring the idiot ...

GABBLES
Hey! Who you calling an idiot, you poker faced kraut!

DIETRICH
And leave the bomb.

Winding noise and ticking.

ZABLIGIONI
I'm a sorry, guys. I don't a want to do it. Why would I want to blow up such a magnifico bella donna, huh?

DIETRICH
Just do it!

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! Don't talk to me like a that! You're just a henchman!

DIETRICH
I am not the henchman!

ZABLIGIONI
I'm a the scientist, the General's a the muscle and the Contessa's the spy. You're a the henchman!

DIETRICH
I am your liason to Berlin!

ZABLIGIONI
You're a kidding no one! Special Delivery for a the henchman! Wait! It's a for you!

DIETRICH
Listen, if anyone's the henchman around here it's Franz!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
Cease your pointless Caucasion squabbling. Take the incoherent one and go.

ZABLIGIONI
That's a right. You go get a more a bellisimo Radium X from a the Lost Plateau of Kongala ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
And we will remain and use the the Radium X we have already to create a bomb that will reduce Metropolitan City to rubble!

KATANA laughs uproariously.

YOKO
It is of amusement to me.

GLENN
You fiend! Fiends!

CONTESSA
I leave you now for the final time, Crash. I have given you a great gift - to die with the woman you love ...

CRASH
You had a good heart once, Contessa.

CONTESSA
And you broke it utterly. Goodbye Crash ...

Door slam. Music.

GLENN
Oh, Crash ...

CRASH
Oh, Glenn ...

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

CRASH
All right, we've been here before. There must be a way out of this ...

GLENN
I rung Daddy just before the Contessa captured me to tell him I'd founf out where the statues were coming from. But that's all the way up town ...

BUDDY
Lily's gone out to dinner with that Flint guy ...

CRASH
And Chief Gilhooley doesn't know anything's wrong!

GLENN
What does it say on the clock?

CRASH
Thirty seconds. I love you so much, Glenn!

GLENN
And I love you!

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

Segue to music.

NARRATOR
Is it curtains for Crash and Buddy? Will they be blown to smithereens by the villain's bomb? Find out after these messages in the second episode of Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau - The vengeance of The Leopard Queen!!

KID'S VOICE (JO)
Hey, Mr. Johnson!

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
Hey Daddy!

DADDY (MIKE)
Hey, Little Mikey! Hey son!

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
WhenI grow up I want to smoke a pipe, just like you.

DADDY
Well, maybe when grow up. But right now, you're too young!

IMPORTANT MEDICAL DOCTOR (IAN)
Conversations happen like this happen every day. Mr. Johnson wants to be a good father but little does he know ... the dangers of not smoking!

Sting!

VOICE (GAVIN)
Cough ... cough ... I started smoking at the age of eighteen and now ... cough ...cough ... I can barely breath!

WOMAN (GINA)
But does this mean that smoking is bad?

IMPORTANT MEDICAL DOCTOR (IAN)
Of course not! In moderation, smoking is relaxing and a social stimulant. The trick is acclimatisation!

DADDY (MIKE)
But what can I do? Since we know passive smoking to be a myth, how can I prepare my boy for years of smooth velvety pleasure?

IMPORTANT MEDICAL DOCTOR (IAN)
Try new Bubblacco! The sweet tar free nicotine gum! In Cuban Blueberry and Golden Leaf Strawberry!

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
Tastes great!

VOICE (GAVIN)
Cough ... cough ...don't grow up like me!

ALL
Bubblacco!

IMPORTANT MEDICAL DOCTOR (IAN)
Recommended by the Smokers Council of America!

Theremin music

Dr MENTOR (RUSSELL)
Influence your boss ... influence the girl of your dreams ... influence all those around you ...

VOICE (MIKE)
That mystic stuff's all a load of hooie! Hey, Veronica!

VOICE (FRAN)
Go boil an egg creep.

Dr. MENTOR (RUSSELL)
A few minutes a day practising from my Home Mentalism Course ... the secrets of the ages, passed down from Tibetan master to Tibetan master ...

VOICE (MIKE)
If I do my exercises ... I can harness the power of the Gurus!

Dr. MENTOR (RUSSELL)
The secrets of the druids! Stuff Pharoahs did! Yours to command!

VOICE (FRAN)
Why did I never notice him before? He has such a special aura ...

VOICE (MIKE)
Thanks, Dr. Mentor!

Dr. MENTOR (RUSSELL)
The lock is yours! My easy to follow ten week course simply provides the key! Doctor Mentor's Home Mentalism Course! Shape your life! Change yourself1 Be all you can be!

VOICE (KRISS)
Course not suitable for those under eighteen. May cause psychotic episodes.

Crash Music.

CRASH
Hey kids! Want to eat like a hero?

KID'S VOICE (KRIS)
Do we ever? Oh boy!

CRASH
Want to see my adventures rendered in chocolate crisped rice and marshmallow?

KID'S VOICE (FRAN)
Hey this one looks just like Buddy!

KID'S VOICE (IAN)
Hey, I got the Contessa!

KID'S VOICE (KRIS)
And I got ...

Gasps!

The Crash Morgan Secret Decoder Ring!

CRASH
You can help me in my unending struggle against evil!

KID'S VOICE (MIKE)
And who knew that fighting crime would taste great?

Laughter.

CRASH
Choccy Chunks! The nutritious chocolate and marchmallow based breakfast cereal!

ACT TWO SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau, Episode Two - The Vengeance of the Leopard Queen, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I. Winner of the 1939 "Mr Milwaukee" Strongman Contest and Landscape Gardener to the Stars, aided by his loyal sidekick Buddy Brannigan, has, at the behest of Police Chief Gilhooley gone undercover at the Metropolitan City Playhouse Royale to investigate the smuggling of archaeological artefacts. Visiting her father Professor Milton Fairweather on the Anniversary of the disappearance of both her mother and twin sister Kitty in a mysterious plane crash, Glenn Fairweather, ex-model turned Reporter for the London English Evening Post discovers the artefacts to be moulded from the deadly radioactive mineral Radium X! Meanwhile Lilly Lansdale, Ex-moll turned actress and estranged sweetheart to Buddy Brannigan while an evil triumvirate of villains - The Beguiling Contessa De D'Urbervilles, the Fearsome General Katana and the brilliant yet Italian scientist, Count Zabligioni, have succeeded in learning the source of Radium X and captured Crash, Glenn and Buddy and left them tied to a bomb ...

Music.

GLENN
Oh, Crash ...

CRASH
Oh, Glenn ...

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

CRASH
All right, we've been here before. There must be a way out of this ...

GLENN
I rung Daddy just before the Contessa captured me to tell him I'd found out where the statues were coming from. But that's all the way up town ...

BUDDY
Lily's gone out to dinner with that Flint guy ...

CRASH
And Chief Gilhooley doesn't know anything's wrong!

GLENN
What does it say on the clock?

CRASH
Thirty seconds. I love you so much, Glenn!

GLENN
And I love you!

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

Door.

FAIRWEATHER
Glenn!

GLENN
Daddy!

BUDDY
And he's wearing the rocket suit!

CRASH
Professor! The bomb! Use the helmet!

FAIRWEATHER
Of course! The rocket helemt is constructed of specially treated steel, in order to protect the user from the effects of both heat and impact, and of course, if I place the helmet over the explosive device it should easily contain the blast, although there may be-

CRASH, BUDDY & GLENN, together
Professor! Daddy!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh. Righty ho.

Scraping noise and muffled explosion.

Good Lord. That could have been very nasty.

GLENN
Oh, Daddy!

FAIRWEATHER
I thought your call urgent, and the good Doctor had had just finished fixing the rocket suit, so ...

CRASH
I didn't know you could fly the suit.

FAIRWEATHER
If you can fly a Camel, you can fly anything!

BUDDY, genuinly impressed
You can fly a camel?

FAIRWEATHER
I'll untie you.

GLENN
The Contessa has gone to South America after more Radium X. The General and the Count said they're going to build a bomb!

FAIRWEATHER
South America! Whewre my family was torn asunder all those years ago ...

CRASH
Katana and Zabligioni here building a bomb and the Contessa off to South America to get materials to build more ... Darn it! We can't be intwo places at once.

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. It's a bally poser and no mistake ...

BUDDY
Can you fly an other animals?

CRASH
Not now, Buddy!

GLENN
There's nothing for it. We're going to have to split up ...

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE TWO

WEINSTEIN
So, let me get this straight ... It's up to us to find the bomb and stop the homicidal bad guys while Hero Boy has a little vacation ...

GLENN
Well, in essence, although I think you're being just a tad unfair ...

BUDDY
Crash wouldn't have split us up unless he thought he had to! And he did take the Professor with him!

WEINSTEIN
Ja. There is that on the plus side, I suppose ...

GLENN
They must be stopped! You're the expert, Doctor. How much damge can Katana and Zabligioni do with the Radium X they already have?

WEINSTEIN
Lots of damage. Half the City.

GLENN
That's terrible.

WEINSTEIN
Obliterated in a white-hot maelstrom of flying glass and vapourised masonry.

GLENN
That's horrific!

WEINSTEIN
Perhaps a quarter of Metropolitan City's population will die in the blast and as many again from resulting injuries, collapse of infrastructure, disease ...

GLENN
That's monstrous!

WEINSTEIN
Ja, ja. It's a real drag.

GLENN
How could anyone build such a weapon?

WEINSTEIN
Well, what you do is mould the Radium X into a spherical core and then you have to collapse the nuclei -

GLENN
Doctor Weinstein!

WEINSTEIN
What? Oh wait. That was a rhetorical question ...

BUDDY
Aw Geez, Doc! Even I knew that!

GLENN
But you might be on to something!

WEINSTEIN
I might?

GLENN
Of course. Tell me, Doctor. How would you build such a device ..?

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE THREE

Crowd noise.

CRASH
So, here we are! South America!


FAIRWEATHER
Zuraguay! I've not been here for years .... The bustle of crowds, the hot rich air blowing in from the lush Jungles ...

CRASH
I'm not sure you should have come with me, Professor ...

FAIRWEATHER
Nonsense! Who else of our number has jungle experience?

CRASH
Let's see ... Me and Buddy in The Crystal Skull of Quezcoatl, Me and Glenn in the Kingdom of the Goldon Mantis, Me, Buddy and Glenn in the Jungle of the Tiger Men ... Most of us, actually, funnily enough ...

FAIRWEATHER
Well, perhaps, but I still have contacts down here. He should be meeting us at any time ... and if I can find some evidence of the fate of my wife and poor, poor Kitty ...

CRASH
Yes, poor, poor Kitty ...

FAIRWEATHER
Poor, poor Kitty ...

CRASH
Poor, poor Kitty

JUNGLE JACK
Hello! It is I!

FAIRWEATHER
And here he is!

JUNGLE JACK
Professor Fairweather! It has been too long. How long has it been?

FAIRWEATHER
It has been too long, my friend.

JUNGLE JACK
This is what I said!

JACK laughs.

CRASH
Er ...

FAIRWEATHER
This is Jackson Jeremiah, a professional guide and explorer.

JUNGLE JACK
Jungle Jack to my friends, and all my friends, all the people and all the animals! All except Histar, the small brown ringed snake. He is not to be trusted ...

Makes hissing noises.

FAIRWEATHER
Well, Jack, I'm afraid time is rather of the essence ...

JACK laughs.

JUNGLE JACK
Of course! I am so happy to see you! I amlike the lizard who has had an enormous lunch!

CRASH, sotto voice
Are you sure this is the best guy we can get?

FAIRWEATHER
Nonsense. He's as sound as a pound and as willing as a shilling!

JACK laughs.

CRASH, really, really, REALLY unsure
Right ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE FOUR

Murmur of voices.

VICTOR
You will be quiet! Genius requires pools of silence in which to flower!

BUDDY
Aw Geez. How's your head, Mr. Lucakz?

VICTOR
I will endure. If all it took was a sharp blow to the head from a stunning blonde then I would never have survived my first three marriages! I am Victor! You!

SELMA
Who? Me?

VICTOR
Yes! You! Who do you play?

SELMA
Florence, the tattoed lady and Maisie's best friend.

VICTOR
Are you chewing gum?

SELMA
Yeah?

VICTOR
Would you spit in a church? Would you open your legs and foul its sacred font?

SELMA
Er ... no?

VICTOR
Remove the gum. Now! Today we rehearse Maisie's first song of the second act. Maisie has fallen in love with Marko but cannot understand the distance between them. Maisie!

LILY
I'm here, Mr Lucakz.

VICTOR
Marko! Marko?

SELMA
Flint called to say he'd be late.

VICTOR
Bah! Understudy!

BUDDY
Mr. Lucakz?

VICTOR
Sing! You will make the angles weep!

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

(Chorus in brackets)

LILY
All alone. (all alone) I see you all alone.
I feel you all alone (all alone)
And how I wish that I could hold you.

BUDDY
What I want (I want) is to tell you what I want
To tear away this front (this front)
That stands between we two.

LILY
because the wall that stand between the two of us
(Unreal)

BUDDY
They shouldn't stand between the two of us
(I feel)

LILY AND BUDDY
They shouldn't stand between the two of us
Any more!
So we can take each other by the hand (the hand)
So that together we can stand
Alone Alone Together! (Together)


LILY
Hold the phone (hold the phone) Everybody, hold the phone
And leave me all alone (hold the phone)
So I can join you, be alone with you.

BUDDY
I wish I could (I wish) I really wish I could
Pull away this hood (this hood)
That hides the face that longs to kiss you so!

LILY AND BUDDY
All the misunderstandings blown away
(Far away)
All that's in our hearts that we can say
(We can say)
And I can tell you every day
That I love you! (That I love you!)

LILY
But we can't (We can't We want to but we can't
No matter what we want (We want)
So I guess we'll be alone ...

BUDDY
I guess we'll be alone ...

ALL
Alone apart together ...

LILY
Oh, Buddy ...

SELMA
That's so beautiful ...

VICTOR
That's ... okay ...

Door

FLINT
Sorry I'm late! What did I miss?Give me just a minute and I'm all yours ...

VICTOR
You have one minute! One!

LILY
Buddy?

BUDDY
Nothing ... nothing at all ... just glad to ... fill in ...

FLINT
I'll just get rid of my coat ... Back in just a moment ...


LILY
So ... Any news on the bomb ..?

BUDDY
Geez, no, but Glenn and the Doc have a plan ...

Rustling noise.

See this?

LILY
Today's Metropolitan Gazette?

BUDDY
Look on the front page ... Glenn called in a couple of favours ...

FLINT
Okay, I'm here. What have I missed?

LILY
I'll look at it later

VICTOR claps

VICTOR
Your attention! Maisie! Marko - the real Marko this time! We go again!

LILY
All alone ...

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE FIVE

Jungle noise

FAIRWEATHER, grunting, as if stretching
Well, that was a bracing ...

CRASH
I thought you said the climb was easy if you knew the hidden path?

JUNGLE JACK
It is. Sadly, I do not know it. I am like the Hawk who has lost his compass.

CRASH
Well, that's just great. We should have hired a plane and paraachuted in. I'll bet that's what the Contessa did, and now she has a five day lead on us!

FAIRWEATHER
Can't be helped, old chap ... Wait!

CRASH
What is it?


FAIRWEATHER
In the trees! I could have thought I saw ... No, my tired old eyes must be playing tricks on me ...

JUNGLE JACK
Ha! It is Sheera! Sheera! The Leopard Queen! The girl who runs and hunts with the mighty jungle cats!

CRASH
Hello? Hello?

JUNGLE JACK
She will not answer. She is like the Buffalo who does not socialise at parties.

FAIRWEATHER
She looked ... familiar, somehow. I saw only a fleeting glance ...

CRASH
Where do we go now?

FAIRWEATHER
There are ruins to the North. I'd hazard a guess that that's our best bet.

CRASH
All right then. It's getting dark. We'd best make camp ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE SIX

ZABLIGIONI
What I want a to know is, why can't a we ever hide out somewhere nice? There must a be somewhere - maybe a disused hotel or something. Instead it's always a warehouses and a disused factories. All right, I never had to hung around in a deserted zoo before, but still ... a guy likes a the better things, you know/ Towels. Hot water. What a am I gonna do with fifteen cases of animal tranquilisers and a reptile house ..?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Comfort is irrelevant. It has been over a week! Is the bomb completed?

ZABLIGIONI
Well, it's a done ... mostly ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Mostly? Please explain further.

ZABLIGIONI
Well, it's a not so easy to turn this Radium X into a bomb ... You got to implode it simultaneously from all angles ... its a not so easy ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO
Ha! My doubts in your competence are entirely justified!

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! That hurts! I'm a sensitive man! It's a my blessing and-

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
If you complete that annoying phrase I will wear your liver as a hat.

ZABLIGIONI
Well, it's a true. Hey! I got a plan B! Look a in the crate!

Creak and snarl.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
It is monstrous! A mouse the size of a large dog or very small pony!

ZABLIGIONI
Plan B! Lotsa giant mice, all over the place! Is a cool, huh? I injected it a with teeny tiny Radium X

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Why would you do such a thing?

ZABLIGIONI
I'm a scientist! I was bored! It's a what we do!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Your sanity is questionable.

ZABLIGIONI
We need a Quartz Timing Initiator and they don't a grow on trees ... Hey, it's a Franz!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

ZABLIGIONI
Is a the Metropolitan Gazette1 Letsa see ... Mama Mia!

YOKO, reading
" In two days Doctor Johan Weinstein, the world-famous scientist also attached to the Metropolitan City Police in an advisory capacity, will hand over a working Quartz Timing Initiator to the Metropolitan City Science Museum. The Initiator will remain with Doctor Weinstein at Metropolitan City Headquarters until its handover to the Metro City Vault on Friday."

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You are a strange, strange man.

FRANZ
Ja Vohl.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
The device is beingheld at Police Headquarters and will be guarded. How are we to acquire said device?

ZABLIGIONI
Hey, leave it to me! We got some spare Radium X and I got a plan C ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE SEVEN

Rustling noise.

CRASH, waking up
Uh ... Who's that? Glenn? What are you doing here?

KITTY
Sheera want to talk to a man.

CRASH
Sheera? You look just like ... Goldarn! Glenn's siter Kitty!

KITTY
Sheera want talk.

CRASH
Yeah. I'll bet.

KITTY
Man handsome. Sheera want man.

CRASH
Wow. You sure don't beat around the bush ...

KITTY
Sheera want man. Man rugged and strong yet has gentle eyes and adorable kiss curl. We make cubs.

CRASH
I'm a make cubs on the third date kind of guy.

Silence

That was a joke.

KITTY
We go! Danger! Danger from the Hokikoki!

CRASH
What? The what?

KITTY
All around! Hokikoki!

CRASH
Okay, whatever ... Look, I'm here with your father.

KITTY
Father? Daddy..?

CRASH
That's right! Your Daddy! Ans I'm Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, Landscape Gardener to the Stars and author of the Self-Help bestseller "Deathtraps and How to Survive Them". You can call me Crash ...

KITTY
No! Crash bad! Sheera remembers crash! Screaming metal and the scraping rain of leaves and branches against the flaming fuselage as it ripped a raw furrow into the virgin jungle! No! No!

CRASH
No, it's just my name! It's all right. Ssh! Ssh!

KITTY, hopeful
We make cubs now?

FAIRWEATHER
Crash, I heard voices from your tent ... Good heavens ...

CRASH
No! Too late ... gone ...

FAIRWEATHER
She looked like Glenn! Is that? Could it be?

CRASH
Yes. Living alone in the jungle all these years ...

FAIRWEATHER
Poor Kitty.

CRASH
Poor, poor Kitty.

FAIRWEATHER
Poor, poor Kitty.


JUNGLE JACK
Hey, guys!

CRASH
Do you mind! I'm half-naked in my tent here!

JUNGLE JACK
Sorry. It's just we're like the anteater who has no ants. I think we have a problem.

CRASH
You do?

Drums start in the distance.

Oh. Right.

JUNGLE JACK
The War drums of the Hokikoki!

CRASH
It's never easy, is it? I suppose that it's too much to hope that the Hokikoki are peace loving vegetarians?

JUNGLE JACK
They are the most vicious of cannibal pygmies!

FAIRWEATHER
Do you know, I think we should all try and get some sleep. Then we can set out fresh in the morning to find my daughter and stop the Contessa. Goodnight, Gentlemen.

CRASH
Good night Professor.

JUNGLE JACK
You're both crazy!

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE EIGHT

Light classical music.

FLINT
Well. This is nice.

LILY
This is real, real nice.

GASTON
Bonsoir Monsieur, Mademoiselle.

LILY
It was just saying that this place was real nice.

GASTON
Were you really? How thrilling! Perhaps I have interrupted a trenchant bon mot about the state of the weather! I would not at all be surprised!

LILY
Real, real nice.

GASTON
This is the most exclusive restaurant in all Metropolitan City! It is exquisite!

FLINT
Well, that's why we're here.

GASTON
Yes. I suggested that the reservations be accompanied by some small exam - nothing too strenuous and perhaps references. But in all this I was over-ruled.

FLINT
I don't like your tone, Mister.

GASTON
Then take your date to some other establishment! Go feast upon bacon rinds and beans! Go to your world and leave me to mine! Entree!

LILY
What?

GASTON
Entree! Your starter! What is your starter? Rapide! Ttt!

FLINT
I'll have the, er ...

LILY
It all looks so very ... foreign ...

