CRASH MORGAN
AND THE CURSE OF THE
LOST TOTEM
by Ian Wheeler


Tuesday 4th and Wednesday 5th May
at
THE THIRD FLOOR
Portsmouth Central Library, Guildhall Walk, Portsmouth

Monday 10th and Tuesday 11th May
at
THE LION & THE UNICORN
42 Gaisford Street, Kentish Town, London


STARRING


Gavin “Buster” Sheffield
as CRASH MORGAN and OLD BRAUN

Frances Lewis/Siobahn Croll
as GLENN FAIRWEATHER

Sally Evans/Nita Patel
as BUDDY BRANNIGAN and ANNA

Mike O’Doherty
as NARRATOR, HERAKLES STRAUSS, GIRAUD, HAMISH FAROUK
and ACHMED

Jo Parsons
as THE CONTESSA DE D’URBERVILLES

Kris Robertson/Matt Carpenter
as MODO, HANSEL and INSPECTOR VILLIERS

Russell Hughes
as WILLOUGHBY CARSTAIRS, ERNST, NAMELESS VILLAGER
and HENRI

Stephen Longhurst
as PROFESSOR KAPEK, HANS, CAPTAIN SALT, TARIQ
and MAD MAGDA

Ian Wheeler
as KASPAR VON KRUGER, LE BLANC and TUHK AN KHUM


ACT ONE SCENE ONE

Begin A 1.

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Curse of the Lost Totem, Episode One – The Gathering Storm, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Fade out A 1.

Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, Fighter Pilot and ex-Football Hero, aided only by his Sidekick Buddy Brannigan, fearlessly fights evil’s forces where-ever he finds them.

Begin A 2 Play to finish.
Count five and begin

Our story begins in a rotting ancient Castle high up in the Austrian Alps …

Thunder rumbles.

STRAUSS
The storm approaches.

Thunder rumbles again.

Soon … soon … soon I will complete my great work!

MODO
Master.

STRAUSS
I have buried myself in my ancestral castle here so many years. I have foregone so much that lesser men take for granted. All have escaped my grasp while I toiled to push back the limits of human understanding, to tear down the barricades of ignorance.

Thunder again. Begin B 1. Play to finish.

They said I was insane.

Giggles like a loony.

I have sacrificed so very much. Family. Friends. Love.

MODO
I love you, Master.

STRAUSS
Later. Modo. But it will all have been worth it. Soon I will know what it feels like to be God!

Enthusiastic clapping.

MODO
Bravo Master! Bravo!

Strauss laughs. Lightning cracks. Begin B 2. Play to finish.

STRAUSS
The heavens themselves will fuel my generators, feed me the power I need to batter down the doors between life and death. Nothing can stand in my way, Modo! Nothing can stop me now!

Doorbell Play B 3. Play to finish.

MODO
Doorbell, Master.

STRAUSS
Faithful Modo.

Doorbell twice. Play B 4. Play to finish.

(Shouts) He’s coming!

Footsteps.

Soon, my beautiful creation. Soon …

Multiple footsteps back.

MODO
Master, The Contessa D’urbervilles.

CONTESSA
Doctor Strauss. Berlin sent me.

STRAUSS
What do they want?

CONTESSA
They have provided very well for you, Herr Doctor, and so far without results.

STRAUSS
The Reich is impatient. Genius makes its own timetable. Pah! What do you know?

CONTESSA
I know that you seek to raise the dead, to create scientific super-zombies. I know that for years that this has eluded you, that you have sought in vain for the final ingredient that will vindicate your theories and restore your family name and fortunes. I know also that tonight will be your final experiment, that you will have exhausted all avenues of research.

STRAUSS
You know too much.

CONTESSA
The Reich wants you to succeed, Herr Doctor. Very much so.

STRAUSS
Of course, of course.


Play B 5.

A tarpaulin is pulled sharply away. Crack of thunder

Behold! Behold the labours of my genius.

The CONTESSA gasps.

CONTESSA
He’s gigantic!

MODO, sulky
Size isn’t everything.

STRAUSS
I must act now. Today will go down in history, and, both of you, stand adjunct to greatness! My greatness! Stand back, Contessa! Stand back!

Thunder rumbles.

Raise the apparatus! Pluck the very lightning from the heavens!

Cranking noise followed by a crack of lightning and a heavy crackling.

MODO
The Master. The capacitors are full!

STRAUSS
Pull the lever!
Play A 2. Play to finish.
Huge special effect, then microwave ping. Fade out B 5.

Long pause.

Any minute now …

Long pause.

Any minute …

MODO
Wait! His fingers moved!

STRAUSS, excited
They did? They moved?

MODO
No. Not really. Sorry, Master.

STRAUSS, wailing
I have failed! Failed!

MODO
Back to the drawing board. Never say die, Master.

STRAUSS, sobbing
It’s useless! Useless!

CONTESSA
No, Herr Doctor.

STRAUSS
You do not understand! Without a chemical re-agent it has proven impossible! Some anti-necrotising solution … but no! My life wasted! Wasted!

CONTESSA
And if I could secure such a chemical?

STRAUSS
Pah! You are an archaeologist! What do you know of hard science? How can you help me?

CONTESSA
Herr Doctor. Listen to me, and listen well … to the legend of the Great Pharaoh Tuhk-An-Khum …


Crack of lightning, music swells. Segue to: Play A 4. Play to finish.


ACT ONE SCENE TWO

Running footsteps echoing. They come to a halt.

GIRAUD, out of breath
Zut Alors!

ERNST
Down here! Schnell! Schnell!
Play A 5. Play to finish.
More footsteps. They also stop.

HANS
A dead end, Herr Giraud. You nearly lost us.

KASPAR
I will wager that we are not the first of your customers to have chased you through Paris’ back alleys. Still … you will have to talk to us now, Ja?

GIRAUD
Please, I cannot …

KASPAR
The item, Herr Giraud. Our employer has made you a most reasonable offer. Why will you not simply sell the totem to us and then go to your home, happy and rich, eh?

GIRAUD
I do not have the scarab any more! I have already sold it!

KASPAR
I see. Well, that is … regrettable.

GIRAUD
And now you no further use for me. But you have failed.

Spits.

I die happy.

KASPAR
Herr Giraud, you do us an injustice. We are not comic book thugs. Ach, no.

ERNST
Nein!

HANS
Nein!

KASPAR
So … you have merely to tell us to whom you sold the item and we will happily wish you a good night and be upon our way.

GIRAUD
I … I will not …

KASPAR
Ah.

GIRAUD
Although you Nazis dress well, you are Monsters! Monsters! Soon you will spill your borders like a black, well turned out plague and you will swallow France whole, I know it! I will not help you harm the land I love! I am a patriot! Do you hear me?

KASPAR
All this for a little antique Jewellery …

GIRAUD
I know what it was. A key. A key to the dark secrets of an ancient and accursed evil!

KASPAR
I see a little persuasion is in order … Hans! Hold him down!

HANS
It’s Ernst’s turn.

KASPAR
What?

HANS
“ Hans, hold him down,” Always, then Ernst has all the fun. It’s not fair.

ERNST
Hey! I held him down last time!

HANS
You did not!

ERNST
I did so!

HANS
Anyway, even if you did, it was just the once maybe. It’s always me the other times.

KASPAR
Oh, for God’s sake …

HANS
And you’re such a sloppy hitter. A couple of bruises tops. I think you’re afraid of messing up your pretty hair.

ERNST
That is not so!

HANS
They see you coming they must be laughing their heads off, and they better. It’s the only way they’re going to get hurt.

ERNST
You are such a liar!

HANS
“ Oh look! Here comes pretty Ernst!”

KASPAR
Just … just … I’ll hold him down!

Struggling noise.

GIRAUD
Let me go!

KASPAR
Just tell us what we want to know and we will leave you. No one wants to hurt you, Herr Giraud.

HANS
I do.

ERNST
I wouldn’t mind.

KASPAR
Shut up!

Urbane again.

Just give us what we want, Herr Giraud.

Spitting noise.

Always with the spitting with you! Very well then …

HANS
Dibs I go first!

ERNST
You always go first.

KASPAR
Toss for it! Wait … what is this?

ERNST
What is it?

GIRAUD
It is nothing … nothing at all …

KASPAR
In your top pocket … A receipt stub … “Received with thanks, for one jewelled scarab brooch …”

He laughs.

And an address! We have the information!

HANS & ERNST, together
Aww.

GIRAUD
Curse you!

KASPAR
Well, boys … technically he didn’t tell us …

GIRAUD
Oh, sacre bleu!

ERNST
I am going to enjoy this …

Menacing music, advancing footsteps.

GIRAUD
No, please …

CRASH
Get away from him!
Play A 6. Play to finish
Triumphant music.

KASPAR
Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, Fighter Pilot and International Tennis Pro! And his sidekick! Buddy Brannigan!

CRASH
Get your filthy Ratzi hands off him. He’s under the protection of the U S of A!

BUDDY
You tell ‘em, Crash!

KASPAR
Get them!
Play A 7. Play to finish.
Music swells, sound of fighting.

HANS
Run!

ERNST
Run away!

BUDDY
Shall I go after them, Crash?

CRASH
You do that, Buddy.
Play A 8. Play to finish.
Footsteps running off.

KASPAR
Let go of me! Let go!

CRASH
I won’t have you whaling on the innocent, even if they are French!

GIRAUD
Oh, merci! Thank you! Thank you, badly-attired stranger!

KASPAR
I will tell you nothing, you hear?

CRASH
Hey! This leather jacket is a casual classic!

GIRAUD
Pfut! Maybe in Peoria …

CRASH
Do you want me to save you or not?

KASPAR
I said: I will tell you nothing!

GIRAUD
Well, maybe I do and maybe I don’t.

CRASH
Why, you ungrateful-

KASPAR
Hello?

CRASH, back on track
Oh, right.

KASPAR
I will tell you nothing.

Giraud sniffs.

CRASH
I think you will. I came a long way and I’m not going home empty handed.

KASPAR
Fool! You think you can stand before the eventual victory of the glorious Third Reich! The Reich will stand for a thousand years!

GIRAUD, still sniffing
Wait! Can you smell that?

CRASH
All I can smell’s the bull off of Fritz here.

KASPAR
I bathed this morning! No, wait … I can smell it too …

GIRAUD
I feel … so weak …
Play A 9. Play to finish.
He slumps to the ground.

So weak ..

CRASH
I know that scent … Oh no …

CONTESSA
But of course. How could you forget the hypno-perfume of the Contess de D’urbervilles?

Musical sting. Play A 10. Play to finish.

Modo. Be a sweetheart and get their guns!

MODO
Mistress.

CRASH
Can … barely … move …

CONTESSA
Sssssh, my sweet Crash. It has been too long … I do believe you have grown even more rugged since last we parted …

CRASH
And I see your poison is still as sweet.

GIRAUD
Mon Deui! What is a sweet Belle François doing working for the Nazis?

CONTESSA
When the war comes, Monsieur Giraud, I intend to be on the winning side. So, tell me Crash, how is the little mouse?

CRASH
You’re not fit to speak Glenn’s name!

CONTESSA
Oh my darling Crash. You’re so delightfully and misguidedly loyal. That’s what I love about you. That and your enormous-

KASPAR, regaining breath
Contessa!

CONTESSA
Von Kruger! You’re awake! How divine to have you back!

KASPAR
Contessa! Giraud no longer has the totem.

CONTESSA
Oh dear.

KASPAR
But we found this.

CONTESSA
Oh! How marvellous! Well, it would appear the scarab is nearly in our hands.

CRASH
You think you’ve won?

Patriotic music. Play A 11.

I’ve news for you, Contessa. I’ve got news, for every newspaper in every country in every heart, and that news, that banner headline complete with photo and “continued on page two” written underneath, is Freedom. Because I’m an American and that means something, goldarn it! It means that you can beat me, kill me and torture me and it won’t matter a darn, because I follow Freedom, and if I’m gone, it won’t matter any because that sweet ideal will inspire someone else to rise up and defeat you in my place! Do you hear me? So go ahead, Contessa. Do your worst, and I’ll die with the word “freedom” on my lips.

Fade out A 11.
MODO
It all sounds a bit melodramatic to me.

CONTESSA
Oh Crash. I could never harm you.
Play A 12. Play to finish.
Gunshot. Giraud screams.

CRASH
Giraud!

CONTESSA
Until we meet again, Crash. Our love is inevitable …
Play A 13. Play to finish.
A hissing noise. Crash coughs, and there is a slump.

Musical segue. Violent coughing.

CRASH, waking
Ah! What ..? Giraud! You’re alive!

GIRAUD
The gas which knocked us both out also slowed ze flow of precious, life-giving blood from my pain-wracked body. That which has killed me has also saved me long enough to tell you what I know! Oh! Oh, the bitter irony!

He lets out a pain wracked breath,

CRASH
Giraud?

Pause.

Giraud? Oh, that’s just peachy …

GIRAUD, starting awake again
No. I die … You must retrieve the Scarab and take it to Professor Kapek of the Paris Institute of Archeology and Antiquities … You must travel to Cairo and seek out Farouk … Hamish Farouk … you must … you must …

He coughs.

I die for freedom. I die happy. One last thing …

CRASH
What is it?

GIRAUD
A black belt … with those trousers?

He dies. Musical segue.
Play A 14. Play to finish.

ACT ONE SCENE THREE

A knock at the door.

KAPEK
Come in?