GASTON
You sicken me both, to my stomach. Well ! I will spare us all the embarrassment of your failure to understand the menu and the further embarrassment of your botched attempts to pronounce the food which you will no doubt douse with ketchup prior to shovelling it into your enormous fat American faces! I will order for you and expect to be tipped handsomely for my discerning choice!

FLINT
Can we order drinks?

GASTON
No, you may not. Thank me!

FLINT
Thank you?

GASTON
D'accord!

LILY
Yeah. Real nice place ...


FLINT
Do you know what Victor said about me today?

LILY
What was that?

FLINT
He said "Yesterday I could barely bring myself to look upon you dance. Today, with some effort, it is possible."

LILY
Wow! You must be doing great! Today he said that my singing was like the scraping of a rusty key across a broken violin.

FLINT
He is a genius, isn't he?

LILY
Yeah. A real motivator. Flint, what are you doing?

FLINT
I'm holding your hand. What do you think I'm doing?

LILY
Yeah, but -

FLINT
I've held it all day and kissed you time and time again!

LILY
That was Marko and Maisie. It ain't the same Flint!

FLINT
It is for me. I look at you sometimes and it's like my heart's too big for my chets and I can barely breathe.

LILY
They got pills for that.

FLINT
No, what I mean is ... I love you Lily.

LILY
I don't love you.

FLINT
You could!

LILY
No. Not while my heart beongs to Buddy.

FLINT
Oh. Him.

LILY
Yes, him. Now get back, Flint! This is a public place! Anyone walking by could see you!

Segue to street noise.

BUDDY
Oh Lily. I guess ... (sniffs) I guess I hope you're real happy ...

Segue back into restaurant, tapping against glass.

GASTON
Away from the window! Beg elsewhere! Our scraps are too good for the likes of you!

Slap noise.

FLINT
Ow!

LILY
You don't kiss a girl unless she wants to be kissed! Or it's a rehearsal! Or maybe she wants that really nice fur coat in the window at Dixies! But those days are behind me! Hey, Frenchie!

GASTON
Mademoiselle!

LILY
Get my coat! Lover boy here is eating alone!

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE NINE

Jungle noises.

CRASH
It's so goldarned hot!

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. Perhaps we should rest. It's nearly noon and we've been moving since the sun came up ...

JUNGLE JACK
You are both crazy. You are like two crazy loony birds. The two of you! Like the hippo who waterskis!

CRASH
Look at these!

FAIRWEATHER
What have you found?

CRASH
It's rusty but ... it looks like a piece of airplane fuselage ...

JUNGLE JACK
Over here!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh my Lord!

CRASH
Is this the plane?

FAIRWEATHER
It must be. And this grave ... the cairn of tiny stones, all that a child could lift ... the crosspiece, crudely lettered ... "the bestest Mummy in all the world" ... Oh Antonia ... Oh Kitty ... I should never have believed the reports of both their deaths! I could have searched for them! Who knows what unendurable horrors I may have spared my darling Kitty had I got ... Had I ...

CRASH
Professor? Are you okay?

FAIRWEATHER
A little something in my eye, that's all. I ... I must be tired ...

CRASH
Did you sleep at all last night?

FAIRWEATHER
I tried, but ... will those cursed drums never stop?

They stop.

I don't like it. It's too quiet.

Rustling.

JUNGLE JACK
I'm off!

CRASH
Come back!

FAIRWEATHER
Well, you can hardly blame him.

CRASH
No. I suppose not.

Rustling.

YIPI
Ugi!

YAPI
Ugi! Gukikki!

YOPI
Ho chair Hokikoki!

CRASH
Wow. These guys are really little ...

FAIRWEATHER
They're not following Jack. I suppose we're catch enough

YAPI
Chai! Chai!

FAIRWEATHER
I don't like the look of these spears. Ow!

YIPI
Ho chai!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh dear ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE TEN

A clock ticks.

GLENN
Snap!

WEINSTEIN
Oy!

GLENN
Another game?

WEINSTEIN
You don't play chess?

GLENN, chiding
Doctor ... Chess promotes wrinkles on the forehead and I can hardly risk that, can I?

WEINSTEIN
I'll bet. Well. As plans go, this was a wash out ...

GLENN
Give it time, Doctor.

WEINSTEIN
They're not going to break inbto Police Headquarters?

GLENN
Honestly. Had I given them an easier address they'd have suspected!

Distant thump.

Did you hear that?

Gunshots.

WEINSTEIN
What? The boom, boom or the bang, bang, bang?

Door.

GILHOOLEY
Runaway, Lass, Doctor! Run away! 'Tis coming!

GLENN
Chief Gilhooley!

GIHOOLEY
Bullets bounce off it! So they do! Fall back!

Huge grinding noise. Gunshots.

Sweet mother of mercy! Get back! It's coming through the wall!

Crashing of rubble.

GLENN
It's some sort of giant mechanical man!

WEINSTEIN, admiringly
That's a nice piece of work ...

Porthole noise.

ZABLIGIONI
Say hello to plan C. Shame I just got enough Radium X for a the one ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Zabligioni! You are a less foolish than you appear.

WEINSTEIN
Get back, Miss Fairweather ...

GILHOOLEY
You're all under arrest, so are you!

Blade noise.

That ... hurt ...

GLENN
Chief!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Ha! Your ancestors wear shoes indoors!

ZABLIGIONI
The Initiator! Pronto! We havn't a got all day! The robot's a law on juice here!

WEINSTEIN
Well, the thing ... wait until you hear this ... you'll laugh ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Quickly!

WEINSTEIN
There isn't one.

GLENN
Do you think we'd be foolish enough to risk finishing your obscene bomb for you?

WEINSTEIN
I could have built one, but I didn't see the point, and ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You know the price of your perfidy!

WEINSTEIN
Can you pay in installments?

ZABLIGIONI
Get a the girl!

KATANA
Japanese sound giberish.

YOKO
What?

ZABLIGIONI
You get a the girl, Weinstein makes a the Initiator. Pronto! Pronto!

FRANZ
Ja vohl!

GLENN
Let go of me! Let go!

ZABLIGIONI
We'll be in touch.

Porthole clang, then metal footsteps off. GILHOOLET moans.

WEINSTEIN
Chief Gilhooley! You're still alive!

GILHOOLEY
It takes more than an outsized potato peeler to stop the Mother's son, so it does!

WEINSTEIN
Lie still.

GILHOOLEY
I heard everything. Bejesus! The fate of the city or the life of an innocent girl! What a revolting dilemma and no mistake! What are you going to do?

WEINSTEIN
I'll tell you the truth, Chief. Right now I really have no diea ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE ELEVEN

YOPI
Kakachai!

YIPI
Ho chai!

FAIRWEATHER
What a fascinatingly tiny village ...

CRASH
Great. Neither of us speak Munchkin ...

FAIRWEATHER
I am, as you are aware, a traveller of no small experience.

Clears throat. Shouts.

Hello! Lovely day, what! Lovely day! My word, yes!

FUNSI
Silence! I am Funsi! Marvel at my command of English, taught to our tribe so many years ago by a Missionary!

CRASH
That's handy.

FUNSI
Sadly, his doctine of peace, love and not eating people didn't go down too well ...

FAIRWEATHER
Unlike the good reverend, one supposes.

FUNSI
Silence! I'm chief and I do the jokes round here! So ... hahahaha! Be thankful you were not captured by the Upchuk tribe who live in the ruined temple to the north and worship Kongala! They are an uncivilised people who would enslave you to dig the soft metal from their mine before feeding you to their monstrous god!

CRASH
And what exactly are you going to do with us?

FUNSI
You will be humanly clubbed to death, then prepared using the Hokikoki traditional recipe!

FAIRWEATHER
The traditional recipe?

FUNSI
Yes! You take a huge pot of boiling water, then! You put the eft foot in -

Roaring noise.

What? What is the noise?

Snarling.

YAPI
Chair! Chai! Hoki kikihochai!

FUNSI
Okay. When you say "the village is full of leopards" ...

YAPI screams.

Run away! Run!

Screaming from YIPI and YAPI, trailing off.

KITTY
Crash!

CRASH
Kitty!

FAIRWEATHER
Kitty! Poor, poor Kitty...

KITTY
Daddy!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh, my baby girl! I'm so glad you're alive ...

CRASH
Er ... these cats aren't going to hurt us, are they?

KITTY
Leopards Sheera's friends. Leopards raise Sheera.

FAIRWEATHER
Oh, my darling. Your name is Kitty. Remember? Kitty?

KITTY
Leopards raise ... Kitty?

FAIRWEATHER
My baby girl!

CRASH
Maybe we should get out of here.It won't take the Hokikoki long to come back with reinforcements ...

KITTY
This way! This way!

CRASH
No. That way!

KITTY
No. That way!

KITTY
Not that way!

CRASH
Yes, Kitty. We have to go that way. Towards the Temple of Kongala.

KITTY
Towards Kongala is death! Kongala is doom!

FAIRWEATHER
Kongala is a myth, surely!

KITTY
No! Have seen Kongala! Kongala mighty, as tall as two tall trees! Kongala Mighty Ape God! Upchuki catch, sacrifice all to Great Kongala! Temple is Temple of death!

CRASH
We have no choice. Onwards ... onwards towards the Temple of Death ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE TWELVE

VICTOR
No! No! No! Are youn a fool? Did your mother drop you upon your empty, cloddish head?

BUDDY
Well ... yeah.

VICTOR
Its of no matter!

BUDDY
Heck! I'm only the understudy ...

VICTOR
Only?? Only?? When the standard bearer drops, spent and bleeding, it is your privilege to pick his fallen flag and bear it proudly! Only! It is "only" a sacred responsibility! It is "only" life itself!

SELMA
Where is Flint anyway?

LILY
Who knows?

BUDDY
I'm sorry, Mr. Lucakz. I'll get it right, I promise ...

VICTOR
And you must lose the cap! If I wanted bucloic Americana upon my hallowed stage I would invest in a Norman Rockwell and pelt it with eggs! The cap! Give it to me now! I take it!

BUDDY, shrieking
NOBODY TOUCHES THE CAP!

SELMA
Yowsa!

VICTOR
I am Victor! Very well ... perhaps you may keep the cap ...

Door.

FLINT
Sorry I'm late Mr. Lucakz. It won't happen again.

VICTOR
It most certainly will not! Should it I promise you that the only further role you will see in this town is as understudy to the hot dog lady! And get yourself a cap! It is essential for the role of Marko! I have decided! Two minutes! Two!

LILY
Geez Louise Flint! You're late!

BUDDY, sulky
I'm surprised you're both not late.

LILY
What does that mean?

BUDDY
Nothin'

LILY
Listen, Buddy. I been thinking ... after rehearsal. You want to catch a movie, get a soda and a chilli dog? On me?

BUDDY
I'm busy. 'Scuse me, I got to go.

SELMA
What's eating him?

LILY
I don't know

FLINT
Hi Selma. Hi Lily.

SELMA, flirty
Hiya, Flint

LILY, icy
Yeah. Hi. So, what kept you?

FLINT
I ... maybe had a little too much to drink after you left last night. That darn French Champagne ... it's like you don't know you're drinking it ...

LILY
I guess not.

SELMA, heavily hinting
I like French Champagne ...

FLINT
Yeah, who doesn't Look, Lily, I'd like to make it up to you ...

LILY
Yeah? And I'd like to be left alone? Capiche? And that's French for "Don't get fresh!"

FLINT
Yeah, I ... I better go.

SELMA
I think you hurt his feelings ...

LILY
Yeah? Well, I don't care. All I care about's Buddy ...

SELMA
Yeah. I hate to tell you Sweetie, but it don't look like he cares about you more.

LILY
Oh, Buddy ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE THIRTEEN

CONTESSA
Hauptman Dietrich!

DIETRICH
Contessa. I have found something interesting ...

CONTESSA
There is nothing of interest in this place. Just the endless sun beating down upon the poor slaves ... I pity them, I think. Who knew I had such fine feeling left in me?

DIETRICH
Pah! They are mongrels, fit only to serve the Reich with their crude labour. On their backs we will build an Aryan Empire which will last a thousand years!

GABBLES
Hah! You're full of hooie! You ain't never going to be emperors of nothing!

DIETRICH
If I were you, little man, I would not remind me that I wrere alive ...

CONTESSA
He may still prove useful, Dietrich. What is it? What do you want with me?

DIETRICH
You cannot languish in your tent every minute of every day!

CONTESSA
I have murdered the only man I ever truly loved. I cannot bring myself now to summon enthusiasm for much of anything.

DIETRICH
Well, then you may find this ... invigorating.

Claps and call.

Bring him!

JUNGLE JACK
Don't hurt me! Don't! I am like the small monkey that has soiled his underpants!

DIETRICH
Silence!

JUNGLE JACK
Ow!

CONTESSA
Dietrich! Ssh. I will not allow him to hurt you. What is your name?

JUNGLE JACK
Jackton. Jackton Jeremiah ...

DIETRICH
My men caught him running through the jungle.

JUNGLE JACK
The Hokikoki! They surrounded us! Me and the Professor and Crash Morgan! Ow!

CONTESSA, urgent
Crash Morgan? You said Crash Morgan?

JUNGLE JACK
You're ... hurting ... me ...

CONTESSA
Crash is alive?

DIETRICH
Crash was alive. Both he and Fairweather are now leftovers for the Hokikoki.

The CONTESSA starts to laugh.

CONTESSA
Take him to work in the mines.

JUNGLE JACK
No! No! Noooooo!

DIETRICH
You seem strangely amused. I had thought it might cheer you to at least know that Morgan did not finally die by your hand, after all. I had not expected ... this.

CONTESSA
Crash will come.

DIETRICH
Morgan's death is certain.

CONTESSA
Crash's death is alway certain and yet he always returns. It is quite his defining characteristic. That, and his enormous-

DIETRICH
If he comes, if he has survived the Hokikoki, Morgan will die. By my hand. Mein Gott, I do not understand. You want him dead, you are pleased he is alive ... Women!

The CONTESSA starts to laugh again. Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE FOURTEEN

KITTY
This way! This way!

FAIRWEATHER
I can't believe it! I can't believe I'm reunited with my baby girl! I can't believe she was raised by the most lethal of jungle cats!

CRASH
I can't believe I watched her lick her own-

FAIRWEATHER
Ssh! I see it! The mine!

CRASH
It looks busy. Goldarn it!

KITTY
Sheera's family strike!

FAIRWEATHER
Those men have guns, my darling. You little pussycats wouldn't stand a chance.

CRASH
They must have explosives. Dynamite! If we blow the mine then maybe we can seal the mine forever ...

FAIRWEATHER
It sounds very much like a plan. I believe some manner of distraction is in order ...

CRASH
I have an idea...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE FOURTEEN

Cell door.

GLENN
You! How long do you intend to keep me here, you barbarian! This is a cage for animals!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You. Leave us...

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
So ... at last, we are alone.

GLENN
What do you intend to do with me, you fiend?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
I? Nothing? Provided that Dr. Weinstein complies with my not unreasonable demands.

GLENN
I'd rather die than see him help you!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
My dear, you have mistaken me. I am not the monster you suppose me to be. I appreciate beauty when I see it and would no more harm you now than pluck a rose, only to watch it wither in my hand.

GLENN
Did no-one ever tell you that a rose has thorns?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish, (just one very short utterance).

YOKO
But of course. But they serve only to make its beauty all the more ... exquisite. Would it surprise you to learn that I find you ... attractive? You are in my power and I could force a kiss from you as easily as I could have you killed ... but I choose not to.

GLENN
So ... what's stopping you?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
I am a man of power ... and of some refinement. I would not seize that which would be more precious given freely ... your love.

GLENN
I'll never love you ... and besides, my heart belongs to Crash.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Crash Morgan is no more and then ... you will learn to love me, in time.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Eater of hot fish! Do not interrupt!

ZABLIGIONI
Hands off the merchandise! Scoot! Scoot! I got some questions for the lady!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Very well! Proceed with your interrogation and we will return.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! I bet you're a glad to see the back of him, huh?

GLENN
He is rather uncouth.

ZABLIGIONI
Right, right ... So! At last we are lone ....

GLENN sighs. Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE SIXTEEN


DIETRICH
On your knees!

CONTESSA
Crash!

GABBLES
Lefty? You shaved off your moustache!

DIETRICH
We found him by the wood store. He attacked my men ...

CRASH
You Ratzi filth. Who knew you had so many men ...

DIETRICH
Silence!

CRASH
Ugh! I don't get it, Contessa? How come the natives are worshipping you?

CONTESSA
Nobody normally makes it past the Hokikoki and when we parachuted in the Upchukis took us for Gods, particularly after we'd put a few bullets in them.

DIETRICH
They are savages, fit only to serve the master race.

CONTESSA
Also, they had never seen a blonde woman before - they took me to be a Sun Goddess, fallen from the sky. I'm quite used to being worshipped, although not quite on this scale ... So, Crash. I should have known you'd be back for more ...

DIETRICH
I'd rather kiss Gabbles over there!

GABBLES
Hey! That's sweet of you but I aint into that stuff!

CONTESSA
You loved me once.

CRASH
I never loved you. I'm sorry I hurt you, but if we all went around becoming murdering supervillains just because we can't have who we want, then where would we be?

CONTESSA
It is too late to change. I tried to change. For you.

CRASH
You slipped and fell, Contessa. But you can climb back up again.

CONTESSA
No. there is no-one and nowhere for me in this world.


CRASH
There is! A little land called ... America!

Patriotic music

Because there's a place where the only welcome is a friendly welcome and you can have whatever you want so long as what you want most is to be free! Because the past is a slate that can be wiped clean if you can just look to tomorrow and say, "Tomorrow I'm going to do better! Tomorrow I'm going to fix what I broke! Tomorrow I'm going to give back what I took! Tomorow I'm going to start this diet! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Don't you see, Contessa? Tomorrow's a better place, tomorrow's a land of peace and plenty called America! Come with me tomorrow!

CONTESSA
Well. There's only one answer to that ...

CRASH
I don't understand.

CONTESSA
Of course you do not, Crash. It's practically your raison d'etre. Maybe tomorrow. But tonight is a full moon and in a few short hours you will be tied to the pillar at the top of a ziggurat and we will see if your charms work as well on a sixty foot high Ape God.

CRASH
Darn it! You say you love me and all you do is try to destroy me!

GABBLES
That's women for you.

CONTESSA
Take him away!

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE SEVENTEEN

FAIRWEATHER
Excellent ... I have it now! Pass me the detonator cap!

KITTY, mouth full
What detonator cap?

FAIRWEATHER
No, don't eat that! That's extremely dangerous. You were always the naughty one ...

KITTY
Kitty was naughty one?

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. Don't you remember? Glenn was always with her nose in a book or reading her Mother's fashion magazines while you were always kicking a ball or climbing a tree or playing rough house. Do you remember that time you gave Old Man Cuthbertaon's boy a fat lip? And you blacked his eye as well, I recall.


KITTY
He called me a fat pooh.

FAIRWEATHER
You certainly showed him!

KITTY
Showed him good.

FAIRWEATHER
You certainly did! You know, sneaking in here was very easy.Even with it getting dark, I'm surprised it's as easy as it's been ...

KITTY
Men not here. Men go there.

FAIRWEATHER
You're right. All the natives appear to be gathering around the base of the ruined temple ...
I'll set this timer for, say, fifteen minutes, and we'd best go investigate ...

ACT TWO SCENE EIGHTEEN

Native chanting

ALL
Kongala! Kongala! Kongala!

CONTESSA
Welcome all! It is the full moon and traditionally you choose the village's youngest virgin as sacrifice to your Great God! Today, I, your Goddess of the Sun have selected the next sacrifice to mighty Kongala! Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, author of the Self-Help bestseller, "Deathtraps and How To Survive Them", and hors d'oeuvre to a Jungle Deity!

ALL
Kongala! Kongala! Kongala!

CRASH
Can't ... break ... free ...

CONTESSA
Summon the God!

Drums beat.

FAIRWEATHER
At the top of the Ziggurat! It's Crash!

KITTY
Bad lady has Crash! Kitty do something!

FAIRWEATHER
I can't see what. We have to think ...

Footsteps.


CONTESSA
See! Kongala comes!

Music swells. Roar.

CRASH
Oh my sweet lord!

GABBLES
Holysweetmotherofmercy!

DIETRICH
Mein Gott!

Roar.

CRASH
Can't ... break ... free ...

FAIRWEATHER
It's enormous! Look at that jaw! Kongala can swallow him whole!

KITTY
Crash!

CONTESSA
Goodbye Crash. It's not too late. Just say you love me ...

FAIRWEATHER
Look! The ape has Crash in its mighty paw!

KITTY
Crash! No!

FAIRWEATHER
It's going to ... going to ...

Segue to music.

NARRATOR
Is it curtains for Crash? Is he destined to die a simian snack? Find out after these mesages in the third episode of Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau - In the Clutches of Kongala!!


INTERVAL


ACT ONE SCENE THREE

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau, Episode Three - In the Clutches of Kongala, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, author of the Self-Help bestseller, "Deathtraps and How to Survive Them" and hors d'ouevre to a Jungle Deity has ventured into the South American Jungle with his friend Professor Milton Fairweather in search of the source of the explosive mineral Radiujm X and to uncover the mystery of the long ago disappearance of Fairweather's wife and daughter, twin sister to ex-model turned reporter for the London English Evening Post, Glenn Fairweather, who has remained in Metropolitan City with Buddy Brannigan and Doctor Johan Weinstein in order to prevent the nefarious County Zabligioni and the bestial General Katana from building a Radium X bomb that would devastate the city! While Buddy remains undercover at the Playhouse Royale estranged from the ex-moll turned actress Lily Lansdale, Glenn and Weinstein's plan to capture the evil villains has backfired and she has been kidnapped! Meanwhile Crash has allowed himself to be taken prisoner to allow Fairweather and his newly found daughter Kitty, known to all the denizens of the jungle as Sheera the Leopard Queen, to blow up the Radium X mine, but the spurned and vengeful villainess the Contessa De D'Urbervilles has tied Crash to a pillar in the ruined temple of the Upchuki Tribe there to sacrifice him to the sixty foot high Ape that is the Jungle God Kongala!

Music.

FAIRWEATHER
Look! The ape has Crash in its mighty paw!

CRASH
Can't ... break ... free ...

FAIRWEATHER
Look at that jaw! Kongala can swallow him whole!

KITTY
Crash! No!

FAIRWEATHER
It's going to ... going to ...

Slurpy kiss.

Kiss him?

CRASH
Oh, that is revolting.

KONGALA coos at Crash.

FAIRWEATHER
Do you know ... I do believe that Kongala is a female Gorilla?

KITTY
You leave him alone! He's mine!

CRASH
Can you put me down, please?

KONGALA growls.

FAIRWEATHER
I don't believe it! It ... she's doing it!

NATIVES
Kongala! Kongala! Kongala!

CRASH
Please! No bowing!

Growl.

Good girl! It looks like the tables have turned, Contessa

FAIRWEATHER
Crash!

CRASH
Professor! Kitty!

DIETRICH
Curses! You will not escape death! I will kill you myself!

Roar.

Nooooo!

Gunfire, then a gulp.

ALL
Kongala! Kongala! Kongala!

CONTESSA
Oh! C'est horrible!

CRASH
You would have done it to me, Contessa.

FAIRWEATHER
You know, ordinarily, Gorillas are vegetarians.

KONGALA coos.

GABBLES
That big monkey's real keen on you, Lefty! Well, I guess that's the end of that, huh!

Explosion.

KITTY
Mine go boom.

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. Well, quite.

CRASH
But we've got to get back! Who knows what danger they've been in while we were away?

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE TWO

GLENN
You fiend! Doctor Weinstein will never agree to help you.

ZABLIGIONI
That's a where you're wrong, lady. Hey! Did anyone ever tell you that you're a real beautiful? That's your eyes are a like two pools of cool mysterious blue? A man could a drown in a those eyes, I'm telling you.

GLENN
So you are. Constantly.

ZABLIGIONI
Your Doctor has a built a the device we need a to finish the bomb. Maybe he loves you too, eh? He better not be, you know (makes kissy noises). I'm a jealous guy, you know!

GLENN
I'm more likely to be with him than I am with the likes of you! He may be a badly dressed and irascible old curmudgeon, but at least his heart is strong and brave and true!

ZANLIGIONI
Hey! I got a real cute heart! I got testimonials!

GLENN
Oh, please ...

ZABLIGIONI
Are you sure you don't want a glass of wine? Is a beautiful night!

GLENN
Do you never give up?

ZABLIGIONI
Is a my blessing and my curse.

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE THREE

SELMA
Hey!

BUDDY
Oh, hiya. Hey.

SELMA
You eating that or just pushing it around the plate.

BUDDY
Just pushing it around, I guess. Dames!

SELMA
Hey! I'm a dame!

BUDDY
Yeah. You're swell. Sorry.

Sighs.

What's a guy gotta do, huh?

SELMA
Oh, you are such a dope, Buddy Brannigan!

BUDDY
What?

SELMA
She loves you, you clown!

BUDDY
Flint kissed her! I saw it! And he's all big and muscley and stuff! And I'm just a fat little guy in a stupid baseball cap ...

SELMA
The cap comes off, you know-

BUDDY
NOBODY TOUCHES THE CAP!

SELMA
Okay, okay! Not all girls go for square jaws and six packs you know. And how did you know they kissed?

BUDDY
I might have been, er, passing the restaurant, on the way to the, er, the ... look, that ain't important! I saw them kiss!

SELMA
Yeah, and I heard her the next day, all "The big fresh lug!" this and "How dare he?" that! Geez Louise!

BUDDY
Yeah!

SELMA
Yeah!

VICTOR
What is this? Do I pay you to sit around the canteen? No!

SELMA
Give us a break, Mr. Lucakz! We're bleeding out there for you!

VICTOR
It is a beginning! You are moping, little one.

SELMA
He's blue. He's in love.

VICTOR
Ah. Love. Cruel, merciless, pitiless love ...

BUDDY
I ... look, it ain't a problem. It's over. I made a decision.

VICTOR
Ah! You have made a decision! But! Your heart will not listen!

SELMA
You are such a putz, Buddy!

VICTOR
Come! We rehearse! Lose yourself in art!

BUDDY
I guess. What we doing this afternoon?

VICTOR
The "I Will De Alone In Tears" routine!

BUDDY
Aw Geez!

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE FOUR

Phone rings.

WEINSTEIN
Hello? Weinstein speaking.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! Is a Zabligioni!

WEINSTEIN, hissing
Gilhooley!

GILHOOLEY
What! What can I be doing for you, Doctor?

WEINSTEIN, urgent whisper
It's ze bad guys!

GILHOOLEY
And which bad guys? To be sure, I know a lot of bad guys, being a policeman and all. It's enough to test your faith in human nature, so it is!

WEINSTEIN, urgent whisper
Trace the call!

GILLHOOLEY
What? The what the what?

WEINSTEIN, urgent whisper
Trace! The! Call!

GILHOOLEY
And how would I go about doing that, then?

WEINSTEIN
(Muttering) For the sake of pity, I am surrounded by dumbkopfs and numbskulls ... (Normal again, mock cheerful) Count Zabligioni! What can I be doing for you!

ZABLIGIONI
You know what I want!

WEINSTEIN
Charm school and a lifetime supply of mints?

ZABLIGIONI
That's a funny. You're a funny guy. Maybe I have General Katana cut off buts of Glenn Fairweather and send them to you, huh?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Give me the phone, you inadequate and foolish individual.

WEINSTEIN
General Katana.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You have completed the Quartz Timing Initiator?

WEINSTEIN
Against all reason and better judgment ... yes, I have. How do I know Miss Fairweather's all right?

GLENN
Don't do it, Doctor!

WEINSTEIN
Don't tempt me ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
We will make our exchange in a public place. Listen to me ...

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE FIVE

AIR ANNOUNCER
The 2.15 flight from Zuraguay is arriving at Terminal 4. I repeat, the 2.15 flight from Zuraguay is arriving at Terminal 4. Thank you for flying Transmetropolitan Airways!

Ding dong! Crowds.

CRASH
I called ahead. Weinstein said he'd meet us with Chief Gilhooley. I can't believe we're home!

FAIRWEATHER
I can't believe my family will be reunited at last!

GABBLES
I can't believe my family will be reunited at last!

GABBLES
I can't believe we got a giant gorilla through customs!

KONGALA hoots.

WEINSTEIN
Crash! Fairweather! Glenn in a fur bikini?

GLENN
Glenn sister. Me long lost identical twin separated by cruel accident of fate.

WEINSTEIN
Riiight. And ... Mein Gott! A giant ape!

FAIRWEATHER
You'd be surprised what you can pass off as hand luggage.

GOLHOOLEY
Sweet heavens in mercy! Where on Earth does a sixty foot gorilla sit on an aeroplane?

CRASH
Where-ever he wants.

WEINSTEIN
The Contessa De D'Urbervilles! You're as lovely - and as deadly - as you ever were.

GILHOOLEY
Takes her away, boys! And watch out! She's as slippery as a greased leprechaun, so she is!

CRASH
Wait!

CONTESSA
What is it? Haven't you done enough?

CRASH
Even though in the space of the last few weeks you've tried to blow me up and feed me to a giant gorilla ...

KONGALA grunts, affronted.

It's all right, girl. I know you wouldn't have done it. But even though you did those things, I still feel kind of bad. Chief?

GILHOOLEY
What is it, Crash?

CRASH
Tell the judge she came easy and that she's only a cold blooded murder in fact, not where it counts, right in here, in the heart! Tell him the Contessa wasm't always this way. Tell him that once she fought alongside us, even though she had nothing to gain by it and tell him I'll testify, any time, any place, to say the Contessa De D'Urbevilles may have done a lot of things she shouldn't but, given half a chance, can be the kind of woman who can make a real difference!

GILHOOLEY
Has anyone got a pencil|? I''ll never remember that!

CONTESSA
I always will.

Kiss.

Goodbye Crash. We will meet again.

Segue.


ACT THREE SCENE SIX

GILHOOLEY
Okay, boys! Here's the plan! Crash Morgan will be in the audience with his people and Buddy will be backstage. I want you boys to ring the theatre! We'll get those devils! You see if we don't! Malone, you stay here at the station and keep an eye on the Contessa. She's a real smooth operator and I don't trust her!

OFFICER MALONE
Excuse me! Chief Gilhooley!

GILHOOLEY
What is it, Officer Malone?

MALONE
Would I right in understanding that one of Crash Morgan's people is so much a person, as well ... a giant monkey?

GILHOOLEY
That would be correct, yes. A sixty foot mutant gorilla, in fact, so it is.

MALONE
Well, I was just wandering ... where on Earth does a gigantic ape sit in a public theatre?

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE SEVEN

FAIRWEATHER
Do you know, I haven't been to the theatre in ages!

KITTY
Me never been.

FAIRWEATHER
You'll love it, trust me.


KITTY
Dress pretty.

FAIRWEATHER
It is a lovely dress.

WEINSTEIN
It doesn't really work with the bow and arrow though.

FAIRWEATHER
Baby steps, Johan, baby steps.

CRASH
I think she looks lovely.

KITTY, hopeful
We make cubs now?

FAIRWEATHER
This is a public theatre!

WEINSTEIN
That's not stopping that couple in the fourth row. (Calls) Get a room!

KITTY
But dress itches! Shoes hurt! Painted face feel funny! Perfume stink!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh dear ... What's the plan again, Johan old boy?

WEINSTEIN
The bad guys will contact me in the interval. I don't see how they can hope to escape.

FAIRWEATHER
Oh, they're wily ...

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
Excuse me ...

CRASH
Hello? Yes?

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
Your friend is blocking my view ...

CRASH
I'm sorry. Kongala?

KONGALA grunts

Hat. Kongala!

Grunts.

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
Thank you. That's so much better ...

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE EIGHT

ZABLIGIONI

Peanuts! Peanuts! Get a your peanuts!

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
Excuse me, are you the peanut lady?

ZABLIGIONI
What, you think a I’m wearing this stupido uniform for nothing? You think I knocked out a the poor sap who sells the peanuts and stole their stupido uniform, is that what you’re saying?

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
I just want some peanuts…

KATANA
Hai!

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
What!

ZABLIGIONI
Don’t mind her. She just sells ice-cream.

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
I just want some peanuts…

THEATRE GOING GENTLEMAN
I’d like a tub of vanilla, please.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Would you like Sprinkles?

GLENN, gagged
Help me! I’ve been kidnapped.

THEATREGOING GENTLEMAN
Is that a gag?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
No. We have Sprinkles.

ZABLIGIONI
Take a your ice-cream, take a your peanuts, now tt! tt! tt! go!

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE NINE

GABBLES
Three minutes! This is your three minute call, everybody!

VICTOR
Three minutes to curtain! Is everybody ready?

FLINT
Sure thin, Mr. Lucakz!

VICTOR
It is a full house, and I can feel their desire. Can you not taste their need?

LILY
I got butterflies!

VICTOR
Fear will make you strong!

BUDDY
Break a leg, Lily.

Kiss

Maybe after the show…

LILY
I’d like that Buddy.

FLINT
Break a leg, Lily-

LILY
Hey! You don’t kiss me unless either hell freezes over or a room full of people pays! What kind of girl do you think I am?

FLINT
The beautiful but not too bright kind?

SELMA
Flint!

BUDDY
You take that back!

FLINT
I will not! I’ve just about had it with this stupid chump!

BUDDY
Hey! Don’t shove me!

FLINT
Who gets my girl-

BUDDY
Stop that!

FLINT
Who everybody loves so much they seem to forget just who’s the star of this show-

BUDDY
Stop shoving me!

FLINT
And who won’t go anywhere without his stupid baseball cap!

BUDDY
NO! BODY! TOUCHES! THE! CAP!

Huge smacking noise, followed by things breaking.

GABBLES
Holey moley, I think you killed him!

BUDDY
I…I…Aw geez, what have I done?!

SELMA
Flint! Flint! Are you okay?

GABBLES
He’s out plum cold!

VICTOR
What ? What has happened here?

LILY
It was an accident, Mr.Lucakz! flint can’t go on!

VICTOR
Then Buddy must!

BUDDY
I…can’t!

VICTOR
You must! Do you hear?

BUDDY
Aw geez! I’m not really an actor! I can’t do this!

VICTOR
There is no-one else! Go out there and sing, little Buddy Brannigan!

BUDDY
I can’t.

VICTOR
You must! Make this audience know that you love this woman!

BUDDY
That…that I can do!

GABBLES
Curtain! Take your places!

Music starts!

VICTOR
The show must go on!

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE TEN

Clanging noise.

OFFICER MALONE
What? What do you want?

CONTESSA
A little word, Officer. You look so strong in that uniform.

OFFICER MALONE
Hey! None of that! I’m a married man, to be sure! A fine wife and eight children, so don’t be thinking you can be pulling any of that seducing nonsense on old Paddy Malone!

CONTESSA
Eight children!

OFFICER MALONE
I wanted a big family but the wife put her foot down. Begorrah, you smell nice…

CONTESSA
That’s it…breather deep…breathe deep the hypno-perfume of the Contessa D’Urbervilles.

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE TWELVE.


FLINT
Oh! What hit me..

VICTOR
Ah! You are conscious …

FLINT
I should be on stage!

VICTOR
You are always late for rehearsal and now! You sleep! The great Victor offers you immortality and you snooze my gift away, like cheap wine! I spit on you! Ptooie!

FLINT
Who’s out there> Not…Buddy!

VICTOR
Buddy Brannigan, the new star of Circus Follies, has excelled himself! The critics, worthless bottom-feeding parasitical scum that they are, cannot but help but love his charming naivete! He is truly a star… and you…you are fired! Gabbles!

GABBLES
What do you want me to do boss?

VICTOR
Dispose of this!

FLINT
You can’t… I got a contract.

GABBLES
Tell it to the birds, buddy!

FLINT
Who do you think you are?

VICTOR
I am Victor.

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE TWELVE.

Weinstein, complaining to himself.

“Hi! I’ crash! I can’t get the interval snacks because I’ve got a giant ape. Hi! I can’t get the interval snacks because I’ve lived in the jungle since I was eight, don’t understand the concept of money and tried to eat my programme Hi! And I can’t get the interval snacks because I’m a limey schmuck so why don’t you go Johan old boy…(big sigh) Hi! A hot dog, two ice-creams and oh! Half a ton of peanuts please…

GLENN, gagged.
Doctor.

WEINSTEIN
Mein Gott!

ZABLIGIONI
Grab a the Initiator. And keep a the girl! Run!

Segue

WEINSTEIN
Crash! Crash! It’s a disaster…

CRASH
They’re out of hot dogs!?

WEINSTEIN
No, you idiot! They grabbed the Initiator! And they still have Glenn! Look! The fire escape!

CRASH
They’re getting away! After them!

FAIRWEATHER
Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me…

WEINSTEIN
I said we should have sat near the aisle!

FAIRWEATHER
Sorry, Coming through. So sorry.

Segue Door. Traffic noise.

GILHOOLEY
What? What is it?

CRASH
They were here!

GILHOOLEY
Begorrah, there’s ben on-one through here but some Ushers. Look. They gave us free ice-cream!

IRISH COPS. Together.

And very nice it is too.
Lovely fellers.
Begorral
Very refreshing, so it.

FAIRWEATHER
Gone! We’ve missed them!

CRASH
This is bad. This is real bad. What are we going to do now?

WEINSTEIN.
My advice? Leave town. Leave the town right now.

FAIRWEATHER
Kitty! Get off the floor.

KITTY
Smell… animal.

WEINSTEIN
You’re stood next to a sixty foot high gorilla! And your father…

KITTY
No, lots of animals! Lots of spoor.

FAIRWEATHER
That’s preposterous! Where would you find a large variety of animals in Metropolitan City?

CRASH
The Zoo!

WEINSTEIN
The Zoo!

GILHOOLEY
The Zoo!

FAIRWEATHER
The Zoo!

KITTY
The Zoo!

KINGALA grunts.

GILHOOLEY
It’s years since I’ve been to the zoo. I like the seals with their tricks and their beach balls. Begorrah. I’ll radio for backup.

FAIRWEATHER
I only pray it’s not too late.

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE THIRTEEN.

BUDDY
They love us! They really love us!

LILY
They love you, Buddy! I love you.

SELMA
You kids are the best. I ain’t never had an audience like this!

BUDDY
What ! you mean one with a giant ape in it?

SELMA
No, you silly!

GABBLES
Curtain everybody! Take your places.


BUDDY
Lily?

LILY
Buddy

BUDDY
I guess…I mean… I love you too..

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE FOURTEEN

GILHOOLEY
Right. We’ve got the place surrounded.

CRASH
And this time no one get’s out, okay?

GILHOOLEY
Right.

CRASH
No Ushers. No keepers. No one dressed as animals. No one! Okay?

GILHOOLEY
What was the last one again?

CRASH
No one dressed as animals!

GILHOOLY
Got it!


CRASH
We’re going to try to sneak in…

Segue

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Work with haste!

ZABLIGIONI
It’s a big bomb. You want to go boom?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO
If you do not hurry we will be caught.

ZABLIGIONI
Keep your hair on! See this syringe? Concentrated Radium X! Is a plan D

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Are you near completion of our most urgent project?

ZABLIGIONI
Don’t interrupt! This is a crucial!

CRASH
Step away from the bomb!

Electrical noise

ZABLIGIONI
Now you’ve done it! Ten minutes, we’re linguini, just like my Momma used to burn.

CRASH
Stay right where you are!

ZABLIGIONI
No fear!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

Music

KITTY
Run away! They run!

CRASH
I’ll go after Katana! Fairweather! You go after Zabligioni! He ran towards the Reptile House! Kitty! After the Nazi goon!

WEINSTEIN.
What am I? Chopped liver?

CRASH
The bomb man! The bomb.

WEINSTEIN.
Oh, right. The big bomb!

Segue. Cell door.

GLENN
Contessa what are you doing here?

CONTESSA
I’ve come to do something I should have done a long time ago…

GLENN
Get back! Get back I say!

CONTESSA
You idiot, I’ve not come to hurt you! I’ve come to free you.

GLENN
What… why?

CONTESSA
For Crash.

GLENN
Does this mean you’re good again? Because we’ve had this before…

CONTESSA
Do you want to escape or not?

GLENN
Righty ho!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Our nefarious scheme is undone! But I will at least have the satisfaction of killing the both of you…

CRASH
Over my dead body!

CONTESSA & GLENN together
Crash!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
It will be my honour.

CRASH
You’d swordfight an unarmed man?

Clang!

YOKO
My master always carries a spare.

Swordfight begins. Segue.

FAIRWEATHER
I have you now, you foppish dastard. How fitting- hiding out in a reptile house!

ZABLIGIONI
You’ll be laughing on the other side of your kisser in just a minute…

FAIRWEATHER
Fabulous taste and exquisite shoes won’t save you now.

ZABLIGIONI
Maybe I don’t need saving!

FAIRWEATHER
What are you doing with that poor innocent Gecko and that glowing syringe?

ZABLIGIONI
Is a plan D. I always got a plan B through F.

FAIRWEATHER
Can my eyes be deceiving me.. it’s growing.

ZABLIGIONI
Is a concentrated Radium X solution. Is a going to be a biiig Gecko!

FAIRWEATHER
You are the most twisted of geniuses!

ZABLIGIONI
Is a my blessing and my curse.

FAIRWEATHER
Look out!

Zabligioni screams. Chomping noise and crashing of masonry. Segue

CRASH
Disarmed! Surrender, Katana!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You have won…

CRASH
What are you doing here, Contessa?

GLENN
She came to free me.

CRASH
I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me..

YOKO
Step away from my master.

GLENN
A pistol!

YOKO
Step away!

KATANA
No.. Yoko. He has defeated me honourably.. Our lives are his.

YOKO
No!

KATANA
Yoko! No!

CONTESSA
No!

Gunshot! Thump!

CRASH
Contessa

YOKO
Uhf!

GLENN
Take that you murdering hussy.

CRASH
Oh, Contessa… why did you do it?

CONTESSA
Because it is all I could do, the only sacrifice I have to make… Oh Crash…I love you. Be with Glenn. Be happy. And please, I beg you, remember me for the good I have done…

CRASH
Oh, I’m so sorry Contessa…

CONTESSA
Kiss me Crash.

Music swells.

CRASH
Gone… She may have lived in the shadows but she died in the light. I promise you , Contessa, you will always be remembered and I will always treasure the memory of this last fleeting kiss…

GLENN
I bit too much if you ask me….

Segue

GILHOOLY
Saints preserve us!

KITTY
Giant lizard!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl! Urgh!

FAIRWEATHER
I can’t believe my eyes.