Door.

GLENN
Professor Kapek of the Paris Institute of Archeology and Antiquities?

KAPEK
Yes, I am he.

GLENN
Glenn Fairweather, Reporter for the London English Evening Post, (sotto voice) and secretly doing a little Hush Hush work for British Intelligence. But ssssh!, Mum’s the word.

KAPEK
Mum, Eh? I’ve been expecting you, my dear …

GLENN
Expecting me? But how?

CARSTAIRS
Hello Fluffsy.

GLENN
Willsy!

KAPEK
You know each other?

GLENN
Willoughby Cartstairs, my childhood sweetheart! The golden haired clean-limbed youth with whom I laughed and sang and danced away my morning summers. I haven’t seen you since, ooh, let’s see …

CARSTAIRS
Since you left me at the altar for … Crash?

GLENN
Er, yes. So … how have you been?

CARSTAIRS
Not bad. Oh, the crushing loneliness and desperation, the sense of inadequacy, the knowledge I’d lost the single thing I cared about in all the world threatened to crush me utterly for a time, but then I threw myself into my work and, after a long while, there a came a point where I didn’t spend my every waking moment torturing myself with regret and self-recrimination.

GLENN
So the career’s going well? What are you doing here?

CARSTAIRS
British Intelligence got word that there are Nazis in Paris after the totem. They thought you might need some protection.

KAPEK
The American Government is also concerned. I have received a telegram. They also have sent a man.

GLENN & CARSTAIRS, together
Oh?

KAPEK
Crash Morgan.

GLENN
In Paris? Crash Morgan, Special Federal Agent, ex-Football Hero and Accredited Lifeguard? Here? Crash Morgan, in Paris? This Paris? The Crash Morgan to whom I was to be engaged before he was seduced by the Evil Contessa Francesca de D’urbervilles? He's here? In Paris? The same Crash Morgan who betrayed me utterly at the pinnacle of my perfect joy for some frog eating Jenny Roundheels with bullet-proof makeup and a push-up braziere? That Crash Morgan? Here, now, in Paris?

KAPEK
He still means something to you, doesn't he?

GLENN
No, I’m past all that now. I barely think about it all. I mean, I’m a modern woman with a career and a future, not some heartsick girl clinging to the memory of a love tainted by the Judas sting of infidelity, who nightly sorts through a mental album of regrets and shattered dreams.

KAPEK
Well, I’m glad about that. Otherwise it could get a little uncomfortable! Do you have the totem?

GLENN
Here. I’ll unwrap it.
Play A 15. Play to finish.
Unearthly music.

KAPEK
It’s magnificent! I have dreamed all my life of such a find!

CARSTAIRS
Its almost as beautiful as Glenn …

KAPEK
These markings … an ancient cuneiform script which predates hieroglyphics … if I can find the cipher we will finally uncover the secret of the ages … the location of secret tomb of the Sacred First Emperor of the Nile, the sorcerer King Tuhk An Khum the Unliving! Can it be you know nothing of the Dark Prophecy?

CARSTAIRS
I studied Applied Rowing and Fencing at Oxbridge, Professor, not Egyptology.

Music. Play A 16. Play to finish.

KAPEK
Listen now, and listen well, to this dark legend handed down from generation to generation, of a time of dust, and death, and kings. Mighty was Tuhk An Khum, first Nile King to have united the tribes of Egypt, a mighty warrior and natural philosopher who conquered death itself. Beloved was his twin brother Khum Ah Suar, who he made also immortal. After years of blood and conquest came the years of peace and honey, and then it was that Tuhk An Khum fell in love with a noblewoman, Bathwatah, only to be betrayed by own his brother. There was a mighty battle, which almost destroyed the newborn Nation of Egypt. Bathwatah, torn between the two brothers, took her own life and Tuhk An Khum sentenced Khum Ah Suar to Mummification and Entombment. Torn apart by grief Thuk An Khum retired to his own pyramid in the deep desert to sleep, until his love came again, reborn, and swore that when he rose once more that the whole world would shake and bow as had once the reedy riverbanks of the Nile.

GLENN
I don’t understand why this is so important to British Intelligence?

KAPEK
Six months ago, digging in the deep desert, a tomb was uncovered, the one from which this scarab was taken. The Tomb of Khum Ah Suar. The canopic jars had all been broken, their contents dust, but one. And in that one lay the still living, still beating heart of Khum Ah Suar!
Play A 17. Play to finish.
Sting.

GLENN
Oh Gosh!

KAPEK
Scrolls in the tomb spoke of a concoction of leaves and herbs to create a serum of life … but the secret formula itself lies still buried in the sarcophagus of its creator, Tuhk An Khum. A partial map to his Secret Tomb exists, but could not be properly read without this sacred artefact.

CARSTAIRS
Until now.

KAPEK
Yes. Until now.

GLENN
Good gracious! Imagine if this got into the wrong hands?
Play A 18. Play to finish.
Door.

KASPAR
Imagine no longer.

Sting.

Nobody move. I would so hate it for Ernst here to have to shoot.

HANS
Why does Ernst always get the gun?

KASPAR
Shut up!

CARSTAIRS
This isn’t cricket. You won’t get away with this.

GLENN
The Contessa de D’urbervilles! What’s that tramp doing here?

CONTESSA
Glenn Fairweather …

MODO, gasps
She’s even prettier than the Master …

CONTESSA
How delightful to see you again …

GLENN
So … How’s Crash?

CONTESSA
I left him … sleeping peacefully.

GLENN
You hussy!

KASPAR
Enough of this! Hans! Get the Scarab.

KAPEK
No! I have sought such a find my whole life! You can’t!
Play A 19. Play to finish.
Thump.

Ufh!

GLENN
Professor!

CONTESSA
And get the girl.

CARSTAIRS
Glenn!

KAPEK
You fiends!

MODO, brightening
She’s coming with us?

KASPAR
What do we need with the girl?

CONTESSA
Insurance. Crash will come after us. Persistence is one of his many virtues. As much as it pains me to admit it, he believes he loves this cardiganed milksop.

KASPAR
Hans! Take her.

CARSTAIRS
Glenn!
Play A 20. Play to finish.
Thump.

Ufh!

KASPAR
Do not follow us! Or we will kill the girl!
Play A 21. Play to finish.
Door slams.

Mournful music. Door opens.

CARSTAIRS
Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I., Accredited Lifeguard and Interstate Middleweight Boxing Champion 1934-1936!

CRASH
Carstairs! What are you doing here?

CARSTAIRS
British Intelligence sent me.

BUDDY
Aw Geez. You must be Professor Kapek. Here, I’ll help you up.

KAPEK
Thank you, young man.

BUDDY
Name’s Buddy.

KAPEK
Thank you, Buddy.

CRASH
The scarab!