WEINSTEIN
I’m trying to defuse a nuclear device. I really don’t need this right now…

KITTY
Look! Kongala! Kongala stop!

Monster roars and carnage. Radio noise.

GILHOOLY
This is Chief Gilhooly to all cars! We have a twelve twenty nine, repeat twelve twenty nine- a gigantic lizard is up downtown Metropolitan City. We have a giant ape, repeat a giant ape on the scene moving to intercept.

Static

No, I have not been drinking and frankly I resent the implication. This is Chief Gilhooly to all cars! Repeat, we have a twelve twenty nine, repeat a twelve twenty nine, heading uptown…

Carnage and music

GASTON
No! You cannot come in her without a tie.

Monster roar

Noooooo!

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE FIFTEEN.

FAIRWEATHER.
Crash! All hell’s breaking loose out there!

CRASH
I heard.

GLENN
Good Lord, it’s…my Lord! It’s kike looking in a mirror! Albeit one with no dress sense andmade up like a clown…

CRASH
Of course. You didn’t know… We found your sister in South America.

KITTY
Remember you. Kitty play with Glenn so long ago.

GLENN
It’s like… it’s like talking to myself…

FAIRWEATHER
My family…together again at last…

WEINSTEIN
Not if you don’t shut up and let me concentrate…

CRASH
How’s it going Professor?

WEINSTEIN
Five seconds and it’s good news or bad news …four…three…two…one…

Long pause

CRASH
I’m guessing that’s good news…

WEINSTEIN
Ja, pretty good. How’s it going out there?

CRASH
It’s not good! Kongala’s doing her best but the giant Gecko is wrecking the cityQ

WEINSTEIN
I have an idea

FAIRWEATHER
You do?

WEINSTEIN
Ja. I have drained off some depleted Radium X from the bomb core and mixed it with some animal tranquilisers I have found. If it can be injected into the Gecko the anti- particles should amplify the tranquiliser and reduce the creatureto unconsciousness.

FAIRWEATHER
But how are we supposed to do that?

WEINSTEIN
Well, I packed the rocket suit…

CRASH
Yes, this is no job for Crash Morgan, Special Agent FBI, hors d’oeuvre to a Jungle Deity and Guest Judge for the Tihuana Young Ladies Correctional Facility’s “Miss Rehabilitation” Swimsuit Pageant! This is a job for the human rocket! But, goldarn it, how am I suppose to stick the syringe in and fly the suit.

KITTY
Carry Kitty! Kitty have bow! Kitty shoot monster! Kitty best shot in jungle.

FAIRWEATHER
It could work.

CRASH
To victory then!

Segue

GILHOOLY
This is Chief Gilhooly to all planes! The creature is climbing the Metropolitan State Building and Kongala is following.

Airplanes and gunfire.

Do not fire on Kongala! The giant ape is one of the good guys, so it is!

Ray gunnoise! Explosion.

I don’t believe it! The giant lizard is shooting the creatures our of the sky with some kind of radioactive lizard breath! It’s beyond belief so it is.

Carnage and music.

WEINSTEIN
Suits ready!

CRASH
It’s been a while since I’ve flown her. Ready Kitty?

KITTY
Kitty ready.

CRASH
Just one moment.. Glenn?

GLENN
Crash?

CRASH
This may not be the best time, but if there’s one thing the Contessa taught me it’s that you have to make the time to do the right thing… I guess what I’m saying is… Will you marry me, Glenn?

FAIRWEATHER
My word!

GLENN
I…I don’t know hat to say…

CRASH
Yes, you do.

GLENN
Oh! Crash!

CRASH
Oh! Glenn

Music swells.

KITTY
Glenn and Crash make cubs?

WEINSTEIN
Any minute now, by the look of it…

GLENN
Be safe Crash.

CRASH.
You know it! Hold tight Kitty.

KITTY sadly
Kitty hold on tight.

CRASH
Up and away!

Rocket noise

GLENN
Godspeed, my love. Godspeed.

Music

CRASH
OKAY… I’m going to get us in as close as I can.

Ray gun noise

KITTY
Fire breath!

CRASH
That was a near thing!

Ray gun noise

Darn, I can’t get any closer.

KITTY
Can’t shoot from here.

Kongala roars

Kongala attack!

Ray gun noise. Kongala roars

Kongala burning!

CRASH
But it’s the opening we need! Just fire that syringe arrow!

Twang. Monster roar.

You got it!

Crumbling noise. Kongala screams.

KITTY
No! Kongala fall!

CRASH
I hope they cleared the streets…

FLINT
He can’t fire me! He hasn’t heard the last of… Oh, Goldarn…

Thump and splat noise

Music

KITTY
Kongala, Oh! Kongala.

CRASH
It’s alright, you did good, girl. You did good…

Kongala hoots.

KITTY sobbing
Kongala die.

FAIRWEATHER
Actually I think she’ll be alright. It’s a long fall but nothing looks broken.

CRASH
She will?

Slurpy Kiss.
Oh! That is still revolting…

KITTY
Kongala live!

FAIRWEATHER
What about the giant Gecko?

WEINSTEIN
It’s out cold. They’re going toneed a bigger reptile house…

KITTY
Kongala go back to plateau and Kitty go with her.

FAIRWEATHER
What! No you can’t! I’ve only just found you.

GLENN
He’s right. You’ve been back so short a time. There’s so much for me to reach you! Dress sense and personal grooming how to use cutlery..

CRASH
You should stay. This is where you belong.

KITTY
No, not belong. Not stay. Not smart, smart enough. Glenn love Crash, Crash love Glenn. Anyone else love Crash, get shot or fall off building.

WEINSTEIN
The girl has a point.

KITTY
Come see me. Always a place for you in jungle. Always place for all of you but cannot live here. Not Kitty, not Kitty for long time. I am Sheera, Leopard Queen. The trees are my home and the jungle canopies my roadways. There Sheera is free. There Sheera is strong. Here Sheera is just …copy. Bad copy of Glenn.

FAIRWEATHER
My baby girl!

GLENN
My darling sister.

CRASH
Just say you’ll stay for the wedding…

FAIRWEATHER
I say, Johan old chap… is that a tear in your eye?

WEINSTEIN.
No, it’s nothing (sniffs) Nothing at all.

CRASH
Well, Metropolitan City is safe, everything is the way it should be … and there’s still time to carch the end of Buddy’s show.

LILY
All alone. (all alone) I say you all alone.
I felt you all alone (all alone)
And how I wished that I could hold you.

BUDDY
What I wanted (I want) was to tell you what I wanted
To tear away this front (this front)
That stood between we two.

LILY
Because the walls that stood between the two of us
(unreal)

BUDDY
They couldn’t stand between the two of us
(I feel)

LILY AND BUDDY
They couldn’t stand between the two of us
Any more!
So we can take each other by the hand (the hand)
So that together we can stand
Alone No More together. (Together)

LILY
Hold the phone. (hold the phone Everybody hold the phone
And finally leave me all alone (hold the phone)
So I can join you, be alone with you.

BUDDY
I got my wish ( I did) My fondest rruest wish.
Nothing else but you exists (but you) but you in the whole wide world!

LILY AND BUDDY
All the misunderstandings blown away
(Far away)
All that’s in our hearts that we can say
( We can say)
And I will tell you every day
That I love you (That I love you)

LILY
But in the end (I got) I got what I wanted most
The best buddy in the world.

VICTOR not singing
That’s not the lyric!

LILY
(I got him) so I guess that in the end…

BUDDY
We don’t have to be alone…

ALL
Alone no more together.

Rapturous applause.

NARRATOR
So the Metropolitan City is safe again. What further adventures await our heroes? Find out next week in the next amazing Crash Morgan serial: Crash Morgan and the Fire of the Gods.

THE END


ACT ONE SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau, Episode One - The Theatre of Danger, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Crash Morgan, Special Agent FBI, Fighter Pilot and ex-Football Hero, also secretly the cannonball Crusader known only as the Human Rocket, fearlessly fights evil's forces where-ever he finds them aided only by his sidekick Buddy Brannigan.

Our story begins in a deserted Mansion just outside Metropolitan City ...

Thunder rumbles

DIETRICH
The Contessa De D'Urbervilles. Your reputation precedes you.

Contessa
You are too kind, Herr Hauptman. Why have I been summoned here?

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! Get the lady some wine! Issa beautiful night!

Thunder rumbles again

Well, maybe not a beautiful night! But wine for the lady!

DIETRICH
You know Doctor Zabligioni, the Count of Monte Pastrami?

CONTESSA
I've not had the pleasure.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! We can do something about that! Some wine! Some music! Lotsa dancing! You like a to dance? I like a to dance. I like to dance real close...

CONTESSA But his reputation also precedes him.

ZABLIGIONI
I love a the ladies. Issa my blessing and a my curse.

KATANA
Hai!

DEITRICH
General Katana

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO
My master says your prattle offends him. Still your mongrel tongue.

ZABLIGIONI
My mongrel tongue issa my blessing and a my curse.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA

We are hear to crush the Capatalist Running Dogs. Desist your foolish innuendos.

CONTESSA
General Katana.

KATANA
Hai!

CONTESSA
If I am not mistaken, you were educated at Cambridge.

YOKO
My master has sworn never again to sully his person by speaking again your vile language.

KATANA
Hai!

Another low rumble.

CONTESSA
I see. Why have you brought us here, Dietrich?

DEITRICH
You are a famed archaeologist. Franz!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

Tinkly music.

DIETRICH
You recognise this?

CONTESSA
I would say ... It is a figurine of Ashani...A minor Sumerian sun Goddess, although the detail is strange. I have never seen one rendered in metal before. Most strange. I do not recognise the alloy ...

DEITRICH
I would not expect you to.

ZABLIGIONI
Mama mia! Give it! Give it to me!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO, over KATANA
You shame you ancestors with your oafish manners.

Clicking noise

ZABLIGIONI, excited
Issa...issa...hey! Where a did you get this?

DIETRICH
You know this metal?

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! I'm a scientist! It's a my blessing and my curse! I know all the metals! But I never sen this! Irsa ... Itsa ... It can only be ...

DIETRICH
Yes! Yes!

ZABLIGIONI
Radium X!

Sting

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO, over KATANA
This mineral exists only in theory! With it ... with it we could ...

CONTESSA
We could generate cheap, endless power. We could feed the world!

DIETRICH
Actually, we were thinking along the lines of a bomb sort of thing ...

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

ZABLIGIONI
Si! Build a bomb! A great big bomb!

DIETRICH
The most powerful bomb the world has ever seen! And then!

CONTESSA
Then ...

DIETRICH
The world would be ours!

Laughter over thunder and lightning

But this pitiful sample is insufficient. We need much. Much more.

ZABLIGIONI
We must a have it!

KATANA
Hai!

DIETRICH
And that my dear Contessa, is where you come in ...
Segue to:


ACT ONE SCENE TWO

LILY
Hello? Hiya?

GABBLES
Hey hey hey! What ya doin' here? You wanna come in here buy a ticket like anyone else?

LILY
I was told the auditions were here?

GABBLES
Ohhh! The auditions! Go talk to the big guy with the moustache!

LILY
What?

GABBLES
The! Big! Guy! With! The! Moustache!

LILY
Oh, right. Thanks.

GABBLES
Don't mention it my YOU PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW THAT AIN'T NO TOY pleasure

LILY
Hello?

CRASH
LILY!

LILY
Hey! Don’t I know you?

CRASH
Never met you before in my life.

LILY
Oh. Right. Anyway, I'm here for the audition for the new musical Circus Follies and ... I do known you!

CRASH
No, you don't

LILY
Yeah! I do!

CRASH
My name's Lefty Ramone and I'm just a stagehand.

LILY
You sound awful familiar, too.

CRASH
Trust me Lily. You don't know me. We've never even met.

LILY
Then how do you know my name?

CRASH
Er ...

LILY
And your moustache! It's peeling off!

CRASH
Goldarn it!

LILY, loud
You'd better come clean right now, buster!

CRASH
Ssh! Ssh! All right, Lily! It's me! Crash! Crash Morgan!

LILY
Crash! Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I. ex-Football Hero and Ham Radio Enthusiast! But you've been missing for months ! What are you doing here?

CRASH
There's a new racket smuggling archaeological artefacts into the city and Police Chief Gilhooley asked us to investigate undercover, me and Buddy.

LILY
Buddy? Buddy's here? Buddy Brannigan, Faithful Sidekick and Teenage Adventurer? Here? Buddy Brannigan, in Metropolitan City? This Metropolitan City? The Buddy Brannigan who I saved from fiery explosive death those long months ago? He's here? In Metropolitan City? The same Buddy Brannigan for who I betrayed my main squeeze Eddie "The Bard" Malone only to have him mysteriously disappear without a trace or a word? That Buddy Brannigan? Here, now, in Metropolitan City?

CRASH
He still means something to you, doesn't he?

LILY
Aw geez ...

CRASH
Look, you have to keep it quiet. Can you do that?

LILY
Yeah, sure.

CRASH
Rehearsal's in the auditorium. That way. Break a leg.

LILY
Sure, Thanks a bunch.

Segue


ACT ONE SCENE THREE

FAIRWEATHER
Where is it? Now where did I put it?

WEINSTEIN
What?

FAIRWEATHER
Have you seen my pipe old chap? I left it around here somewhere ... Ah! Found it!

WEINSTEIN
I'm trying to work here!

FAIRWEATHER
What are you doing, old chap?

WEINSTEIN
Well, if you must know ... I'm rebuilding the rocket suit!

FAIRWEATHER
The astounding rocket suit with which our yound friend Crash Morgan previously battled crime in his alter ago of the Cannonball Crusader known only as the Human Rocket, prior to our sojourn to the Red Planet Mars?

WEINSTEIN
No. I want to go to the shops. What do you think?

FAIRWEATHER
Seeing you working on that takes me back, you know ...

WEINSTEIN
If only.

FAIRWEATHER
Flying low over the fields of France in a Sopwith Camel, flak bursting all around me. Still those days are over now. It's Crash's time now ... Do you know, we haven't seen Crash for a while!

WEINSTEIN
He's doing something for Chief Gilhooley, I think.

Knocking

Oh great. Now it's a party.

FAIRWEATHER
I'll get it

Door.

GLENN
Hello Daddy. Professor Weinstein.

FAIRWEATHER
Glenn! My Baby girl!

WEINSTEIN
Oh great.

FAIRWEATHER
Oh great.

FAIRWEATHER
So ... what brings Glenn Fairweather, the London English Evening Post's star reporter all the way from faraway England to Metropolitan City?

GLENN
Oh, Daddy. How could you forget? Today is Kitty's fifteenth anniversary.

FAIRWEATHER
Of course. I could never forget, although Lord knows I've tried.

GLENN
Poor Kitty.

FAIRWEATHER
Yes, Poor Kitty

GLENN
Poor, poor Kitty.

FAIRWEATHER
Poor Kitty.

GLENN
And Mother, of course.

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. But mainly Kitty.

GLENN
Yes. Poor, poor Kitty.

WEINSTEIN
Enough with the poor Kitty! Who's Kitty?

FAIRWEATHER
It was fifteen years ago today ... My dear wife Antonia, a noted paleonthropologist second only to, well, myself, had taken an expedition to South American in search of the fabled Lost Plateau of Kongala, a mysterious and mythical island of antiquity enshrouded in the deep mists and believed to be found somewhere in the far uncharted rainforests there. My darling Glenn here had flu and stayed here with me in the United States where my lecturing duties had kept me, while her identical twin sister Kitty travelled with her mother. The last communication we had was that my darling Antonia had a lead to the South and took a flight to explore. Why? Why? Oh why?

WEINSTEIN
To find the fabled and mysterious Lost Plateau of yadda yadda yadda?

FAIRWEATHER
No! Why oh why did she choose to ignore sound meteorological advice and fly directly into the path of a ferocious storm? She stood no chance. Her flimsy aeroplane would have been torn asunder, like a butterfly in sxome enormous machine filled with whirring blades, and, possibly, some form of grating apparatus. Why? Why? Oh why?

GLENN
Oh, Daddy ...

FAIRWEATHER
No trace of wreckage was ever found and ... poor, poor Kitty.

GLENN
Poor, poor Kitty ...

WEINSTEIN
So! Changing the subject! How's work.

GLENN
Well, if you must know ... I was fired!

WEINSTEIN
I had to ask ...

FAIRWEATHER
Fired! My word!

GLENN
Yes. They wouldn't believe the reason for my disapearance six months ago. They wouldn't even give me a chance to explain!

WEINSTEIN
We are all accidentally went to Mars in a Matter Transmitter Ray accident. What's to explain?

FAIRWEATHER
Well, quite.

GLENN
But I managed to get them to give me another chance, and so they've sent me to interview the world famous Victor Lucakz!

FAIRWEATHER
Well I never!

GLENN
It's just Society nonsense, not real reporting at all.

FAIRWEATHER
Victor Lucakz, you say!


GLENN
That's right, yes.

FAIRWEATHER
My word. The world famous Victor Lucakz!

GLENN
Yes.

FAIRWEATHER
Well well ... The Victor Lucakz.

WEINSTEIN
You don't know who he is, do you?

FAIRWEATHER
No, I'm afraid I have no idea at all ...

GLENN
He's a world-famous director of both the stage and screen, Daddy. Surely you've heard of his musicals? The Laughing Soldiers? Broadway Jack? Or his movies? Everbody's seen his movies.

FAIRWEATHER
I'm not really one for going out, you know. I'd rather settle down with a nice glass of sherry, a roaring fire, maybe a good book and a good rough shag.

WEINSTEIN
Oy.

GLENN
Well, he's auditioning at the Playhouse Royale this week with a new show. And in the meantime, well I was hoping you might have a look at this.

FAIRWEATHER
What is it?

GLENN
I found this, Daddy. I brought it from a disreputable antiques dealer down on 5th and North.

WEINSTEIN
Let us see!

Tinkly noise.

FAIRWEATHER
Amazing! Kakapoopoo, the God of Fertilisation! The detail is astounding!

GLENN
Yes. Holding his little gourd and standing on his little hill of earth.

FAIRWEATHER
Er. That's not earth ...


WEINSTEIN
Oy.

GLENN
And he's so generously ... proportioned ...

WEINSTEIN
I said oy!

FAIRWEATHER
And the metal is unfamiliar, strangely warm to the touch ...

WEINSTEIN
Warm to the touch? Let me see. Give it! Give! Give!

Clicking noise

Radioactive! It is impossible! This is Radium X! Mein Gott, this is wunderbar! Where did you get this?

GLENN
I told you where! The gentlemen wouldn't say where he got it. He was jolly rude actually. Apparently I have swell gams...

WEINSTEIN
Possibly you do, but this is beside the point! Don't you understand how important this is?

GLENN
Not really

WEINSTEIN
Oy! I am surrounded by dumbkopfs and numbskulls!

GLENN
But the box it came in has this ...

WEINSTEIN
A ticket snub!

FAIRWEATHER
For the Playhouse Royale!

Segue


ACT ONE. SCENE FOUR

GABBLES
You! You there! What d'ya think you're doing?

BUDDY
Think?

GABBLES
Think! Think! Think! What, ya deaf?

BUDDY
No.

GABBLES
And that's it, huh? Smart guy, huh?

CRASH
It's okay, Gabbles. He's with me. He's here for the audition.

GABBLES
Hey! Lefty! Maybe you wanna buy something pretty? For your girl, if'n you got a girl!

CRASH
We're fine thanks.

GABBLES
You sure? Real fine merchandise, can't get it anywhere else!

CRASH
I said we're fine.

GABBLES
You sure?

CRASH
We're sure. Thanks.

GABBLES
Its your loss. Catch ya later, guys!

BUDDY, hushed
So, how's it going, Crash?

CRASH
Not well. If there's anything shady going on here I certainly can't find it.

GABBLES
You sure you're sure?

CRASH
Yes Gabbles, we're sure! (back to Buddy) And something else, Lily's here!

BUDDY
Wait! Lily's here? Lily Lansdale, Former Ganster's Moll and Lounge Singer? Here? Lily Lansdale, in Metropolitan City? This Metropolitan City? This Metropolitan City? The Lily Lansdale who saved us from fiery explosive death those long months ago? She's here? In Metropolitan City? The same Lily Lansdale who betrayed Eddie "The Bard" Malone to save us before we were transported to Mars in a bizarre scientific accident? That Lily Lansdale? Here, now, in Metropolitan City?

CRASH
She still means something to you, doesn't she?

BUDDY
Aw Geez...

GABBLES
ALL RIGHT! LINE RIGHT UP!

Buddy
I better go.

CRASH
All right. You go. Break a leg.

Segue.

ACT ONE. SCENE FIVE

CONTESSA
" Circus Follies, a new musical directed by Victor Lucatz. Coming Soon." This is the place.

ZABLIGIONI
I love a the musical theatre. So! What a we gonna do?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
We kill them all until they talk. We will drink their blood like cheap sake.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! Issa plan! Issa not a good plan but issa plan!

CONTESSA
As much as it pains me to admit it - the Count has a point.

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
You have a better idea, foolish and degenerate ones?

ZABLIGIONI
Maybe we just go in and we say hey! You look like a nice guys. Where can a we getta our hands on one of these bambinos?

Tinkly music.

CONTESSA
Put that away!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
You are like a woman with huge feet!

KATANA
Hai!

CONTESSA
Sacre bleu! Give me strength ... No, monsieurs, some work requires a woman's touch ...

Segue

ACT ONE SCENE SIX

BUDDY
Excuse me, is this the queue for -

LILY
Buddy!

BUDDY
Lily! Aw Geez ... you look so pretty ...

LILY
And you're looking so manly and rugged.

BUDDY
Aw Geez!

LILY
Why did you leave me Buddy? I thought we were special. I was kinda hoping we could go...steady!

BUDDY
I wanted that, but Geez, first the Matter Transmitter Ray exploded and then we went to Mars and then we all got kidnapped and then we escaped but then I hadn't and then I thought Crash was dead and then I had to dress up as a Bridesmaid, but Crash weasn't dead, but then Tang returned and we had to find a mystical sword and then when I got back to Earth we had to go undercover and then I -

LILY
Buddy!

BUDDY
Lily?

LILY
If you didn't want to see me no more, you should have just said so!

BUDDY
Aw Geez, no! It's the truth! I wanted to see you lots! You're swell, for a girl, and all!

LILY
Well, whoop-di-doo!

BUDDY, perplexed
Is that good?

LILY
You figure it out, Mister I-been-to-Mars!

BUDDY, frustrated
Well, I don't know! No-one ever said "Whoop-di-doo!" to me before! How do I know what it means?

LILY
Honestly, you're such a child! Maybe what I needs a REAL man!

FLINT
Excuse me. Is this queue for the audience?

LILY
Oh, yeah. I'm Lily, and this is Buddy. I'm auditioning for the part of Maisie, the acrobat with the heart of gold.

FLINT
Flint Brutholm. I'm auditioning for the role of Marko, the Policeman whose family died tragically in fire and yet who must go undercover as a fire-eater in order to find their long-ago killer.

BUDDY
Yeah. I was going for that too...

FLINT
I've just done Shakespeare in the park, some rep work, a little film. I just had a walk on in the lates RKO picture. What did you do last?

BUDDY
The baby Jesus?

FLINT
Well, okay. Do you do your own stunts?

BUDDY
I can spit my gum real good?

FLINT
Well, I can see how that might come in real handy.

BUDDY
Aw Geez...

Segue

ACT FOUR SCENE SEVEN

GABBLES
Hey! What ya doin' back here?

CRASH
I thought I saw someone moving around here out back ...

GABBLES
No one here! Stop slacking off and get back to your work!

CRASH
Anyway, what are you doing back here?

GABBLES
Er ...

CRASH
You know, this deserted part of the theatre might be the perfect place to hide hidden contraband ... Oh, well. You're right. I'm probably just being foolish.

GABBLES
Er, yeah ... yeah, right. If anyone was here I'd know about it anyhow. You get a sense for that kind a stuff when you spend time out in the wild!

CRASH
The wild?

GABBLES
Yeah! I used to be in the army! I remember one time we got lost in South America, you ain't never gonna guess what we found!

CRASH
Really?

GABBLES
Yeah, I told Mister Lucakz all about it and it's gonna put him on the map, but why shouldn't a working joe make a little bread on the side, huh?

CRASH
You know, I know what you're saying.

cracking noise

There IS someone back there!

GABBLES
Nah! It's a rat is all!

A cough.

We got a lot a sick rats! Ah, forget about it! I'm getting back to work ...

Footsteps off

CRASH
And I'm going to take a closer look ...

Segue

ACT FOUR SCENE EIGHT

Murmur of voices.

VICTOR
Welcome, all! I am Victor!

ALL, various
Hi ... Hello ... Hi there.

VICTOR
You are all come to take place in my art, and you will bleed, for art is like a woman, cruel and demanding. I respect that. To those who fall today, I spit on you. Ptooie! Ptooie, but it will make you strong! In this Nietzche was correct, although he did not dance. But! You will be resplendent, transcendent.

LILY
Ain't he the greatest?

BUDDY
I guess

FLINT
He is a genius.

VICTOR
You!

BUDDY
Who? Me?

VICTOR
I will lift you from your cheap shoes and make you a god!

BUDDY
Gee! Thanks!

VICTOR
You will not thank me soon.

BUDDY
Oh.

VICTOR
For one of you will come a greater adventure still! But no! I have spoken too much! Begin the auditions!

Clap of hands and a piano begins to play. Segue.

Segue.

ACT ONE SCENE NINE

GLENN
Excuse me?

GABBLES
Hiya! You're a real swell looking dame!

GLENN
Thanks

GABBLES
Real swell. Reeeeeeal swell. Too late for the audition, though.

GLENN
I have an appointment with Mr Lucakz?

GABBLES
Oh sure! The reporter dame!

GLENN
That's right, yes. Glenn Fairweather, of the London English Evening Post.

GABBLES
Maybe I could tell you about myself, eh? Maybe some dinner, huh?

GLENN
Well, perhaps ...

GABBLES
Here! Got a little present for you!

Tinkly music. GLENN gasps.

GLENN
Where did you get this?

GABBLES
Well, wouldn't you like to know?

GLENN
Well, yes I would actually.

GABBLES
Well, I got a whole crate of them!

GLENN
And I would love to hear about how you got them. Maybe after I've had my little interview with Mr. Lucakz ...

GABBLES
Ha! That ain't gonna take long lemme tell ya, you wasted your journey! Nothing exciting ever happens round here!

Segue

ACT ONE SCENE TEN

Murmuring, and a clapping of hands.

VICTOR
I will have attention! It is my right! I am Victor!

BUDDY
Aw, Geez ...

VICTOR
It is the dream of every director to be presented the perfect cast, the living embodiment of the souls he will create for the audience! It is my dream, and once again my hopes are dashed on the sharp and empty stones that are your talentless hearts! Can such stones be polished into diamonds? Perhaps, for I am Victor!

LILY
He is just the greatest ...

VICTOR
You! Do not interupt me!

LILY
I'm sorry

VICTOR
Be silent!

BUDDY!
Hey! You don't talk to her that way!

LILY
Buddy!

VICTOR
You are brave, yet foolish. Now! Lily Lansdale!

LILY
Yes, Mr Lucakz?

VICTOR
You are to play the part of Maisie. You are clumsy and without skill and your limited range sickens me, yet I have small hope.

LILY
Thank you, Mr Lucakz!

VICTOR
And you, who dares interupt Victor! You are perfect for the role of Marko!

BUDDY
Oh?

VICTOR
Yet less perfect than Flint Brutholm. The part is his!

FLINT
Yes!

BUDDY
Oh.

VICTOR
Yet your naivete' amuses me and you may remain as understudy. The other lesser roles will be poisted outside the main office. If you have been successful, then I will work you as you would not a dog. If you have failed, do not return even to see the show, for the splendour of it would crack your empty hearts!
Leave now!

Murmuring and footsteps.

BUDDY
Well ... congratulations, I guess ...

LILY
Oh, Buddy ...

BUDDY
You're going to be great ...

FLINT
Excuse me ... sorry to be a buttinski ...

LILY
Hi Flint. Me and Buddy were just-

BUDDY
No, it's okay. I understand.

LILY
Buddy I-

BUDDY
You go. You got lines to learn ...

FLINT
Maybe over dinner?

LILY
Well, I ... Buddy? Buddy?

FLINT
I guess he had somewhere to be. Dinner?

LILY
Yeah, I guess. (She sighs.) Oh Buddy ...

Segue

ACT ONE SCENE ELEVEN

FAIRWEATHER
You know, I've been reading.

WEINSTEIN
This is nice.

FAIRWEATHER
All this talk of poor Kitty ...

WEINSTEIN
Ja, ja.

FAIRWEATHER
Poor, poor Kitty. Still, no doubt she's in a better place.

WEINSTEIN
I envy her.

FAIRWEATHER
I beg you pardon?

WEINSTEIN
Nothing, nothing.

FAIRWEATHER
Righty ho. I've been updating my files on Lost Civilisations, you see.

WEINSTEIN
That's nice for you.

FAIRWEATHER
Of what little we know of the fabled and mysterious Lost Plateau of Kongala, so named after the gigantic Ape-God who serves as the Plateau's titular deity and defender. But the interesting thing is, you see ... the various Tribes of Kongala are reputed to be polytheistic societies!

WEINSTEIN
That's nice.

FAIRWEATHER
No, you don't understand. They worship other gods beside Kongala. Don't you see? I'm talking Kakapoopoo here!

WEINSTEIN
I thought you might be.

FAIRWEATHER
Perhaps the answers to the twin mysteries of the disappearance of my long lost wife and daughter and this -

Tinkly music

Both lie in South America!

WEINSTEIN
Ja, vell. There!

FAIRWEATHER
What is it, old boy?

WEINSTEIN
I got it! The rocket suit is complete!

FAIRWEATHER
That is good news! I wonder what Crash, Buddy and my darling Glenn are up to now?

The phone rings.

Hello? Good Lord!

Segue.

ACT ONE SCENE TWELVE

Footsteps.

CRASH
Come on ... I know you're here ... I can wander these cobwebbed and shadowy pipe-filled corridors all night if I have to ...

Sting.

CRASH
Dietrich! Zabligioni! And someone else!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

DEITRICH
Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I. Hma Radio Enthusiast and Winner of the 1939 "Mr Milwaukee" Strongman Contest! We have you now!

ZABLIGIONI
Not a the face! I'm too pretty! Is a my blessing and my curse! Uhf!

Fight ends.

CRASH
You have to get up earlier than that to catch Crash Morgan!

The sound of a blade being drawn.

BUDDY
Crash!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
Desist, oafish potato-eater! Or I will slit his fat throat!

CRASH
What are you doing here, Buddy?

BUDDY
I was just looking for somewhere to be on my own for a while ...

CRASH
What?

BUDDY
It's Lily, she ... I think she's in love with someone else.

ZABLIGIONI
That's a so sad.

KATANA laughs uproariously

YOKO
I find amusement in your sorrow.

CRASH
So. What happens now?

Segue.

ACT ONE SCENE THIRTEEN

VICTOR
You! What are you doing in my office?

CONTESSA
Why, Monsieur Lucakz ... waiting for you.

VICTOR
You are very beautifal. But I am surrounded by beauty!

CONTESSA
Are you really?

VICTOR
Of course! I am Victor! I am expecting a visitor! You must leave.

CONTESSA
My business is most urgent.

VICTOR
If you wish to audition I will be pleased to see you. Later. Later!

CONTESSA
Can't you spare me just a spare moment?

VICTOR
You must leave! No! I cannot be swayed by your loveliness! Nothing you can do can move me!

CONTESSA
Really?

VICTOR, pleasurable shock
Whooa! I am Victor!

CONTESSA
How about that?

VICTOR
That's ... nice.

CONTESSA
I am no actress, Monsieur Lucakz. I am the Contessa Francesca De D'Urbervilles ...

VICTOR, squeeky
I am Victor

CONTESSA
I really need to know something.

VICTOR
You do?

CONTESSA
Oh yes ...

Door.

GABBLES
Your two o'clock is here HOLY COW!

VICTOR
Away! Away away!

GABBLES
Geez, what ya doin'?!

VICTOR
I am ... indisposed.

GABBLES
Your two o'clock's outside! That reporter dame!

CONTESSA
Send her away, Victor. So we can ... talk ... some more.

VICTOR, ecstatic
Whoa!

GABBLES
Holy macaroni and sweet mother of mercy!

GLENN
Hello, Mr. Lucakz. Good heavens!

CONTESSA
Glenn Fairweather!

GLENN
The Contessa De D'urbevilles!

VICTOR
I am Victor!

GLENN
Tell me, Contessa. Is there any one of your nefarious schemes that actually involve you leaving clothes on?

CONTESSA
What are you after, little mouse?

GLENN
The same thing as you, I'll wager.

VICTOR
Ladies ... I may be the Great Victor but one man can only do so much ...

GLENN & THE CONTESSA, together
Be quiet.

GLENN
I know about the Radium X!

CONTESSA
You know too much!

Sting. Gasps all round.

VICTOR
A pistol!

GABBLES
Where did that come from?

GLENN
You villainous harlot!

CONTESSA
I came for the information, Monsieur Lucakz and if you will not give it to me the pleasant way ...

VICTOR
We can still do it the pleasant way?

GLENN
Oh honestly.

CONTESSA
Where did this come from?

Tinkly noise.

GABBLES
Sweet mother of mercy! How does she keep doing that?

VICTOR
The jungle in South America ...I do not know where ... exactly ...

CONTESSA
I need more than that, I'm afraid ...

GABBLES
Wait! Don't shoot him!

CONTESSA
You have something to say?

GABBLES
Don't shoot! It ain't his fault! I brought the stuff back! From when I was in the jungle!

VICTOR
I was going to mount an expedition after the show had opened! Imagine! A movie set in an undiscovered jungle paradise!

CONTESSA
I see.

Thump.

VICTOR
Uhf!

GABBLES
Hey! You knocked him clean out cold!

CONTESSA
I no longer need him. You. Move.

GLENN
Where are we going?

CONTESSA
I have a little surprise for you ...

Segue

ACT ONE SCENE FOURTEEN

GLENN
Well. Here we are ...

BUDDY
Tied to a chair.

CRASH
Again.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
Your helplessness provides me with amusement.

CONTESSA
Comfortable?

CRASH
What happened to you, Contessa? I thought you'd turned away from the path of villainy?

GLENN
Once a back-stabbing hussy, always a back-stabbing hussy, I say ...

CONTESSA
I was weak once Crash, I will confess, blinded by my love for you. But after I renounced my evil ways and helped you, you simply left to rot in that jail!

CRASH
Hey! I wrote a letter to the Judge and everything1 I wrote it and gave it to Glenn to post ...

GLENN
Er ...

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

CRASH
Oh, Glenn ...

DIETRICH
We must go. Bring the idiot ...

GABBLES
Hey! Who you calling an idiot, you poker faced kraut!

DIETRICH
And leave the bomb.

Winding noise and ticking.

ZABLIGIONI
I'm a sorry, guys. I don't a want to do it. Why would I want to blow up such a magnifico bella donna, huh?

DIETRICH
Just do it!

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! Don't talk to me like a that! You're just a henchman!

DIETRICH
I am not the henchman!

ZABLIGIONI
I'm a the scientist, the General's a the muscle and the Contessa's the spy. You're a the henchman!

DIETRICH
I am your liason to Berlin!

ZABLIGIONI
You're a kidding no one! Special Delivery for a the henchman! Wait! It's a for you!

DIETRICH
Listen, if anyone's the henchman around here it's Franz!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
Cease your pointless Caucasion squabbling. Take the incoherent one and go.

ZABLIGIONI
That's a right. You go get a more a bellisimo Radium X from a the Lost Plateau of Kongala ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO, over KATANA
And we will remain and use the the Radium X we have already to create a bomb that will reduce Metropolitan City to rubble!

KATANA laughs uproariously.

YOKO
It is of amusement to me.

GLENN
You fiend! Fiends!

CONTESSA
I leave you now for the final time, Crash. I have given you a great gift - to die with the woman you love ...

CRASH
You had a good heart once, Contessa.

CONTESSA
And you broke it utterly. Goodbye Crash ...

Door slam. Music.

GLENN
Oh, Crash ...

CRASH
Oh, Glenn ...

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

CRASH
All right, we've been here before. There must be a way out of this ...

GLENN
I rung Daddy just before the Contessa captured me to tell him I'd founf out where the statues were coming from. But that's all the way up town ...

BUDDY
Lily's gone out to dinner with that Flint guy ...

CRASH
And Chief Gilhooley doesn't know anything's wrong!

GLENN
What does it say on the clock?

CRASH
Thirty seconds. I love you so much, Glenn!

GLENN
And I love you!

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

Segue to music.

NARRATOR
Is it curtains for Crash and Buddy? Will they be blown to smithereens by the villain's bomb? Find out after these messages in the second episode of Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau - The vengeance of The Leopard Queen!!

KID'S VOICE (JO)
Hey, Mr. Johnson!

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
Hey Daddy!

DADDY (MIKE)
Hey, Little Mikey! Hey son!

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
WhenI grow up I want to smoke a pipe, just like you.

DADDY
Well, maybe when grow up. But right now, you're too young!

IMPORTANT MEDICAL DOCTOR (IAN)
Conversations happen like this happen every day. Mr. Johnson wants to be a good father but little does he know ... the dangers of not smoking!

Sting!

VOICE (GAVIN)
Cough ... cough ... I started smoking at the age of eighteen and now ... cough ...cough ... I can barely breath!

WOMAN (GINA)
But does this mean that smoking is bad?

IMPORTANT MEDICAL DOCTOR (IAN)
Of course not! In moderation, smoking is relaxing and a social stimulant. The trick is acclimatisation!

DADDY (MIKE)
But what can I do? Since we know passive smoking to be a myth, how can I prepare my boy for years of smooth velvety pleasure?

IMPORTANT MEDICAL DOCTOR (IAN)
Try new Bubblacco! The sweet tar free nicotine gum! In Cuban Blueberry and Golden Leaf Strawberry!

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
Tastes great!

VOICE (GAVIN)
Cough ... cough ...don't grow up like me!

ALL
Bubblacco!

IMPORTANT MEDICAL DOCTOR (IAN)
Recommended by the Smokers Council of America!

Theremin music

Dr MENTOR (RUSSELL)
Influence your boss ... influence the girl of your dreams ... influence all those around you ...

VOICE (MIKE)
That mystic stuff's all a load of hooie! Hey, Veronica!

VOICE (FRAN)
Go boil an egg creep.

Dr. MENTOR (RUSSELL)
A few minutes a day practising from my Home Mentalism Course ... the secrets of the ages, passed down from Tibetan master to Tibetan master ...

VOICE (MIKE)
If I do my exercises ... I can harness the power of the Gurus!

Dr. MENTOR (RUSSELL)
The secrets of the druids! Stuff Pharoahs did! Yours to command!

VOICE (FRAN)
Why did I never notice him before? He has such a special aura ...

VOICE (MIKE)
Thanks, Dr. Mentor!

Dr. MENTOR (RUSSELL)
The lock is yours! My easy to follow ten week course simply provides the key! Doctor Mentor's Home Mentalism Course! Shape your life! Change yourself1 Be all you can be!

VOICE (KRISS)
Course not suitable for those under eighteen. May cause psychotic episodes.

Crash Music.

CRASH
Hey kids! Want to eat like a hero?

KID'S VOICE (KRIS)
Do we ever? Oh boy!

CRASH
Want to see my adventures rendered in chocolate crisped rice and marshmallow?

KID'S VOICE (FRAN)
Hey this one looks just like Buddy!

KID'S VOICE (IAN)
Hey, I got the Contessa!

KID'S VOICE (KRIS)
And I got ...

Gasps!

The Crash Morgan Secret Decoder Ring!

CRASH
You can help me in my unending struggle against evil!

KID'S VOICE (MIKE)
And who knew that fighting crime would taste great?

Laughter.

CRASH
Choccy Chunks! The nutritious chocolate and marchmallow based breakfast cereal!

ACT TWO SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau, Episode Two - The Vengeance of the Leopard Queen, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I. Winner of the 1939 "Mr Milwaukee" Strongman Contest and Landscape Gardener to the Stars, aided by his loyal sidekick Buddy Brannigan, has, at the behest of Police Chief Gilhooley gone undercover at the Metropolitan City Playhouse Royale to investigate the smuggling of archaeological artefacts. Visiting her father Professor Milton Fairweather on the Anniversary of the disappearance of both her mother and twin sister Kitty in a mysterious plane crash, Glenn Fairweather, ex-model turned Reporter for the London English Evening Post discovers the artefacts to be moulded from the deadly radioactive mineral Radium X! Meanwhile Lilly Lansdale, Ex-moll turned actress and estranged sweetheart to Buddy Brannigan while an evil triumvirate of villains - The Beguiling Contessa De D'Urbervilles, the Fearsome General Katana and the brilliant yet Italian scientist, Count Zabligioni, have succeeded in learning the source of Radium X and captured Crash, Glenn and Buddy and left them tied to a bomb ...

Music.

GLENN
Oh, Crash ...

CRASH
Oh, Glenn ...

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

CRASH
All right, we've been here before. There must be a way out of this ...

GLENN
I rung Daddy just before the Contessa captured me to tell him I'd found out where the statues were coming from. But that's all the way up town ...

BUDDY
Lily's gone out to dinner with that Flint guy ...

CRASH
And Chief Gilhooley doesn't know anything's wrong!

GLENN
What does it say on the clock?

CRASH
Thirty seconds. I love you so much, Glenn!

GLENN
And I love you!

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

Door.

FAIRWEATHER
Glenn!

GLENN
Daddy!

BUDDY
And he's wearing the rocket suit!

CRASH
Professor! The bomb! Use the helmet!

FAIRWEATHER
Of course! The rocket helemt is constructed of specially treated steel, in order to protect the user from the effects of both heat and impact, and of course, if I place the helmet over the explosive device it should easily contain the blast, although there may be-

CRASH, BUDDY & GLENN, together
Professor! Daddy!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh. Righty ho.

Scraping noise and muffled explosion.

Good Lord. That could have been very nasty.

GLENN
Oh, Daddy!

FAIRWEATHER
I thought your call urgent, and the good Doctor had had just finished fixing the rocket suit, so ...

CRASH
I didn't know you could fly the suit.

FAIRWEATHER
If you can fly a Camel, you can fly anything!

BUDDY, genuinly impressed
You can fly a camel?

FAIRWEATHER
I'll untie you.

GLENN
The Contessa has gone to South America after more Radium X. The General and the Count said they're going to build a bomb!

FAIRWEATHER
South America! Whewre my family was torn asunder all those years ago ...