CARSTAIRS
The Contessa has it. She appears to be working with the Nazis.

CRASH
Goldarn it!

CARSTAIRS
Wait! Its worse than that … She has Glenn!

BUDDY
Glenn? Aw Geez!

CRASH
In Paris? Glenn Fairweather, former Beauty Queen turned International reporter for the London English Evening Post? Here? Glenn Fairweather, in Paris? This Paris? The Glenn Fairweather to whom I was to be engage before I was seduced by the Evil Contessa Francesca de D’urbervilles? She's here? In Paris? The same Glenn Fairweather whom I was forced to betray in order to determine the location of the bomb that would have utterly obliterated the hotel in which she and every other member of the Zurich Peace Conference was staying that fateful day? That Glenn Fairweather? Here, now, in Paris?

KAPEK
She still means something to you, doesn't she?

CARSTAIRS
We have to save her! They won’t be able to leave the country by conventional means, and I know a chap who works at the docks. I can follow that lead. If only we knew where they were holding her!

BUDDY
I followed two of the Nazi Goons after Crash chased them off. They went into a bistro down by the river. Maybe we should look there?

CARSTAIRS
Of course! The Contessa’s always been drawn to artists and their world. It only makes sense that she’d choose to socialise with the Bohemian set.

CRASH
All right. You follow your lead. Me and Buddy’ll infiltrate their hideout.

KAPEK
I’ll come with you.

CRASH
No! It’s brave of you, Professor, but when we get that scarab back you’re the only one who can decipher it.

CARSTAIRS
I hadn’t thought of that … Yes, you wait here, Professor.

KAPEK
I am but a weak and foolish old man. Oh, the memory of my strength filled and vigorous youth!

CRASH
All right Buddy. Here’s what we’re going to do …

Musical segue. Play A 22.


ACT ONE SCENE FOUR

Parisian music plays. A 22 down low.

BUDDY
Aww Geez.

CRASH
Here we are. Le Café Pretentious. Okay. I’ve got the disguise.

BUDDY
Eyepatch.

CRASH
Check.

BUDDY
False moustache.

CRASH
Check.

BUDDY
Stripy jumper.

CRASH
Check.

BUDDY
Big onion necklace.

CRASH
Garlic. Check.

BUDDY
Okay.

CRASH
Where’s your beret? You can’t wear that baseball cap.

BUDDY
Listen, Crash-

CRASH
Here, I’ll get that-

BUDDY, shrieking
NOBODY TOUCHES THE CAP!

CRASH
Holey Moley!

BUDDY
Sorry, Crash. This cap is all I got to remember my folks by. Babe Ruth himself gave it to me on the day my parents died in that freak baseball accident

CRASH
All right. I guess it’ll have to do. So, what’s your name?

BUDDY
Francois.

CRASH
Check. And what do you do?

BUDDY
Form and shape are lies. I transcend the tyranny of the real.

CRASH
You’re an artist. Check.

BUDDY
My name is Francois, I’m a painter. My name is Francois, I’m a painter …

CRASH
You get ‘em. Try and find out where they’re hiding Glenn. And don’t forget the accent.

BUDDY, with bad accent
My name is Francois, I’m a painter. My name is Francois, I’m a painter …

Door and footsteps. Louder music. Play B 6. Play to finish.
Raise A 22.
HENRI
Bonjour, mes ami.

BUDDY, no accent
Aw geez …

HENRI
What can I get you?

BUDDY
Got a sody pop?

HENRI
I got absinthe.

BUDDY
Absinthe? What’s that?

HENRI
It’s green.

BUDDY
Oooh! I’ll have a big one!

Clink. Glug glug glug. Play B 7. Play to finish.

That was nice. Can I have another?

HENRI
It is your funeral.

Door. Play B 8. Play to finish.

The CONTESSA and LE BLANC enter, laughing.

BUDDY
Aw Geez.

HENRI
I see you have eyes only for the Contessa. She is -

Kiss noise.

Non?

BUDDY
Who’s that tiny guy with her?

HENRI
It is the dwarf who calls himself Le Blanc. He is the finest artist in all Paris.

BUDDY
Maybe if I can impress her she’ll take me back to her place and I can find out where she’s hiding Glenn and the scarab …

HENRI
What?

BUDDY
Aw geez, I’m sorry. I meant to think that. Is it me or are the walls moving?

HENRI
What?

BUDDY
Nothing, nothing. What can you tell me about this Le Blanc guy?

French grunt from HENRI.

HENRI
Le Blanc believes that form and shape are lies, and transcend the tyranny of the real.

BUDDY
Hey! I do that! That’s my thing!
Play B 9. Play to finish.
Glug glug glug.

I’m going over there right now!

Angry footsteps.

Hey you!

LE BLANC
What is it?

BUDDY
Are you Le Blanc?

LE BLANC
I am he. Are you selling garlic?

BUDDY
If there’s anyone round here going to transcend the tyranny of the real it’s me! And I wouldn’t give you two cents for form and shape! Because they’re lies! Dirty lies! Why, I oughta-

LE BLANC
We are in agreement then, non?

BUDDY
Maybe you are, but … no, wait …

CONTESSA
This is why I love artists so. The fervour, the exchange of ideas, the meeting of minds …

BUDDY
Listen … one day the world will recognise the primacy of colour and texture, unlocked from the constriction of line and representation, and you’re gonna get yours, buddy, you see if you don’t! You stink, Buddy! You are a stinky pig!

LE BLANC
I do not wish to fight you. Garcon! A drink for my passionate young friend here.

BUDDY
You can’t buy me off with cheap green sody pop!

Clink. Glug glug glug. Play B 10. Play to finish.

Ooh, thanks very much.

Musical segue.
Lower A 22.

ACT ONE SCENE FIVE

Muted music.

CRASH
Come on, Buddy …

Clicking noise.

Uh oh.

HANS
Crash Morgan. Please put your hands up.

CRASH
You!

HANS
Please. There is a gun between your shoulder blades and the safety is off. I would not recommend any sharp moves.

CRASH
How did you get behind me?

HANS
You are not the only one who can lurk unnoticed, you know. I’m a good lurker. I have testimonials. And I’ve been expecting you. Ersnt! Tie him up!

ERNST
Ja wohl.

CRASH, grunting
Are you going to stand by and let him hold the gun and give the orders, Ernst?

ERNST
Nice and tight like so …

CRASH
Doesn’t it bug you that he gets do it and not you?

ERNST
Not really.

Thump. CRASH grunts. Slump. Play B 11. Play to finish.

This time I get to do that.

HANS
Teamwork. You’ve got to love it.

Musical segue. Play B 12. Play to finish.
Fade out A 22.

ACT ONE SCENE SIX

Heavy door unlocking.

GLENN
At last!

MODO
It is I, Modo.

GLENN
You! How long do you intend to keep me locked up like this?