CRASH
Katana and Zabligioni here building a bomb and the Contessa off to South America to get materials to build more ... Darn it! We can't be intwo places at once.

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. It's a bally poser and no mistake ...

BUDDY
Can you fly an other animals?

CRASH
Not now, Buddy!

GLENN
There's nothing for it. We're going to have to split up ...

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE TWO

WEINSTEIN
So, let me get this straight ... It's up to us to find the bomb and stop the homicidal bad guys while Hero Boy has a little vacation ...

GLENN
Well, in essence, although I think you're being just a tad unfair ...

BUDDY
Crash wouldn't have split us up unless he thought he had to! And he did take the Professor with him!

WEINSTEIN
Ja. There is that on the plus side, I suppose ...

GLENN
They must be stopped! You're the expert, Doctor. How much damge can Katana and Zabligioni do with the Radium X they already have?

WEINSTEIN
Lots of damage. Half the City.

GLENN
That's terrible.

WEINSTEIN
Obliterated in a white-hot maelstrom of flying glass and vapourised masonry.

GLENN
That's horrific!

WEINSTEIN
Perhaps a quarter of Metropolitan City's population will die in the blast and as many again from resulting injuries, collapse of infrastructure, disease ...

GLENN
That's monstrous!

WEINSTEIN
Ja, ja. It's a real drag.

GLENN
How could anyone build such a weapon?

WEINSTEIN
Well, what you do is mould the Radium X into a spherical core and then you have to collapse the nuclei -

GLENN
Doctor Weinstein!

WEINSTEIN
What? Oh wait. That was a rhetorical question ...

BUDDY
Aw Geez, Doc! Even I knew that!

GLENN
But you might be on to something!

WEINSTEIN
I might?

GLENN
Of course. Tell me, Doctor. How would you build such a device ..?

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE THREE

Crowd noise.

CRASH
So, here we are! South America!


FAIRWEATHER
Zuraguay! I've not been here for years .... The bustle of crowds, the hot rich air blowing in from the lush Jungles ...

CRASH
I'm not sure you should have come with me, Professor ...

FAIRWEATHER
Nonsense! Who else of our number has jungle experience?

CRASH
Let's see ... Me and Buddy in The Crystal Skull of Quezcoatl, Me and Glenn in the Kingdom of the Goldon Mantis, Me, Buddy and Glenn in the Jungle of the Tiger Men ... Most of us, actually, funnily enough ...

FAIRWEATHER
Well, perhaps, but I still have contacts down here. He should be meeting us at any time ... and if I can find some evidence of the fate of my wife and poor, poor Kitty ...

CRASH
Yes, poor, poor Kitty ...

FAIRWEATHER
Poor, poor Kitty ...

CRASH
Poor, poor Kitty

JUNGLE JACK
Hello! It is I!

FAIRWEATHER
And here he is!

JUNGLE JACK
Professor Fairweather! It has been too long. How long has it been?

FAIRWEATHER
It has been too long, my friend.

JUNGLE JACK
This is what I said!

JACK laughs.

CRASH
Er ...

FAIRWEATHER
This is Jackson Jeremiah, a professional guide and explorer.

JUNGLE JACK
Jungle Jack to my friends, and all my friends, all the people and all the animals! All except Histar, the small brown ringed snake. He is not to be trusted ...

Makes hissing noises.

FAIRWEATHER
Well, Jack, I'm afraid time is rather of the essence ...

JACK laughs.

JUNGLE JACK
Of course! I am so happy to see you! I amlike the lizard who has had an enormous lunch!

CRASH, sotto voice
Are you sure this is the best guy we can get?

FAIRWEATHER
Nonsense. He's as sound as a pound and as willing as a shilling!

JACK laughs.

CRASH, really, really, REALLY unsure
Right ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE FOUR

Murmur of voices.

VICTOR
You will be quiet! Genius requires pools of silence in which to flower!

BUDDY
Aw Geez. How's your head, Mr. Lucakz?

VICTOR
I will endure. If all it took was a sharp blow to the head from a stunning blonde then I would never have survived my first three marriages! I am Victor! You!

SELMA
Who? Me?

VICTOR
Yes! You! Who do you play?

SELMA
Florence, the tattoed lady and Maisie's best friend.

VICTOR
Are you chewing gum?

SELMA
Yeah?

VICTOR
Would you spit in a church? Would you open your legs and foul its sacred font?

SELMA
Er ... no?

VICTOR
Remove the gum. Now! Today we rehearse Maisie's first song of the second act. Maisie has fallen in love with Marko but cannot understand the distance between them. Maisie!

LILY
I'm here, Mr Lucakz.

VICTOR
Marko! Marko?

SELMA
Flint called to say he'd be late.

VICTOR
Bah! Understudy!

BUDDY
Mr. Lucakz?

VICTOR
Sing! You will make the angles weep!

BUDDY
Aw Geez ...

(Chorus in brackets)

LILY
All alone. (all alone) I see you all alone.
I feel you all alone (all alone)
And how I wish that I could hold you.

BUDDY
What I want (I want) is to tell you what I want
To tear away this front (this front)
That stands between we two.

LILY
because the wall that stand between the two of us
(Unreal)

BUDDY
They shouldn't stand between the two of us
(I feel)

LILY AND BUDDY
They shouldn't stand between the two of us
Any more!
So we can take each other by the hand (the hand)
So that together we can stand
Alone Alone Together! (Together)


LILY
Hold the phone (hold the phone) Everybody, hold the phone
And leave me all alone (hold the phone)
So I can join you, be alone with you.

BUDDY
I wish I could (I wish) I really wish I could
Pull away this hood (this hood)
That hides the face that longs to kiss you so!

LILY AND BUDDY
All the misunderstandings blown away
(Far away)
All that's in our hearts that we can say
(We can say)
And I can tell you every day
That I love you! (That I love you!)

LILY
But we can't (We can't We want to but we can't
No matter what we want (We want)
So I guess we'll be alone ...

BUDDY
I guess we'll be alone ...

ALL
Alone apart together ...

LILY
Oh, Buddy ...

SELMA
That's so beautiful ...

VICTOR
That's ... okay ...

Door

FLINT
Sorry I'm late! What did I miss?Give me just a minute and I'm all yours ...

VICTOR
You have one minute! One!

LILY
Buddy?

BUDDY
Nothing ... nothing at all ... just glad to ... fill in ...

FLINT
I'll just get rid of my coat ... Back in just a moment ...


LILY
So ... Any news on the bomb ..?

BUDDY
Geez, no, but Glenn and the Doc have a plan ...

Rustling noise.

See this?

LILY
Today's Metropolitan Gazette?

BUDDY
Look on the front page ... Glenn called in a couple of favours ...

FLINT
Okay, I'm here. What have I missed?

LILY
I'll look at it later

VICTOR claps

VICTOR
Your attention! Maisie! Marko - the real Marko this time! We go again!

LILY
All alone ...

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE FIVE

Jungle noise

FAIRWEATHER, grunting, as if stretching
Well, that was a bracing ...

CRASH
I thought you said the climb was easy if you knew the hidden path?

JUNGLE JACK
It is. Sadly, I do not know it. I am like the Hawk who has lost his compass.

CRASH
Well, that's just great. We should have hired a plane and paraachuted in. I'll bet that's what the Contessa did, and now she has a five day lead on us!

FAIRWEATHER
Can't be helped, old chap ... Wait!

CRASH
What is it?


FAIRWEATHER
In the trees! I could have thought I saw ... No, my tired old eyes must be playing tricks on me ...

JUNGLE JACK
Ha! It is Sheera! Sheera! The Leopard Queen! The girl who runs and hunts with the mighty jungle cats!

CRASH
Hello? Hello?

JUNGLE JACK
She will not answer. She is like the Buffalo who does not socialise at parties.

FAIRWEATHER
She looked ... familiar, somehow. I saw only a fleeting glance ...

CRASH
Where do we go now?

FAIRWEATHER
There are ruins to the North. I'd hazard a guess that that's our best bet.

CRASH
All right then. It's getting dark. We'd best make camp ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE SIX

ZABLIGIONI
What I want a to know is, why can't a we ever hide out somewhere nice? There must a be somewhere - maybe a disused hotel or something. Instead it's always a warehouses and a disused factories. All right, I never had to hung around in a deserted zoo before, but still ... a guy likes a the better things, you know/ Towels. Hot water. What a am I gonna do with fifteen cases of animal tranquilisers and a reptile house ..?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Comfort is irrelevant. It has been over a week! Is the bomb completed?

ZABLIGIONI
Well, it's a done ... mostly ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Mostly? Please explain further.

ZABLIGIONI
Well, it's a not so easy to turn this Radium X into a bomb ... You got to implode it simultaneously from all angles ... its a not so easy ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO
Ha! My doubts in your competence are entirely justified!

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! That hurts! I'm a sensitive man! It's a my blessing and-

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
If you complete that annoying phrase I will wear your liver as a hat.

ZABLIGIONI
Well, it's a true. Hey! I got a plan B! Look a in the crate!

Creak and snarl.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
It is monstrous! A mouse the size of a large dog or very small pony!

ZABLIGIONI
Plan B! Lotsa giant mice, all over the place! Is a cool, huh? I injected it a with teeny tiny Radium X

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Why would you do such a thing?

ZABLIGIONI
I'm a scientist! I was bored! It's a what we do!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Your sanity is questionable.

ZABLIGIONI
We need a Quartz Timing Initiator and they don't a grow on trees ... Hey, it's a Franz!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

ZABLIGIONI
Is a the Metropolitan Gazette1 Letsa see ... Mama Mia!

YOKO, reading
" In two days Doctor Johan Weinstein, the world-famous scientist also attached to the Metropolitan City Police in an advisory capacity, will hand over a working Quartz Timing Initiator to the Metropolitan City Science Museum. The Initiator will remain with Doctor Weinstein at Metropolitan City Headquarters until its handover to the Metro City Vault on Friday."

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You are a strange, strange man.

FRANZ
Ja Vohl.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
The device is beingheld at Police Headquarters and will be guarded. How are we to acquire said device?

ZABLIGIONI
Hey, leave it to me! We got some spare Radium X and I got a plan C ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE SEVEN

Rustling noise.

CRASH, waking up
Uh ... Who's that? Glenn? What are you doing here?

KITTY
Sheera want to talk to a man.

CRASH
Sheera? You look just like ... Goldarn! Glenn's siter Kitty!

KITTY
Sheera want talk.

CRASH
Yeah. I'll bet.

KITTY
Man handsome. Sheera want man.

CRASH
Wow. You sure don't beat around the bush ...

KITTY
Sheera want man. Man rugged and strong yet has gentle eyes and adorable kiss curl. We make cubs.

CRASH
I'm a make cubs on the third date kind of guy.

Silence

That was a joke.

KITTY
We go! Danger! Danger from the Hokikoki!

CRASH
What? The what?

KITTY
All around! Hokikoki!

CRASH
Okay, whatever ... Look, I'm here with your father.

KITTY
Father? Daddy..?

CRASH
That's right! Your Daddy! Ans I'm Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, Landscape Gardener to the Stars and author of the Self-Help bestseller "Deathtraps and How to Survive Them". You can call me Crash ...

KITTY
No! Crash bad! Sheera remembers crash! Screaming metal and the scraping rain of leaves and branches against the flaming fuselage as it ripped a raw furrow into the virgin jungle! No! No!

CRASH
No, it's just my name! It's all right. Ssh! Ssh!

KITTY, hopeful
We make cubs now?

FAIRWEATHER
Crash, I heard voices from your tent ... Good heavens ...

CRASH
No! Too late ... gone ...

FAIRWEATHER
She looked like Glenn! Is that? Could it be?

CRASH
Yes. Living alone in the jungle all these years ...

FAIRWEATHER
Poor Kitty.

CRASH
Poor, poor Kitty.

FAIRWEATHER
Poor, poor Kitty.


JUNGLE JACK
Hey, guys!

CRASH
Do you mind! I'm half-naked in my tent here!

JUNGLE JACK
Sorry. It's just we're like the anteater who has no ants. I think we have a problem.

CRASH
You do?

Drums start in the distance.

Oh. Right.

JUNGLE JACK
The War drums of the Hokikoki!

CRASH
It's never easy, is it? I suppose that it's too much to hope that the Hokikoki are peace loving vegetarians?

JUNGLE JACK
They are the most vicious of cannibal pygmies!

FAIRWEATHER
Do you know, I think we should all try and get some sleep. Then we can set out fresh in the morning to find my daughter and stop the Contessa. Goodnight, Gentlemen.

CRASH
Good night Professor.

JUNGLE JACK
You're both crazy!

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE EIGHT

Light classical music.

FLINT
Well. This is nice.

LILY
This is real, real nice.

GASTON
Bonsoir Monsieur, Mademoiselle.

LILY
It was just saying that this place was real nice.

GASTON
Were you really? How thrilling! Perhaps I have interrupted a trenchant bon mot about the state of the weather! I would not at all be surprised!

LILY
Real, real nice.

GASTON
This is the most exclusive restaurant in all Metropolitan City! It is exquisite!

FLINT
Well, that's why we're here.

GASTON
Yes. I suggested that the reservations be accompanied by some small exam - nothing too strenuous and perhaps references. But in all this I was over-ruled.

FLINT
I don't like your tone, Mister.

GASTON
Then take your date to some other establishment! Go feast upon bacon rinds and beans! Go to your world and leave me to mine! Entree!

LILY
What?

GASTON
Entree! Your starter! What is your starter? Rapide! Ttt!

FLINT
I'll have the, er ...

LILY
It all looks so very ... foreign ...

GASTON
You sicken me both, to my stomach. Well ! I will spare us all the embarrassment of your failure to understand the menu and the further embarrassment of your botched attempts to pronounce the food which you will no doubt douse with ketchup prior to shovelling it into your enormous fat American faces! I will order for you and expect to be tipped handsomely for my discerning choice!

FLINT
Can we order drinks?

GASTON
No, you may not. Thank me!

FLINT
Thank you?

GASTON
D'accord!

LILY
Yeah. Real nice place ...


FLINT
Do you know what Victor said about me today?

LILY
What was that?

FLINT
He said "Yesterday I could barely bring myself to look upon you dance. Today, with some effort, it is possible."

LILY
Wow! You must be doing great! Today he said that my singing was like the scraping of a rusty key across a broken violin.

FLINT
He is a genius, isn't he?

LILY
Yeah. A real motivator. Flint, what are you doing?

FLINT
I'm holding your hand. What do you think I'm doing?

LILY
Yeah, but -

FLINT
I've held it all day and kissed you time and time again!

LILY
That was Marko and Maisie. It ain't the same Flint!

FLINT
It is for me. I look at you sometimes and it's like my heart's too big for my chets and I can barely breathe.

LILY
They got pills for that.

FLINT
No, what I mean is ... I love you Lily.

LILY
I don't love you.

FLINT
You could!

LILY
No. Not while my heart beongs to Buddy.

FLINT
Oh. Him.

LILY
Yes, him. Now get back, Flint! This is a public place! Anyone walking by could see you!

Segue to street noise.

BUDDY
Oh Lily. I guess ... (sniffs) I guess I hope you're real happy ...

Segue back into restaurant, tapping against glass.

GASTON
Away from the window! Beg elsewhere! Our scraps are too good for the likes of you!

Slap noise.

FLINT
Ow!

LILY
You don't kiss a girl unless she wants to be kissed! Or it's a rehearsal! Or maybe she wants that really nice fur coat in the window at Dixies! But those days are behind me! Hey, Frenchie!

GASTON
Mademoiselle!

LILY
Get my coat! Lover boy here is eating alone!

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE NINE

Jungle noises.

CRASH
It's so goldarned hot!

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. Perhaps we should rest. It's nearly noon and we've been moving since the sun came up ...

JUNGLE JACK
You are both crazy. You are like two crazy loony birds. The two of you! Like the hippo who waterskis!

CRASH
Look at these!

FAIRWEATHER
What have you found?

CRASH
It's rusty but ... it looks like a piece of airplane fuselage ...

JUNGLE JACK
Over here!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh my Lord!

CRASH
Is this the plane?

FAIRWEATHER
It must be. And this grave ... the cairn of tiny stones, all that a child could lift ... the crosspiece, crudely lettered ... "the bestest Mummy in all the world" ... Oh Antonia ... Oh Kitty ... I should never have believed the reports of both their deaths! I could have searched for them! Who knows what unendurable horrors I may have spared my darling Kitty had I got ... Had I ...

CRASH
Professor? Are you okay?

FAIRWEATHER
A little something in my eye, that's all. I ... I must be tired ...

CRASH
Did you sleep at all last night?

FAIRWEATHER
I tried, but ... will those cursed drums never stop?

They stop.

I don't like it. It's too quiet.

Rustling.

JUNGLE JACK
I'm off!

CRASH
Come back!

FAIRWEATHER
Well, you can hardly blame him.

CRASH
No. I suppose not.

Rustling.

YIPI
Ugi!

YAPI
Ugi! Gukikki!

YOPI
Ho chair Hokikoki!

CRASH
Wow. These guys are really little ...

FAIRWEATHER
They're not following Jack. I suppose we're catch enough

YAPI
Chai! Chai!

FAIRWEATHER
I don't like the look of these spears. Ow!

YIPI
Ho chai!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh dear ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE TEN

A clock ticks.

GLENN
Snap!

WEINSTEIN
Oy!

GLENN
Another game?

WEINSTEIN
You don't play chess?

GLENN, chiding
Doctor ... Chess promotes wrinkles on the forehead and I can hardly risk that, can I?

WEINSTEIN
I'll bet. Well. As plans go, this was a wash out ...

GLENN
Give it time, Doctor.

WEINSTEIN
They're not going to break inbto Police Headquarters?

GLENN
Honestly. Had I given them an easier address they'd have suspected!

Distant thump.

Did you hear that?

Gunshots.

WEINSTEIN
What? The boom, boom or the bang, bang, bang?

Door.

GILHOOLEY
Runaway, Lass, Doctor! Run away! 'Tis coming!

GLENN
Chief Gilhooley!

GIHOOLEY
Bullets bounce off it! So they do! Fall back!

Huge grinding noise. Gunshots.

Sweet mother of mercy! Get back! It's coming through the wall!

Crashing of rubble.

GLENN
It's some sort of giant mechanical man!

WEINSTEIN, admiringly
That's a nice piece of work ...

Porthole noise.

ZABLIGIONI
Say hello to plan C. Shame I just got enough Radium X for a the one ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Zabligioni! You are a less foolish than you appear.

WEINSTEIN
Get back, Miss Fairweather ...

GILHOOLEY
You're all under arrest, so are you!

Blade noise.

That ... hurt ...

GLENN
Chief!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Ha! Your ancestors wear shoes indoors!

ZABLIGIONI
The Initiator! Pronto! We havn't a got all day! The robot's a law on juice here!

WEINSTEIN
Well, the thing ... wait until you hear this ... you'll laugh ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Quickly!

WEINSTEIN
There isn't one.

GLENN
Do you think we'd be foolish enough to risk finishing your obscene bomb for you?

WEINSTEIN
I could have built one, but I didn't see the point, and ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You know the price of your perfidy!

WEINSTEIN
Can you pay in installments?

ZABLIGIONI
Get a the girl!

KATANA
Japanese sound giberish.

YOKO
What?

ZABLIGIONI
You get a the girl, Weinstein makes a the Initiator. Pronto! Pronto!

FRANZ
Ja vohl!

GLENN
Let go of me! Let go!

ZABLIGIONI
We'll be in touch.

Porthole clang, then metal footsteps off. GILHOOLET moans.

WEINSTEIN
Chief Gilhooley! You're still alive!

GILHOOLEY
It takes more than an outsized potato peeler to stop the Mother's son, so it does!

WEINSTEIN
Lie still.

GILHOOLEY
I heard everything. Bejesus! The fate of the city or the life of an innocent girl! What a revolting dilemma and no mistake! What are you going to do?

WEINSTEIN
I'll tell you the truth, Chief. Right now I really have no diea ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE ELEVEN

YOPI
Kakachai!

YIPI
Ho chai!

FAIRWEATHER
What a fascinatingly tiny village ...

CRASH
Great. Neither of us speak Munchkin ...

FAIRWEATHER
I am, as you are aware, a traveller of no small experience.

Clears throat. Shouts.

Hello! Lovely day, what! Lovely day! My word, yes!

FUNSI
Silence! I am Funsi! Marvel at my command of English, taught to our tribe so many years ago by a Missionary!

CRASH
That's handy.

FUNSI
Sadly, his doctine of peace, love and not eating people didn't go down too well ...

FAIRWEATHER
Unlike the good reverend, one supposes.

FUNSI
Silence! I'm chief and I do the jokes round here! So ... hahahaha! Be thankful you were not captured by the Upchuk tribe who live in the ruined temple to the north and worship Kongala! They are an uncivilised people who would enslave you to dig the soft metal from their mine before feeding you to their monstrous god!

CRASH
And what exactly are you going to do with us?

FUNSI
You will be humanly clubbed to death, then prepared using the Hokikoki traditional recipe!

FAIRWEATHER
The traditional recipe?

FUNSI
Yes! You take a huge pot of boiling water, then! You put the eft foot in -

Roaring noise.

What? What is the noise?

Snarling.

YAPI
Chair! Chai! Hoki kikihochai!

FUNSI
Okay. When you say "the village is full of leopards" ...

YAPI screams.

Run away! Run!

Screaming from YIPI and YAPI, trailing off.

KITTY
Crash!

CRASH
Kitty!

FAIRWEATHER
Kitty! Poor, poor Kitty...

KITTY
Daddy!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh, my baby girl! I'm so glad you're alive ...

CRASH
Er ... these cats aren't going to hurt us, are they?

KITTY
Leopards Sheera's friends. Leopards raise Sheera.

FAIRWEATHER
Oh, my darling. Your name is Kitty. Remember? Kitty?

KITTY
Leopards raise ... Kitty?

FAIRWEATHER
My baby girl!

CRASH
Maybe we should get out of here.It won't take the Hokikoki long to come back with reinforcements ...

KITTY
This way! This way!

CRASH
No. That way!

KITTY
No. That way!

KITTY
Not that way!

CRASH
Yes, Kitty. We have to go that way. Towards the Temple of Kongala.

KITTY
Towards Kongala is death! Kongala is doom!

FAIRWEATHER
Kongala is a myth, surely!

KITTY
No! Have seen Kongala! Kongala mighty, as tall as two tall trees! Kongala Mighty Ape God! Upchuki catch, sacrifice all to Great Kongala! Temple is Temple of death!

CRASH
We have no choice. Onwards ... onwards towards the Temple of Death ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE TWELVE

VICTOR
No! No! No! Are youn a fool? Did your mother drop you upon your empty, cloddish head?

BUDDY
Well ... yeah.

VICTOR
Its of no matter!

BUDDY
Heck! I'm only the understudy ...

VICTOR
Only?? Only?? When the standard bearer drops, spent and bleeding, it is your privilege to pick his fallen flag and bear it proudly! Only! It is "only" a sacred responsibility! It is "only" life itself!

SELMA
Where is Flint anyway?

LILY
Who knows?

BUDDY
I'm sorry, Mr. Lucakz. I'll get it right, I promise ...

VICTOR
And you must lose the cap! If I wanted bucloic Americana upon my hallowed stage I would invest in a Norman Rockwell and pelt it with eggs! The cap! Give it to me now! I take it!

BUDDY, shrieking
NOBODY TOUCHES THE CAP!

SELMA
Yowsa!

VICTOR
I am Victor! Very well ... perhaps you may keep the cap ...

Door.

FLINT
Sorry I'm late Mr. Lucakz. It won't happen again.

VICTOR
It most certainly will not! Should it I promise you that the only further role you will see in this town is as understudy to the hot dog lady! And get yourself a cap! It is essential for the role of Marko! I have decided! Two minutes! Two!

LILY
Geez Louise Flint! You're late!

BUDDY, sulky
I'm surprised you're both not late.

LILY
What does that mean?

BUDDY
Nothin'

LILY
Listen, Buddy. I been thinking ... after rehearsal. You want to catch a movie, get a soda and a chilli dog? On me?

BUDDY
I'm busy. 'Scuse me, I got to go.

SELMA
What's eating him?

LILY
I don't know

FLINT
Hi Selma. Hi Lily.

SELMA, flirty
Hiya, Flint

LILY, icy
Yeah. Hi. So, what kept you?

FLINT
I ... maybe had a little too much to drink after you left last night. That darn French Champagne ... it's like you don't know you're drinking it ...

LILY
I guess not.

SELMA, heavily hinting
I like French Champagne ...

FLINT
Yeah, who doesn't Look, Lily, I'd like to make it up to you ...

LILY
Yeah? And I'd like to be left alone? Capiche? And that's French for "Don't get fresh!"

FLINT
Yeah, I ... I better go.

SELMA
I think you hurt his feelings ...

LILY
Yeah? Well, I don't care. All I care about's Buddy ...

SELMA
Yeah. I hate to tell you Sweetie, but it don't look like he cares about you more.

LILY
Oh, Buddy ...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE THIRTEEN

CONTESSA
Hauptman Dietrich!

DIETRICH
Contessa. I have found something interesting ...

CONTESSA
There is nothing of interest in this place. Just the endless sun beating down upon the poor slaves ... I pity them, I think. Who knew I had such fine feeling left in me?

DIETRICH
Pah! They are mongrels, fit only to serve the Reich with their crude labour. On their backs we will build an Aryan Empire which will last a thousand years!

GABBLES
Hah! You're full of hooie! You ain't never going to be emperors of nothing!

DIETRICH
If I were you, little man, I would not remind me that I wrere alive ...

CONTESSA
He may still prove useful, Dietrich. What is it? What do you want with me?

DIETRICH
You cannot languish in your tent every minute of every day!

CONTESSA
I have murdered the only man I ever truly loved. I cannot bring myself now to summon enthusiasm for much of anything.

DIETRICH
Well, then you may find this ... invigorating.

Claps and call.

Bring him!

JUNGLE JACK
Don't hurt me! Don't! I am like the small monkey that has soiled his underpants!

DIETRICH
Silence!

JUNGLE JACK
Ow!

CONTESSA
Dietrich! Ssh. I will not allow him to hurt you. What is your name?

JUNGLE JACK
Jackton. Jackton Jeremiah ...

DIETRICH
My men caught him running through the jungle.

JUNGLE JACK
The Hokikoki! They surrounded us! Me and the Professor and Crash Morgan! Ow!

CONTESSA, urgent
Crash Morgan? You said Crash Morgan?

JUNGLE JACK
You're ... hurting ... me ...

CONTESSA
Crash is alive?

DIETRICH
Crash was alive. Both he and Fairweather are now leftovers for the Hokikoki.

The CONTESSA starts to laugh.

CONTESSA
Take him to work in the mines.

JUNGLE JACK
No! No! Noooooo!

DIETRICH
You seem strangely amused. I had thought it might cheer you to at least know that Morgan did not finally die by your hand, after all. I had not expected ... this.

CONTESSA
Crash will come.

DIETRICH
Morgan's death is certain.

CONTESSA
Crash's death is alway certain and yet he always returns. It is quite his defining characteristic. That, and his enormous-

DIETRICH
If he comes, if he has survived the Hokikoki, Morgan will die. By my hand. Mein Gott, I do not understand. You want him dead, you are pleased he is alive ... Women!

The CONTESSA starts to laugh again. Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE FOURTEEN

KITTY
This way! This way!

FAIRWEATHER
I can't believe it! I can't believe I'm reunited with my baby girl! I can't believe she was raised by the most lethal of jungle cats!

CRASH
I can't believe I watched her lick her own-

FAIRWEATHER
Ssh! I see it! The mine!

CRASH
It looks busy. Goldarn it!

KITTY
Sheera's family strike!

FAIRWEATHER
Those men have guns, my darling. You little pussycats wouldn't stand a chance.

CRASH
They must have explosives. Dynamite! If we blow the mine then maybe we can seal the mine forever ...

FAIRWEATHER
It sounds very much like a plan. I believe some manner of distraction is in order ...

CRASH
I have an idea...

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE FOURTEEN

Cell door.

GLENN
You! How long do you intend to keep me here, you barbarian! This is a cage for animals!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You. Leave us...

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
So ... at last, we are alone.

GLENN
What do you intend to do with me, you fiend?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
I? Nothing? Provided that Dr. Weinstein complies with my not unreasonable demands.

GLENN
I'd rather die than see him help you!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
My dear, you have mistaken me. I am not the monster you suppose me to be. I appreciate beauty when I see it and would no more harm you now than pluck a rose, only to watch it wither in my hand.

GLENN
Did no-one ever tell you that a rose has thorns?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish, (just one very short utterance).

YOKO
But of course. But they serve only to make its beauty all the more ... exquisite. Would it surprise you to learn that I find you ... attractive? You are in my power and I could force a kiss from you as easily as I could have you killed ... but I choose not to.

GLENN
So ... what's stopping you?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
I am a man of power ... and of some refinement. I would not seize that which would be more precious given freely ... your love.

GLENN
I'll never love you ... and besides, my heart belongs to Crash.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Crash Morgan is no more and then ... you will learn to love me, in time.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Eater of hot fish! Do not interrupt!

ZABLIGIONI
Hands off the merchandise! Scoot! Scoot! I got some questions for the lady!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Very well! Proceed with your interrogation and we will return.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! I bet you're a glad to see the back of him, huh?

GLENN
He is rather uncouth.

ZABLIGIONI
Right, right ... So! At last we are lone ....

GLENN sighs. Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE SIXTEEN


DIETRICH
On your knees!

CONTESSA
Crash!

GABBLES
Lefty? You shaved off your moustache!

DIETRICH
We found him by the wood store. He attacked my men ...

CRASH
You Ratzi filth. Who knew you had so many men ...

DIETRICH
Silence!

CRASH
Ugh! I don't get it, Contessa? How come the natives are worshipping you?

CONTESSA
Nobody normally makes it past the Hokikoki and when we parachuted in the Upchukis took us for Gods, particularly after we'd put a few bullets in them.

DIETRICH
They are savages, fit only to serve the master race.

CONTESSA
Also, they had never seen a blonde woman before - they took me to be a Sun Goddess, fallen from the sky. I'm quite used to being worshipped, although not quite on this scale ... So, Crash. I should have known you'd be back for more ...

DIETRICH
I'd rather kiss Gabbles over there!

GABBLES
Hey! That's sweet of you but I aint into that stuff!

CONTESSA
You loved me once.

CRASH
I never loved you. I'm sorry I hurt you, but if we all went around becoming murdering supervillains just because we can't have who we want, then where would we be?

CONTESSA
It is too late to change. I tried to change. For you.

CRASH
You slipped and fell, Contessa. But you can climb back up again.

CONTESSA
No. there is no-one and nowhere for me in this world.


CRASH
There is! A little land called ... America!

Patriotic music

Because there's a place where the only welcome is a friendly welcome and you can have whatever you want so long as what you want most is to be free! Because the past is a slate that can be wiped clean if you can just look to tomorrow and say, "Tomorrow I'm going to do better! Tomorrow I'm going to fix what I broke! Tomorrow I'm going to give back what I took! Tomorow I'm going to start this diet! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Don't you see, Contessa? Tomorrow's a better place, tomorrow's a land of peace and plenty called America! Come with me tomorrow!

CONTESSA
Well. There's only one answer to that ...

CRASH
I don't understand.

CONTESSA
Of course you do not, Crash. It's practically your raison d'etre. Maybe tomorrow. But tonight is a full moon and in a few short hours you will be tied to the pillar at the top of a ziggurat and we will see if your charms work as well on a sixty foot high Ape God.

CRASH
Darn it! You say you love me and all you do is try to destroy me!

GABBLES
That's women for you.

CONTESSA
Take him away!

Segue.

ACT TWO SCENE SEVENTEEN

FAIRWEATHER
Excellent ... I have it now! Pass me the detonator cap!

KITTY, mouth full
What detonator cap?

FAIRWEATHER
No, don't eat that! That's extremely dangerous. You were always the naughty one ...

KITTY
Kitty was naughty one?

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. Don't you remember? Glenn was always with her nose in a book or reading her Mother's fashion magazines while you were always kicking a ball or climbing a tree or playing rough house. Do you remember that time you gave Old Man Cuthbertaon's boy a fat lip? And you blacked his eye as well, I recall.


KITTY
He called me a fat pooh.

FAIRWEATHER
You certainly showed him!

KITTY
Showed him good.

FAIRWEATHER
You certainly did! You know, sneaking in here was very easy.Even with it getting dark, I'm surprised it's as easy as it's been ...

KITTY
Men not here. Men go there.

FAIRWEATHER
You're right. All the natives appear to be gathering around the base of the ruined temple ...
I'll set this timer for, say, fifteen minutes, and we'd best go investigate ...

ACT TWO SCENE EIGHTEEN

Native chanting

ALL
Kongala! Kongala! Kongala!

CONTESSA
Welcome all! It is the full moon and traditionally you choose the village's youngest virgin as sacrifice to your Great God! Today, I, your Goddess of the Sun have selected the next sacrifice to mighty Kongala! Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, author of the Self-Help bestseller, "Deathtraps and How To Survive Them", and hors d'oeuvre to a Jungle Deity!

ALL
Kongala! Kongala! Kongala!

CRASH
Can't ... break ... free ...

CONTESSA
Summon the God!

Drums beat.

FAIRWEATHER
At the top of the Ziggurat! It's Crash!

KITTY
Bad lady has Crash! Kitty do something!

FAIRWEATHER
I can't see what. We have to think ...

Footsteps.


CONTESSA
See! Kongala comes!

Music swells. Roar.

CRASH
Oh my sweet lord!

GABBLES
Holysweetmotherofmercy!

DIETRICH
Mein Gott!

Roar.

CRASH
Can't ... break ... free ...

FAIRWEATHER
It's enormous! Look at that jaw! Kongala can swallow him whole!

KITTY
Crash!

CONTESSA
Goodbye Crash. It's not too late. Just say you love me ...

FAIRWEATHER
Look! The ape has Crash in its mighty paw!

KITTY
Crash! No!

FAIRWEATHER
It's going to ... going to ...

Segue to music.

NARRATOR
Is it curtains for Crash? Is he destined to die a simian snack? Find out after these mesages in the third episode of Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau - In the Clutches of Kongala!!


INTERVAL


ACT ONE SCENE THREE

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Peril of the Lost Plateau, Episode Three - In the Clutches of Kongala, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, author of the Self-Help bestseller, "Deathtraps and How to Survive Them" and hors d'ouevre to a Jungle Deity has ventured into the South American Jungle with his friend Professor Milton Fairweather in search of the source of the explosive mineral Radiujm X and to uncover the mystery of the long ago disappearance of Fairweather's wife and daughter, twin sister to ex-model turned reporter for the London English Evening Post, Glenn Fairweather, who has remained in Metropolitan City with Buddy Brannigan and Doctor Johan Weinstein in order to prevent the nefarious County Zabligioni and the bestial General Katana from building a Radium X bomb that would devastate the city! While Buddy remains undercover at the Playhouse Royale estranged from the ex-moll turned actress Lily Lansdale, Glenn and Weinstein's plan to capture the evil villains has backfired and she has been kidnapped! Meanwhile Crash has allowed himself to be taken prisoner to allow Fairweather and his newly found daughter Kitty, known to all the denizens of the jungle as Sheera the Leopard Queen, to blow up the Radium X mine, but the spurned and vengeful villainess the Contessa De D'Urbervilles has tied Crash to a pillar in the ruined temple of the Upchuki Tribe there to sacrifice him to the sixty foot high Ape that is the Jungle God Kongala!

Music.

FAIRWEATHER
Look! The ape has Crash in its mighty paw!

CRASH
Can't ... break ... free ...

FAIRWEATHER
Look at that jaw! Kongala can swallow him whole!

KITTY
Crash! No!

FAIRWEATHER
It's going to ... going to ...

Slurpy kiss.

Kiss him?

CRASH
Oh, that is revolting.

KONGALA coos at Crash.

FAIRWEATHER
Do you know ... I do believe that Kongala is a female Gorilla?

KITTY
You leave him alone! He's mine!

CRASH
Can you put me down, please?

KONGALA growls.

FAIRWEATHER
I don't believe it! It ... she's doing it!

NATIVES
Kongala! Kongala! Kongala!

CRASH
Please! No bowing!

Growl.

Good girl! It looks like the tables have turned, Contessa

FAIRWEATHER
Crash!

CRASH
Professor! Kitty!

DIETRICH
Curses! You will not escape death! I will kill you myself!

Roar.

Nooooo!

Gunfire, then a gulp.

ALL
Kongala! Kongala! Kongala!

CONTESSA
Oh! C'est horrible!

CRASH
You would have done it to me, Contessa.

FAIRWEATHER
You know, ordinarily, Gorillas are vegetarians.

KONGALA coos.

GABBLES
That big monkey's real keen on you, Lefty! Well, I guess that's the end of that, huh!

Explosion.

KITTY
Mine go boom.

FAIRWEATHER
Yes. Well, quite.

CRASH
But we've got to get back! Who knows what danger they've been in while we were away?

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE TWO

GLENN
You fiend! Doctor Weinstein will never agree to help you.

ZABLIGIONI
That's a where you're wrong, lady. Hey! Did anyone ever tell you that you're a real beautiful? That's your eyes are a like two pools of cool mysterious blue? A man could a drown in a those eyes, I'm telling you.

GLENN
So you are. Constantly.

ZABLIGIONI
Your Doctor has a built a the device we need a to finish the bomb. Maybe he loves you too, eh? He better not be, you know (makes kissy noises). I'm a jealous guy, you know!

GLENN
I'm more likely to be with him than I am with the likes of you! He may be a badly dressed and irascible old curmudgeon, but at least his heart is strong and brave and true!

ZANLIGIONI
Hey! I got a real cute heart! I got testimonials!

GLENN
Oh, please ...

ZABLIGIONI
Are you sure you don't want a glass of wine? Is a beautiful night!

GLENN
Do you never give up?

ZABLIGIONI
Is a my blessing and my curse.

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE THREE

SELMA
Hey!

BUDDY
Oh, hiya. Hey.

SELMA
You eating that or just pushing it around the plate.

BUDDY
Just pushing it around, I guess. Dames!

SELMA
Hey! I'm a dame!

BUDDY
Yeah. You're swell. Sorry.

Sighs.

What's a guy gotta do, huh?

SELMA
Oh, you are such a dope, Buddy Brannigan!

BUDDY
What?

SELMA
She loves you, you clown!

BUDDY
Flint kissed her! I saw it! And he's all big and muscley and stuff! And I'm just a fat little guy in a stupid baseball cap ...

SELMA
The cap comes off, you know-

BUDDY
NOBODY TOUCHES THE CAP!

SELMA
Okay, okay! Not all girls go for square jaws and six packs you know. And how did you know they kissed?

BUDDY
I might have been, er, passing the restaurant, on the way to the, er, the ... look, that ain't important! I saw them kiss!

SELMA
Yeah, and I heard her the next day, all "The big fresh lug!" this and "How dare he?" that! Geez Louise!

BUDDY
Yeah!

SELMA
Yeah!

VICTOR
What is this? Do I pay you to sit around the canteen? No!

SELMA
Give us a break, Mr. Lucakz! We're bleeding out there for you!

VICTOR
It is a beginning! You are moping, little one.

SELMA
He's blue. He's in love.

VICTOR
Ah. Love. Cruel, merciless, pitiless love ...

BUDDY
I ... look, it ain't a problem. It's over. I made a decision.

VICTOR
Ah! You have made a decision! But! Your heart will not listen!

SELMA
You are such a putz, Buddy!

VICTOR
Come! We rehearse! Lose yourself in art!

BUDDY
I guess. What we doing this afternoon?

VICTOR
The "I Will De Alone In Tears" routine!

BUDDY
Aw Geez!

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE FOUR

Phone rings.

WEINSTEIN
Hello? Weinstein speaking.

ZABLIGIONI
Hey! Is a Zabligioni!

WEINSTEIN, hissing
Gilhooley!

GILHOOLEY
What! What can I be doing for you, Doctor?

WEINSTEIN, urgent whisper
It's ze bad guys!

GILHOOLEY
And which bad guys? To be sure, I know a lot of bad guys, being a policeman and all. It's enough to test your faith in human nature, so it is!

WEINSTEIN, urgent whisper
Trace the call!

GILLHOOLEY
What? The what the what?

WEINSTEIN, urgent whisper
Trace! The! Call!

GILHOOLEY
And how would I go about doing that, then?

WEINSTEIN
(Muttering) For the sake of pity, I am surrounded by dumbkopfs and numbskulls ... (Normal again, mock cheerful) Count Zabligioni! What can I be doing for you!

ZABLIGIONI
You know what I want!

WEINSTEIN
Charm school and a lifetime supply of mints?

ZABLIGIONI
That's a funny. You're a funny guy. Maybe I have General Katana cut off buts of Glenn Fairweather and send them to you, huh?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Give me the phone, you inadequate and foolish individual.

WEINSTEIN
General Katana.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You have completed the Quartz Timing Initiator?

WEINSTEIN
Against all reason and better judgment ... yes, I have. How do I know Miss Fairweather's all right?

GLENN
Don't do it, Doctor!

WEINSTEIN
Don't tempt me ...

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
We will make our exchange in a public place. Listen to me ...

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE FIVE

AIR ANNOUNCER
The 2.15 flight from Zuraguay is arriving at Terminal 4. I repeat, the 2.15 flight from Zuraguay is arriving at Terminal 4. Thank you for flying Transmetropolitan Airways!

Ding dong! Crowds.

CRASH
I called ahead. Weinstein said he'd meet us with Chief Gilhooley. I can't believe we're home!

FAIRWEATHER
I can't believe my family will be reunited at last!

GABBLES
I can't believe my family will be reunited at last!

GABBLES
I can't believe we got a giant gorilla through customs!

KONGALA hoots.

WEINSTEIN
Crash! Fairweather! Glenn in a fur bikini?

GLENN
Glenn sister. Me long lost identical twin separated by cruel accident of fate.

WEINSTEIN
Riiight. And ... Mein Gott! A giant ape!

FAIRWEATHER
You'd be surprised what you can pass off as hand luggage.

GOLHOOLEY
Sweet heavens in mercy! Where on Earth does a sixty foot gorilla sit on an aeroplane?

CRASH
Where-ever he wants.

WEINSTEIN
The Contessa De D'Urbervilles! You're as lovely - and as deadly - as you ever were.

GILHOOLEY
Takes her away, boys! And watch out! She's as slippery as a greased leprechaun, so she is!

CRASH
Wait!

CONTESSA
What is it? Haven't you done enough?

CRASH
Even though in the space of the last few weeks you've tried to blow me up and feed me to a giant gorilla ...