MODO
I’m afraid that’s not up to me, Mistress.

GLENN
I’m no mistress of yours, you miserable freak of nature!

MODO, hurt
There’s no need to get personal. I brought you food.

GLENN
What’s that?

MODO
What?

GLENN
There, on the silver tray you’re carrying! Next to the Oysters, and between the fresh strawberries and the cheeky Beaujolais!

MODO, a bit defensive
It’s a rose.

GLENN
A rose?

MODO
Don’t you like roses?

GLENN
No, I like them well enough …

MODO
Oh good, good … So, how are you?

GLENN, flatly
I’ve been kidnapped.

MODO
And is that going well for you?

GLENN
What? What are you on about?

MODO
Sorry, sorry. I’m such a fool. You see, I don’t meet a lot of girls. There’s just me and the master, and he’s always too busy, and well … I’ve been so lonely.

He sighs.

GLENN, searching
Well, you’re very, oh, I don’t know … oh! Kind!

MODO
I picked the strawberries myself, you know.

GLENN
I’m allergic.

MODO
Right. Is it too much to hope that, one day, someone like you could ever love someone like me?

GLENN
Oh yes.

Musical segue.
Play A 23. Play to finish.

ACT ONE SCENE SEVEN

Crash groans.

CRASH
Oh, my aching head … Oh no. Tied to chair … again …

Buddy hiccups.

What?

BUDDY, drunk out of his skull
Hiya Crash. Hey, I found the Contessa’s place … Then she brought me home with this little guy and tied me up and then I had a little sleep, and then-

CRASH
Buddy, are you okay? Have you been drugged?

BUDDY
I’m just swell.

Belches.

Bit sicky, though. It must be all that Sody pop. You’re my best friend. I love you, you know …

CRASH
Maybe I can stretch the ropes …

Heaves heroically.

Too tight … goldarn it! Think, Crash … We’ve been in these situations before …

LE BLANC
Bon Nuit, my friends.

BUDDY
Hey, it’s Le Blanc. This is Le Blanc, Crash! He’s neat He’s into that colour and form thingy! Hey, Le Blanc! Untie us!

LE BLANC
And why would I want to do that?

BUDDY
He’s just kidding. He’s a swell guy.

LE BLANC
You fool. You think you know me as the dwarf Le Blanc, but in reality you know me better by my true identity …

Wet ripping noise. Play A 24. Play to finish.

KASPAR
Von Kruger!

Musical Sting.

CRASH, genuinely impressed
Now that was a disguise!

KASPAR
Thank you. We knew that you would attempt to track us down, so myself and the Contessa provided the bait.

CRASH
Wait … so this was a trap for us? Why? You have the scarab!

KASPAR
This little trinket?

Unearthly music. Play A 25. Play to finish.

BUDDY
Wow! That so pretty …

Buddy belches again.

Aw geez …

KASPAR
It has been brought to our attention that we will be requiring the services of Professor Kapek to make use of this little toy, and it occurred to us that you would be better off out of the way. (calls) Boys.
Play A 26. Play to finish.
Footsteps.

CRASH
Glenn!

GLENN, muffled
Crash!

CRASH
Oh, Glenn!

GLENN
Oh, Crash!

CRASH
Glenn! You’re gagged!

GLENN, muffled
I know that!

KASPAR
The Contessa has instructed that you be left tied to those chairs while we make good our escape, and that we take Miss Fairweather here as our Insurance. I’m not entirely unfeeling, Crash Morgan. I thought I would allow you one last glance at your true love.

CRASH
Last glance?

KASPAR
Yes. Unfortunately for you the Contessa has gone ahead, and it is my opinion that you would be further inconvenienced in the interruption of our business if you were to become, how shall I describe this, deceased.

GLENN, muffled
You fiend!

KASPAR
So say your goodbyes. But be quick. We sail at midnight and the Captain of the Pacific Queen is not a man who will be kept waiting.

BUDDY
Aw geez!

GLENN, muffled
I love you, Crash!

CRASH
I love you, Glenn!

GLENN, muffled
I wish I could believe that. You broke my heart in Zurich, Crash.

CRASH
I know you probably don’t believe that. I broke your heart in Zurich.

GLENN, muffled
With a cheap tramp like the Contessa! She’s evil! How could you have done that to me, to our love?

CRASH
And with a cheap tramp like the Contessa! I mean, she’s evil. You’re probably wondering could I have done that to you, to our love? And twice!

GLENN, muffled
Twice? God help me!

CRASH
Twice! God help me!

GLENN, muffled
If we survive this I swear to God I’m going to make you suffer, you two-timing insufferable cheat! By the time I’m done with you you’ll wish you’d never been born! You cheat on me, run out on me and then you have the nerve, the unmitigated gall, to sit there and tell me that you didn’t just betray me the once but that you did it twice! Twice!

CRASH
I love you too, Glenn!

KASPAR
Okay then. Time’s up. Take her away!
Play A 27. Play to finish.
Footsteps off. Talk over effect.

BUDDY
Bye!

CRASH
I’ll rescue you Glenn!

GLENN, muffled
You double-crossing weasel!
Play A 28.
Match strike, then hissing.

BUDDY
That’s a big candle.

CRASH
It’s a bomb, Buddy.

VON KRUGER
It has been a pleasure. Mister Morgan. It is a shame we will not meet again.

CRASH
We’ll meet again, Von Kruger. I promise you that.

Von Kruger laughs.

VON KRUGER
Most amusing … Goodbye.
Play B 13. Play to finish
Footsteps off. Rocking noise.

CRASH
If I can just … stretch these bonds …

BUDDY
The fuse, Crash! The fuse …

He blows.

It won’t go out!

Belches again.

Oh my!
Raise A 28.
CRASH
Can’t … get … free …
Play B14.
Hissing gets louder. Segue to music. Fade out A28.

NARRATOR
Is it curtains for Crash and Buddy? Will they be blown to smithereens by Von Kruger’s bomb? Find out after these messages in the second episode of Crash Morgan and the Curse of the Lost Totem – Journey Into Danger!
Fade out B14.
Play A 29.

1. The Mighty Titan – 12” tv.

2. The PogoKart.

3. Choccy chunks.
Ominous Music

IAN
The Mighty Titan!

JO
It's so huge!

FRAN/SIOBHAN
It's gigantic!

SALLY/NITA
I've never seen one that big before! Hey, Joe?

MIKE
Aw, Heck! I wish mine was that big!

IAN
The Mighty Titan!

KRIS/MATT
Do you want to come round and have a look?

FRAN/SIOBHAN
Do I ever!

IAN
Twelve inches of pure entertainment!

JO
I'd never leave the house!

IAN
The Mighty Titan! The new television set from Visco with the gigantic twelve inch tube! Accept nothing less than the Mighty Titan! Available from all good hardware stores!

Music and boing boing boing!

KIDS VOICE (STEVE)
Hey Buddy! What you got!

BUDDY
Hey Jimmy! It's the toy craze that's sweeping the nation!

Music and boing boing boing!

The Pogo Kart!

KID'S VOICE (MIKE)
Here's Professor Weinsten!

PROFESSOR WEINSTEIN (KRIS/MATT)
It is really quite scientific. You take the go-kart with its wheels and the pogo stick with its spring and what have you got?

BUDDY
The Go-Stick?

PROFESSOR WEINSTEIN
No, Buddy!

BUDDY
Aw Geez!

Laughter.

PROFESSOR
The PogoKart!

Music and boing boing boing.

It's racing fun on springs!

Crash Music.

CRASH
Hey kids! Want to eat like a hero?

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
Do we ever! Oh boy!

CRASH
Want to see my adventures rendered in chocolate crisped rice and marshmellow?

KID'S VOICE (RUSSELL)
Hey this one looks just Buddy!

KIDS VOICE (IAN)
Hey, I got the Contessa!

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
And I got …

Gasps!

The Crash Morgan Secret Decoder Ring!

CRASH
You can help me in my unending struggle against evil!

KID'S VOICE (RUSSELL)
And who knew that fighting crime would taste this great?

Laughter.

CRASH
Choccy Chunks! The nutritious chocolate and marshmallow


ACT TWO SCENE ONE

Music plays.

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Curse of the Lost Totem, Episode Two – Journey Into Danger!, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, Interstate Middleweight Boxing Champion 1934-1936 and Honourary Professor of Agriculture at the University of Wisconsin and his sidekick, Buddy Brannigan have been captured by the villainous yet beautiful Contessa De D’urbervilles and her cohort, the master of disguise Kasper Von Kruger, while seeking to recover the stolen Scarab of Tuhk An Khum, a sacred artefact that may lead to the secret of Immortality and allow the Nazis, aided by the brilliant yet insane Herakles Strauss, to create an undead army of zombie supermen! Crash’s estranged sweetheart Glenn Fairweather has also been taken captive while Von Kruger plots our Heroes’ destruction …

Match strike, then hissing.

BUDDY
That’s a big candle.

CRASH
It’s a bomb, Buddy.

VON KRUGER
It has been a pleasure. Mister Morgan. It is a shame we will not meet again.

CRASH
We’ll meet again, Von Kruger. I promise you that.

Von Kruger laughs.

VON KRUGER
Most amusing … Goodbye.

Footsteps off. Rocking noise.

BUDDY
The fuse, Crash! The fuse …

He blows.

It won’t go out!

Belches again.

Oh my!

CRASH
Can’t … get … free …

Hissing gets louder.
Vomit noise, Wet hiss.

Oh, that’s disgusting ...

BUDDY
Thank heavens that’s over ...

CRASH
You’ve put the fuse out!

BUDDY
Have I? That’s good too …

CRASH
The ropes are wet now …

Squelching noise.

Oh, that is foul. I’m free! Come on, Buddy … I’ll untie you.

BUDDY
Okay, Crash.

CRASH
Oh, Buddy?

BUDDY
Yes, Crash?

CRASH
We’re never going to speak of this escape again.

BUDDY
Aw geez …

Door.

CARSTAIRS
Crash? Buddy?

BUDDY
Willoughby Carstairs!

CARSTAIRS
Is that a bomb? What happened here?

CRASH
Just … don’t ask. What are you doing here?

CARSTAIRS
I couldn’t find my contact. I decided to come looking for you, then followed you from the Café Pretentious.

CRASH
There’s no point going to the Professor’s. We’ll never get there in time.

BUDDY
Aw geez!

CARSTAIRS
If only we knew where they were going!

CRASH
The Pacific Queen sailing from the Paris Docks at midnight.

CARSTAIRS
Oh! How on earth do you know that?

CRASH
It doesn’t matter. What time is it now?

BUDDY
Lets see .. big hand kissing little hand … five to!

CRASH
We’ve got to go! Glenn may be in mortal danger!

CARSTAIRS
Oh?

CRASH
The Contessa only keeps her around as leverage against me. Von Kruger thinks he’s killed us, me and Buddy. When he tells the Contessa that she’ll have no reason to keep Glenn alive.

CARSTAIRS, uncertain
She wouldn’t kill Glenn.

CRASH
Once she no longer has need of something or someone -

He clicks his fingers.

Her single-minded determination and her utter ruthlessness are her defining assets. That and her enormous-

CARSTAIRS
I’ll come with you!

Musical segue.


ACT TWO SCENE TWO

Car pulls up, engine idling.

KASPAR
Fetch the Professor, both of you.

HANS
Ja wohl.

ERNST
Mein Gruppenfuhrer.

Car doors.

KASPAR
And you. Go help them

MODO
Master?

KASPAR
Did you not hear me?

MODO
Manners of a pig … I don’t know why I do this …

Car door slams.

KASPAR
So ... at last, we are alone.

GLENN
What do you intend to do with me, you fiend?

KASPAR
I? Nothing? Provided that Professor Kapek complies with my not unreasonable demands.

GLENN
I'd rather die than see him help you!

KASPAR
My dear, you have mistaken me. I am not the monster you suppose me to be. I appreciate beauty when I see it, and would no more harm you now than pluck a rose, only to watch it wither in my hand.

GLENN
Did no-one ever tell you that a rose has thorns?

KASPAR
But of course. But they serve only to make its beauty all the more ... exquisite. Would it surprise you to learn that I find you ... attractive? You are in my power and I could force a kiss from you as easily as I could have you killed ... but I choose not to.

GLENN
So ... what's stopping you?

KASPAR
I am a man of power ... and of some refinement. I would not seize that which would more precious given freely ... your love.

GLENN
I'll never love you ... and besides, my heart belongs to Crash.

KASPAR
Crash Morgan is no more, and then ... you will learn to love me, in time.

Car door.

ERNST
We have him!

KAPEK
You monsters! I am but a frail old man! Unhand me!

KASPAR
Be gentle with him, boys. We need him in one piece.

ERNST
What now?

KASPAR
To the docks. We are expected …

Musical segue


ACT TWO SCENE THREE

Foghorn. Footsteps.

BUDDY
We’re too late!

CRASH
No, the boat’s still in. Look!

CARSTAIRS
It’s a ship. Not a boat.

CRASH
What? What’s the difference?

CARSTAIRS
They’re preparing to cast off.

BUDDY
Cast off what? Is that bad?

CARSTAIRS
Don’t you two know anything about seagoing craft?

CRASH
Well …

BUDDY
Heck no! I get seasick in the bathtub!