KONGALA grunts, affronted.

It's all right, girl. I know you wouldn't have done it. But even though you did those things, I still feel kind of bad. Chief?

GILHOOLEY
What is it, Crash?

CRASH
Tell the judge she came easy and that she's only a cold blooded murder in fact, not where it counts, right in here, in the heart! Tell him the Contessa wasm't always this way. Tell him that once she fought alongside us, even though she had nothing to gain by it and tell him I'll testify, any time, any place, to say the Contessa De D'Urbevilles may have done a lot of things she shouldn't but, given half a chance, can be the kind of woman who can make a real difference!

GILHOOLEY
Has anyone got a pencil|? I''ll never remember that!

CONTESSA
I always will.

Kiss.

Goodbye Crash. We will meet again.

Segue.


ACT THREE SCENE SIX

GILHOOLEY
Okay, boys! Here's the plan! Crash Morgan will be in the audience with his people and Buddy will be backstage. I want you boys to ring the theatre! We'll get those devils! You see if we don't! Malone, you stay here at the station and keep an eye on the Contessa. She's a real smooth operator and I don't trust her!

OFFICER MALONE
Excuse me! Chief Gilhooley!

GILHOOLEY
What is it, Officer Malone?

MALONE
Would I right in understanding that one of Crash Morgan's people is so much a person, as well ... a giant monkey?

GILHOOLEY
That would be correct, yes. A sixty foot mutant gorilla, in fact, so it is.

MALONE
Well, I was just wandering ... where on Earth does a gigantic ape sit in a public theatre?

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE SEVEN

FAIRWEATHER
Do you know, I haven't been to the theatre in ages!

KITTY
Me never been.

FAIRWEATHER
You'll love it, trust me.


KITTY
Dress pretty.

FAIRWEATHER
It is a lovely dress.

WEINSTEIN
It doesn't really work with the bow and arrow though.

FAIRWEATHER
Baby steps, Johan, baby steps.

CRASH
I think she looks lovely.

KITTY, hopeful
We make cubs now?

FAIRWEATHER
This is a public theatre!

WEINSTEIN
That's not stopping that couple in the fourth row. (Calls) Get a room!

KITTY
But dress itches! Shoes hurt! Painted face feel funny! Perfume stink!

FAIRWEATHER
Oh dear ... What's the plan again, Johan old boy?

WEINSTEIN
The bad guys will contact me in the interval. I don't see how they can hope to escape.

FAIRWEATHER
Oh, they're wily ...

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
Excuse me ...

CRASH
Hello? Yes?

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
Your friend is blocking my view ...

CRASH
I'm sorry. Kongala?

KONGALA grunts

Hat. Kongala!

Grunts.

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
Thank you. That's so much better ...

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE EIGHT

ZABLIGIONI

Peanuts! Peanuts! Get a your peanuts!

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
Excuse me, are you the peanut lady?

ZABLIGIONI
What, you think a I’m wearing this stupido uniform for nothing? You think I knocked out a the poor sap who sells the peanuts and stole their stupido uniform, is that what you’re saying?

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
I just want some peanuts…

KATANA
Hai!

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
What!

ZABLIGIONI
Don’t mind her. She just sells ice-cream.

OLD LADY HUFFMEIER
I just want some peanuts…

THEATRE GOING GENTLEMAN
I’d like a tub of vanilla, please.

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Would you like Sprinkles?

GLENN, gagged
Help me! I’ve been kidnapped.

THEATREGOING GENTLEMAN
Is that a gag?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
No. We have Sprinkles.

ZABLIGIONI
Take a your ice-cream, take a your peanuts, now tt! tt! tt! go!

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE NINE

GABBLES
Three minutes! This is your three minute call, everybody!

VICTOR
Three minutes to curtain! Is everybody ready?

FLINT
Sure thin, Mr. Lucakz!

VICTOR
It is a full house, and I can feel their desire. Can you not taste their need?

LILY
I got butterflies!

VICTOR
Fear will make you strong!

BUDDY
Break a leg, Lily.

Kiss

Maybe after the show…

LILY
I’d like that Buddy.

FLINT
Break a leg, Lily-

LILY
Hey! You don’t kiss me unless either hell freezes over or a room full of people pays! What kind of girl do you think I am?

FLINT
The beautiful but not too bright kind?

SELMA
Flint!

BUDDY
You take that back!

FLINT
I will not! I’ve just about had it with this stupid chump!

BUDDY
Hey! Don’t shove me!

FLINT
Who gets my girl-

BUDDY
Stop that!

FLINT
Who everybody loves so much they seem to forget just who’s the star of this show-

BUDDY
Stop shoving me!

FLINT
And who won’t go anywhere without his stupid baseball cap!

BUDDY
NO! BODY! TOUCHES! THE! CAP!

Huge smacking noise, followed by things breaking.

GABBLES
Holey moley, I think you killed him!

BUDDY
I…I…Aw geez, what have I done?!

SELMA
Flint! Flint! Are you okay?

GABBLES
He’s out plum cold!

VICTOR
What ? What has happened here?

LILY
It was an accident, Mr.Lucakz! flint can’t go on!

VICTOR
Then Buddy must!

BUDDY
I…can’t!

VICTOR
You must! Do you hear?

BUDDY
Aw geez! I’m not really an actor! I can’t do this!

VICTOR
There is no-one else! Go out there and sing, little Buddy Brannigan!

BUDDY
I can’t.

VICTOR
You must! Make this audience know that you love this woman!

BUDDY
That…that I can do!

GABBLES
Curtain! Take your places!

Music starts!

VICTOR
The show must go on!

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE TEN

Clanging noise.

OFFICER MALONE
What? What do you want?

CONTESSA
A little word, Officer. You look so strong in that uniform.

OFFICER MALONE
Hey! None of that! I’m a married man, to be sure! A fine wife and eight children, so don’t be thinking you can be pulling any of that seducing nonsense on old Paddy Malone!

CONTESSA
Eight children!

OFFICER MALONE
I wanted a big family but the wife put her foot down. Begorrah, you smell nice…

CONTESSA
That’s it…breather deep…breathe deep the hypno-perfume of the Contessa D’Urbervilles.

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE TWELVE.


FLINT
Oh! What hit me..

VICTOR
Ah! You are conscious …

FLINT
I should be on stage!

VICTOR
You are always late for rehearsal and now! You sleep! The great Victor offers you immortality and you snooze my gift away, like cheap wine! I spit on you! Ptooie!

FLINT
Who’s out there> Not…Buddy!

VICTOR
Buddy Brannigan, the new star of Circus Follies, has excelled himself! The critics, worthless bottom-feeding parasitical scum that they are, cannot but help but love his charming naivete! He is truly a star… and you…you are fired! Gabbles!

GABBLES
What do you want me to do boss?

VICTOR
Dispose of this!

FLINT
You can’t… I got a contract.

GABBLES
Tell it to the birds, buddy!

FLINT
Who do you think you are?

VICTOR
I am Victor.

Segue.

ACT THREE SCENE TWELVE.

Weinstein, complaining to himself.

“Hi! I’ crash! I can’t get the interval snacks because I’ve got a giant ape. Hi! I can’t get the interval snacks because I’ve lived in the jungle since I was eight, don’t understand the concept of money and tried to eat my programme Hi! And I can’t get the interval snacks because I’m a limey schmuck so why don’t you go Johan old boy…(big sigh) Hi! A hot dog, two ice-creams and oh! Half a ton of peanuts please…

GLENN, gagged.
Doctor.

WEINSTEIN
Mein Gott!

ZABLIGIONI
Grab a the Initiator. And keep a the girl! Run!

Segue

WEINSTEIN
Crash! Crash! It’s a disaster…

CRASH
They’re out of hot dogs!?

WEINSTEIN
No, you idiot! They grabbed the Initiator! And they still have Glenn! Look! The fire escape!

CRASH
They’re getting away! After them!

FAIRWEATHER
Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me…

WEINSTEIN
I said we should have sat near the aisle!

FAIRWEATHER
Sorry, Coming through. So sorry.

Segue Door. Traffic noise.

GILHOOLEY
What? What is it?

CRASH
They were here!

GILHOOLEY
Begorrah, there’s ben on-one through here but some Ushers. Look. They gave us free ice-cream!

IRISH COPS. Together.

And very nice it is too.
Lovely fellers.
Begorral
Very refreshing, so it.

FAIRWEATHER
Gone! We’ve missed them!

CRASH
This is bad. This is real bad. What are we going to do now?

WEINSTEIN.
My advice? Leave town. Leave the town right now.

FAIRWEATHER
Kitty! Get off the floor.

KITTY
Smell… animal.

WEINSTEIN
You’re stood next to a sixty foot high gorilla! And your father…

KITTY
No, lots of animals! Lots of spoor.

FAIRWEATHER
That’s preposterous! Where would you find a large variety of animals in Metropolitan City?

CRASH
The Zoo!

WEINSTEIN
The Zoo!

GILHOOLEY
The Zoo!

FAIRWEATHER
The Zoo!

KITTY
The Zoo!

KINGALA grunts.

GILHOOLEY
It’s years since I’ve been to the zoo. I like the seals with their tricks and their beach balls. Begorrah. I’ll radio for backup.

FAIRWEATHER
I only pray it’s not too late.

Segue

ACT TWO SCENE THIRTEEN.

BUDDY
They love us! They really love us!

LILY
They love you, Buddy! I love you.

SELMA
You kids are the best. I ain’t never had an audience like this!

BUDDY
What ! you mean one with a giant ape in it?

SELMA
No, you silly!

GABBLES
Curtain everybody! Take your places.


BUDDY
Lily?

LILY
Buddy

BUDDY
I guess…I mean… I love you too..

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE FOURTEEN

GILHOOLEY
Right. We’ve got the place surrounded.

CRASH
And this time no one get’s out, okay?

GILHOOLEY
Right.

CRASH
No Ushers. No keepers. No one dressed as animals. No one! Okay?

GILHOOLEY
What was the last one again?

CRASH
No one dressed as animals!

GILHOOLY
Got it!


CRASH
We’re going to try to sneak in…

Segue

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Work with haste!

ZABLIGIONI
It’s a big bomb. You want to go boom?

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish

YOKO
If you do not hurry we will be caught.

ZABLIGIONI
Keep your hair on! See this syringe? Concentrated Radium X! Is a plan D

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Are you near completion of our most urgent project?

ZABLIGIONI
Don’t interrupt! This is a crucial!

CRASH
Step away from the bomb!

Electrical noise

ZABLIGIONI
Now you’ve done it! Ten minutes, we’re linguini, just like my Momma used to burn.

CRASH
Stay right where you are!

ZABLIGIONI
No fear!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl!

Music

KITTY
Run away! They run!

CRASH
I’ll go after Katana! Fairweather! You go after Zabligioni! He ran towards the Reptile House! Kitty! After the Nazi goon!

WEINSTEIN.
What am I? Chopped liver?

CRASH
The bomb man! The bomb.

WEINSTEIN.
Oh, right. The big bomb!

Segue. Cell door.

GLENN
Contessa what are you doing here?

CONTESSA
I’ve come to do something I should have done a long time ago…

GLENN
Get back! Get back I say!

CONTESSA
You idiot, I’ve not come to hurt you! I’ve come to free you.

GLENN
What… why?

CONTESSA
For Crash.

GLENN
Does this mean you’re good again? Because we’ve had this before…

CONTESSA
Do you want to escape or not?

GLENN
Righty ho!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
Our nefarious scheme is undone! But I will at least have the satisfaction of killing the both of you…

CRASH
Over my dead body!

CONTESSA & GLENN together
Crash!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
It will be my honour.

CRASH
You’d swordfight an unarmed man?

Clang!

YOKO
My master always carries a spare.

Swordfight begins. Segue.

FAIRWEATHER
I have you now, you foppish dastard. How fitting- hiding out in a reptile house!

ZABLIGIONI
You’ll be laughing on the other side of your kisser in just a minute…

FAIRWEATHER
Fabulous taste and exquisite shoes won’t save you now.

ZABLIGIONI
Maybe I don’t need saving!

FAIRWEATHER
What are you doing with that poor innocent Gecko and that glowing syringe?

ZABLIGIONI
Is a plan D. I always got a plan B through F.

FAIRWEATHER
Can my eyes be deceiving me.. it’s growing.

ZABLIGIONI
Is a concentrated Radium X solution. Is a going to be a biiig Gecko!

FAIRWEATHER
You are the most twisted of geniuses!

ZABLIGIONI
Is a my blessing and my curse.

FAIRWEATHER
Look out!

Zabligioni screams. Chomping noise and crashing of masonry. Segue

CRASH
Disarmed! Surrender, Katana!

KATANA
Japanese sounding gibberish.

YOKO
You have won…

CRASH
What are you doing here, Contessa?

GLENN
She came to free me.

CRASH
I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me..

YOKO
Step away from my master.

GLENN
A pistol!

YOKO
Step away!

KATANA
No.. Yoko. He has defeated me honourably.. Our lives are his.

YOKO
No!

KATANA
Yoko! No!

CONTESSA
No!

Gunshot! Thump!

CRASH
Contessa

YOKO
Uhf!

GLENN
Take that you murdering hussy.

CRASH
Oh, Contessa… why did you do it?

CONTESSA
Because it is all I could do, the only sacrifice I have to make… Oh Crash…I love you. Be with Glenn. Be happy. And please, I beg you, remember me for the good I have done…

CRASH
Oh, I’m so sorry Contessa…

CONTESSA
Kiss me Crash.

Music swells.

CRASH
Gone… She may have lived in the shadows but she died in the light. I promise you , Contessa, you will always be remembered and I will always treasure the memory of this last fleeting kiss…

GLENN
I bit too much if you ask me….

Segue

GILHOOLY
Saints preserve us!

KITTY
Giant lizard!

FRANZ
Ja Vohl! Urgh!

FAIRWEATHER
I can’t believe my eyes.

WEINSTEIN
I’m trying to defuse a nuclear device. I really don’t need this right now…

KITTY
Look! Kongala! Kongala stop!

Monster roars and carnage. Radio noise.

GILHOOLY
This is Chief Gilhooly to all cars! We have a twelve twenty nine, repeat twelve twenty nine- a gigantic lizard is up downtown Metropolitan City. We have a giant ape, repeat a giant ape on the scene moving to intercept.

Static

No, I have not been drinking and frankly I resent the implication. This is Chief Gilhooly to all cars! Repeat, we have a twelve twenty nine, repeat a twelve twenty nine, heading uptown…

Carnage and music

GASTON
No! You cannot come in her without a tie.

Monster roar

Noooooo!

Segue

ACT THREE SCENE FIFTEEN.

FAIRWEATHER.
Crash! All hell’s breaking loose out there!

CRASH
I heard.

GLENN
Good Lord, it’s…my Lord! It’s kike looking in a mirror! Albeit one with no dress sense andmade up like a clown…

CRASH
Of course. You didn’t know… We found your sister in South America.

KITTY
Remember you. Kitty play with Glenn so long ago.

GLENN
It’s like… it’s like talking to myself…

FAIRWEATHER
My family…together again at last…

WEINSTEIN
Not if you don’t shut up and let me concentrate…

CRASH
How’s it going Professor?

WEINSTEIN
Five seconds and it’s good news or bad news …four…three…two…one…

Long pause

CRASH
I’m guessing that’s good news…

WEINSTEIN
Ja, pretty good. How’s it going out there?

CRASH
It’s not good! Kongala’s doing her best but the giant Gecko is wrecking the cityQ

WEINSTEIN
I have an idea

FAIRWEATHER
You do?

WEINSTEIN
Ja. I have drained off some depleted Radium X from the bomb core and mixed it with some animal tranquilisers I have found. If it can be injected into the Gecko the anti- particles should amplify the tranquiliser and reduce the creatureto unconsciousness.

FAIRWEATHER
But how are we supposed to do that?

WEINSTEIN
Well, I packed the rocket suit…

CRASH
Yes, this is no job for Crash Morgan, Special Agent FBI, hors d’oeuvre to a Jungle Deity and Guest Judge for the Tihuana Young Ladies Correctional Facility’s “Miss Rehabilitation” Swimsuit Pageant! This is a job for the human rocket! But, goldarn it, how am I suppose to stick the syringe in and fly the suit.

KITTY
Carry Kitty! Kitty have bow! Kitty shoot monster! Kitty best shot in jungle.

FAIRWEATHER
It could work.

CRASH
To victory then!

Segue

GILHOOLY
This is Chief Gilhooly to all planes! The creature is climbing the Metropolitan State Building and Kongala is following.

Airplanes and gunfire.

Do not fire on Kongala! The giant ape is one of the good guys, so it is!

Ray gunnoise! Explosion.

I don’t believe it! The giant lizard is shooting the creatures our of the sky with some kind of radioactive lizard breath! It’s beyond belief so it is.

Carnage and music.

WEINSTEIN
Suits ready!

CRASH
It’s been a while since I’ve flown her. Ready Kitty?

KITTY
Kitty ready.

CRASH
Just one moment.. Glenn?

GLENN
Crash?

CRASH
This may not be the best time, but if there’s one thing the Contessa taught me it’s that you have to make the time to do the right thing… I guess what I’m saying is… Will you marry me, Glenn?

FAIRWEATHER
My word!

GLENN
I…I don’t know hat to say…

CRASH
Yes, you do.

GLENN
Oh! Crash!

CRASH
Oh! Glenn

Music swells.

KITTY
Glenn and Crash make cubs?

WEINSTEIN
Any minute now, by the look of it…

GLENN
Be safe Crash.

CRASH.
You know it! Hold tight Kitty.

KITTY sadly
Kitty hold on tight.

CRASH
Up and away!

Rocket noise

GLENN
Godspeed, my love. Godspeed.

Music

CRASH
OKAY… I’m going to get us in as close as I can.

Ray gun noise

KITTY
Fire breath!

CRASH
That was a near thing!

Ray gun noise

Darn, I can’t get any closer.

KITTY
Can’t shoot from here.

Kongala roars

Kongala attack!

Ray gun noise. Kongala roars

Kongala burning!

CRASH
But it’s the opening we need! Just fire that syringe arrow!

Twang. Monster roar.

You got it!

Crumbling noise. Kongala screams.

KITTY
No! Kongala fall!

CRASH
I hope they cleared the streets…

FLINT
He can’t fire me! He hasn’t heard the last of… Oh, Goldarn…

Thump and splat noise

Music

KITTY
Kongala, Oh! Kongala.

CRASH
It’s alright, you did good, girl. You did good…

Kongala hoots.

KITTY sobbing
Kongala die.

FAIRWEATHER
Actually I think she’ll be alright. It’s a long fall but nothing looks broken.

CRASH
She will?

Slurpy Kiss.
Oh! That is still revolting…

KITTY
Kongala live!

FAIRWEATHER
What about the giant Gecko?

WEINSTEIN
It’s out cold. They’re going toneed a bigger reptile house…

KITTY
Kongala go back to plateau and Kitty go with her.

FAIRWEATHER
What! No you can’t! I’ve only just found you.

GLENN
He’s right. You’ve been back so short a time. There’s so much for me to reach you! Dress sense and personal grooming how to use cutlery..

CRASH
You should stay. This is where you belong.

KITTY
No, not belong. Not stay. Not smart, smart enough. Glenn love Crash, Crash love Glenn. Anyone else love Crash, get shot or fall off building.

WEINSTEIN
The girl has a point.

KITTY
Come see me. Always a place for you in jungle. Always place for all of you but cannot live here. Not Kitty, not Kitty for long time. I am Sheera, Leopard Queen. The trees are my home and the jungle canopies my roadways. There Sheera is free. There Sheera is strong. Here Sheera is just …copy. Bad copy of Glenn.

FAIRWEATHER
My baby girl!

GLENN
My darling sister.

CRASH
Just say you’ll stay for the wedding…

FAIRWEATHER
I say, Johan old chap… is that a tear in your eye?

WEINSTEIN.
No, it’s nothing (sniffs) Nothing at all.

CRASH
Well, Metropolitan City is safe, everything is the way it should be … and there’s still time to carch the end of Buddy’s show.

LILY
All alone. (all alone) I say you all alone.
I felt you all alone (all alone)
And how I wished that I could hold you.

BUDDY
What I wanted (I want) was to tell you what I wanted
To tear away this front (this front)
That stood between we two.

LILY
Because the walls that stood between the two of us
(unreal)

BUDDY
They couldn’t stand between the two of us
(I feel)

LILY AND BUDDY
They couldn’t stand between the two of us
Any more!
So we can take each other by the hand (the hand)
So that together we can stand
Alone No More together. (Together)

LILY
Hold the phone. (hold the phone Everybody hold the phone
And finally leave me all alone (hold the phone)
So I can join you, be alone with you.

BUDDY
I got my wish ( I did) My fondest rruest wish.
Nothing else but you exists (but you) but you in the whole wide world!

LILY AND BUDDY
All the misunderstandings blown away
(Far away)
All that’s in our hearts that we can say
( We can say)
And I will tell you every day
That I love you (That I love you)

LILY
But in the end (I got) I got what I wanted most
The best buddy in the world.

VICTOR not singing
That’s not the lyric!

LILY
(I got him) so I guess that in the end…

BUDDY
We don’t have to be alone…

ALL
Alone no more together.

Rapturous applause.

NARRATOR
So the Metropolitan City is safe again. What further adventures await our heroes? Find out next week in the next amazing Crash Morgan serial: Crash Morgan and the Fire of the Gods.

THE END