CARSTAIRS
Glenn used to love the ocean … we’d cut through the waves in my yacht, the salt spray glittering on her perfect skin, a garland of salt diamonds around her perfect head …

CRASH
Oh, Glenn …

CARSTAIRS
Oh, Glenn …

BUDDY
Aw geez …

CARSTAIRS & CRASH, together
We have to save her!

More footsteps approaching.

CRASH
Someone’s coming! Quick! Behind this netting!

Quick scurrying.

CAPTAIN SALT
The fog lays thick on the ocean.

ACHMED
Heh heheheh. I have never seen the like.

CAPTAIN SALT
My First Mate Mad Achmed be right. I’ll not long not be able to see my hook in front of one good eye.

CONTESSA
We sail tonight, Captain, or you will not be paid. Or worse.

CAPTAIN SALT
We’ll sail. I sailed every sea in every weather, There’s naught the sea has to afear me.

Car pulls up. Various car doors.

PROFESSOR
Unhand me! If I were just forty years younger …

CONTESSA
You took your time. Is Crash taken care of?

KASPAR
Oh, most assuredly. Haha! Hahaha!

GLENN
You murdering animal! I swear Crash will be avenged!

CONTESSA
Excuse me just one moment … Avenged? Murdered?

KASPAR
I have rid the Reich of a bothersome enemy.

Load slap.

KASPAR, enraged
No woman strikes me!

CONTESSA
How? What have you done?

KASPAR
I left him tied up with his idiot sidekick.

BUDDY
Hey! That’s not mm mmm mmf!

His mouth has clearly been covered.

CARSTAIRS & CRASH, together
Ssssh!

KASPAR
Tied to a bomb. I wanted them to experience exquisite fear. I wanted them to sit, helpless, as every raw short breath scratched in their constricted throats, hope obliterated by crushing doom as the burning fuse scratched a line of flame and smoke across the final minute of the final hour of the final day of the calendar of their miserable, misguided and misbegotten lives.

CONTESSA
You don’t get out much, do you?

KASPAR
You mock me!

CONTESSA
If my beloved Crash is dead then I will do worse than that after our mission is complete! I will teach you such pain …

KASPAR
I wrote the book on pain! And the foreword!

BUDDY
Gee! That sounds like a good book!

CARSTAIRS & CRASH, together
Ssssh!

CAPTAIN SALT
Missy! Fog be rolling in thick now, like a pea soup of death!

CONTESSA
We will settle this later. In the mean time … the mouse …

GLENN
What do you want, you perfumed trollop!

CONTESSA
Do you know what I cannot understand?

GLENN, innocently
The difference between a brassier and a serving tray?

CONTESSA
Crash’s endless infatuation with you. It eats at me like a foul cancer to know that he would only be with me to save you, to know that the passion I forced from him was truly yours.

GLENN
It was?

CONTESSA
I’ve no doubt that it was your name on his lips as he bravely and handsomely met his maker.

GLENN, not listening
Both times?

CONTESSA
We will never meet his like again.

GLENN, getting tearful now
No. No, we won’t.

CONTESSA
And do you know what else Crash was, little mouse?

GLENN
What?

Pistol hammer is pulled.

CONTESSA
The only thing keeping you alive.

CARSTAIRS
No! Wait!

CARSTAIRS leaps into action.

KASPAR
Carstairs!

Loud thump.

Ow! What was that for!

CARSTAIRS, a bit OTT
Come on. Crash! We can take these bounders!

CONTESSA, catching on
You’re telling me Crash is alive!

GLENN
Thank you, God!

CARSTAIRS
Damn you woman, yes!

KASPAR
Ernst! Hans! Modo! Spread out and look for them!

CONTESSA
What happens now, Carstairs?

CARSTAIRS
You’ve got the gun, Contessa, as anyone can see. You tell me.

CONTESSA
Ah. I see. I think we will have a little discussion, you and I … Please, onto the boat.

BUDDY
It’s a ship, not a mm mmmf!

CRASH, sotto voice
Ssh! And quick!

Creaking.

Into this crate!

Crate slams.

KASPAR
Curses! Nothing can be seen in this fog!

ACHMED
Heh heheheh. Captain. The crew needs to finish loading,

CAPTAIN SALT
Missy, the tide is like a woman, see – cruel and unforgiving, an empty promise of everything you want and nothing you need, and she won’t be kept waiting, not for nothing.

CONTESSA
Very well. After you, Carstairs.

PROFESSOR
If your young friend is alive, mayhap he may rescue us.

GLENN
He’ll find a way, Professor. Whatever else has happened here, I’ve learned to hope again.

MODO
You really do love him …

CAPTAIN SALT
Achmed?

ACHMED, yelling
Load up, lads! Heh heheheheh! Everybody onboard!

Creaking and noise into segue music.


ACT TWO SCENE FOUR

BUDDY, singing
De Camptown ladies sing this song,
Doo-da, Doo-da

CRASH
Buddy …

BUDDY, unhearing, happily alone in his own little Buddyverse …
De Camptown racetrack's two miles long
Oh, de doo-da day
I went down South with my hat caved in,

CRASH, more insistent
Buddy …

BUDDY
Doo-da, doo-da
I came back North with a pocket full of tin-

CRASH, sharp
Buddy!

BUDDY
Aw geez! What’s the matter, Crash?

CRASH
Buddy, that song you’ve been singing …

BUDDY
Just trying to keep our spirits up.

CRASH
You’ve been singing it … for three days …

BUDDY
Just trying to keep our minds off the hunger and the thirst. I’ll bet you weren’t thinking about the hunger and the thirst just then, were you?

CRASH
No … I wasn’t …

BUDDY
Maybe another song?

CRASH
Please, Buddy, no.

BUDDY
Oh.

CRASH
I don’t know how long it’ll take to get to Cairo but if we spend any more time in this darkened crate we’ll go insane.

BUDDY
You don’t have to worry about me, Crash. I’m just peachy.

Creaking noise.

The crate!

MODO
Masters.

CRASH
Who are you?

MODO
A friend. Here.

CRASH
What’s in this bag?

MODO
Many things. Some food, some wine. There are fresh clothes. Captain Salt took on a lot of new crew in Paris, so you should be able to move about as long as you’re careful.

CRASH
I … I don’t know what to say …

MODO
Say you’ll shower.

CRASH
Oh. Right. Good point …

MODO
Glenn loves you and I worship her. I can’t stay here long. The Contessa will miss me …

CRASH
How did you know we were here?

MODO
I have spent my life in darkened, misty cellars, my friend, and have excellent night vision. I saw you climb into that crate back on the Paris dock as clear as day … but we took on a lot of cargo there. If it had not been for your friend’s melodious singing I may not have found you.

BUDDY
You hear that, Crash? My singing saved us!

CRASH
Yeah. I heard.

BUDDY, singing again
Oh, de Camptown ladies sing this song,
Doo-da, Doo-da
De mm mmm mmmf!

Crash has obviously shut him up.

CRASH
We’re safe now, Buddy. All right. We lay low until we hit Cairo, then we grab Glenn, the totem, the Prof and Carstairs.

MODO
There’s something you must know! Listen! Quickly! I can’t risk coming down here again!

CONTESSA, a bit distant
Modo?

MODO
Blast!

BUDDY, singing
Gwin to run all night
Gwin to run all day
I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag-

CRASH
Buddy!

CONTESSA, closer
Modo! Where are you?

MODO
I can’t stay! Take care! I’ll get word to Glenn!

Quick footsteps off.

BUDDY
What a neat guy!

CRASH
Yes. Open the bag, Buddy, I’m famished.

BUDDY
Wow! There’s tons in here! Bread, cheese. Candles. Some playing cards.

CRASH
Our new friend’s a thoughtful man.

BUDDY
And …

Total awe.

Aw Geez!

CRASH
What is it?

BUDDY
A harmonica!

CRASH
Sweet Jesus …

Musical segue.


ACT TWO SCENE FIVE

Distant sea.

MODO
Mistress. I have your breakfast.

GLENN
Thank you. You’ve been very kind to me these last few days.

MODO
I live to serve.

GLENN
I saw land this morning. Modo.

MODO
We’ll not long arrive in Cairo.

GLENN
Oh! You’ve cut my toast into little shapes!

MODO
Little soldiers. Little soldiers to look out for you and protect you when I cannot …

GLENN
You’ve put quite a lot of effort into these …

MODO
Thank you. The guns took ages.

GLENN
Of course, the scales a bit off, and they’re outfitted as cavalry, but still …

MODO
I’ll do better next time, Mistress.

GLENN
Not on my account, please. You’ve done quite enough. Where’s the milk?

MODO
Mistress.

GLENN
And some jam, if you would. Thanks awfully! I’ve come to think quite a lot of you. Modo, you know.

MODO, impossible hope dawning
You have?

GLENN
I look at you and I’m reminded of someone I once loved …

MODO, unable to believe his ears
You do? You are?

GLENN
Roger was his name. Oh, the times we had! I used to hold him in my arms and laugh and tell him that we’d be together forever!

MODO
I think … I need to sit down now …

GLENN
Oh, if only Crash were here!

MODO
He may be closer than you imagine.

GLENN
What? What do you know?

MODO
I cannot say. Please. Please, I cannot tell.

GLENN
You have to tell me!

MODO
I cannot! To know would place you in danger!

GLENN
I beg you!

MODO gasps.

What is it?

MODO
My hand! You’re holding my hand!

GLENN
Oh! I’m sorry!

MODO
No! Don’t stop!

GLENN
Tell me what you know!

MODO
Crash … is near …

GLENN
Oh, thank you!

MODO yelps.

Oh. I’m sorry. Don’t you like to be hugged?

MODO
No, no … hugging’s … fine …

HANS
Am I interrupting?

HANS sniggers.

GLENN
Don’t you chaps know to knock when you enter a room?

HANS
You have a visitor. If you can squeeze him in.

More sniggering.

CARSTAIRS
You speak to her that way again, I’ll give you a dashed beating you’ll not forget.

GLENN
Willsy!

CARSTAIRS
Fluffsy!

MODO
Oh. I suppose we’d best be off …

Whispering.

Mistress! Don’t trust him!

Footsteps off. Door.

CARSTAIRS
What was that about?

GLENN
The little fellow Modo has been looking after me. He’s very protective, and I think he has a little bit of a crush on me. He reminds me of Roger, actually.

CARSTAIRS
Roger! I haven’t thought of Roger for years … but I didn’t come here to talk about Roger.

GLENN
I suppose not.

CARSTAIRS
It’s a pretty pickle we’re in right now.

GLENN
I’m surprised they’ve kept you alive.

CARSTAIRS
The Contessa and the German fellow must still think I’m useful.

GLENN
That’s good. I’d hate for anything to happen to you. I … still care about you.

CARSTAIRS
And I still love you Glenn!

GLENN
Oh Willsy!

CARSTAIRS
Oh Fluffsy!

GLENN
Oh no!

CARSTAIRS
Oh yes!

GLENN
No! No, no!

CARSTAIRS
No, Glenn! Yes!

GLENN
No, Willsy! No! No, no, no!

CARSTAIRS
And is that your final word?

GLENN
Yes.

CARSTAIRS
Is it Crash?

GLENN
Yes. No. Oh, I don’t know. We’re different people now, Willsy. Don’t you see?

CARSTAIRS
I only see the single object of my desire since I was but a child. Your perfect lips. Your perfect eyes.

GLENN
It’s not you, Willsy. It’s me.

CARSTAIRS
What does that mean?

GLENN
I have no idea. Please, Willsy. Please leave me to my thoughts and my eggy soldiers. It can never be.

CARSTAIRS
And if there were no Crash ..?

GLENN
I’m sorry, Willsy. I’m sorry …

Musical Segue.


ACT TWO SCENE SIX

BUDDY
Okay Crash … what are we looking for?

CRASH
The totem, Buddy. Remember? If I know the Contessa she’ll want it to keep it safe … I can’t imagine any place safer than her cabin. Right?

BUDDY giggles like a goon.

What?

BUDDY
Ladies’ things … all this silk and satin and bows and lace …

CRASH
Well, that’s the problem with the Contessa, Buddy … You see, she thinks she can use her feminine wiles to get what she wants, and I suppose she does, but it’s never going to make her happy. In her heart I guess she just wants what any American woman really wants – a home, a husband, kids, an automatic washing machine, maybe even a job – secretarial maybe, nothing too taxing. Instead, she’s trapped in a prison made of these …

BUDDY giggles again.

What?

BUDDY
You’re touching her ladies’ things!

Door latch.

CRASH
Quick! Behind this beautifully and elaborately painted Chinese silk screen!

Footsteps.

KASPAR
Captain Salt informs me that soon we will dock.

CONTESSA
Soon enough. We will need a guide.

KASPAR
I will arrange it as soon as we disembark.

CONTESSA
Good.

KASPAR
You know … You are a very beautiful woman. Contessa.

CONTESSA
And you are a ruthless and devious man.

KASPAR
Thank you. A man like me and a woman like you could accomplish a great deal together. I have much to offer you …

CONTESSA
Why, Von Kruger … What are you suggesting?

KASPAR
Kaspar, please. May I call you Francesca? Your hair is so very beautiful, like a raven’s wing … your lips so full … you are magnificent. Each night I sleep here I dream of your soft milk skin against mine, and I suspect that you feel the same way. You have been with many men, I know, but none has touched you.

CONTESSA
One has.

KASPAR
Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, Honourary Professor of Agriculture at the University of Wisconsin and inventor of the PogoKart, racing fun on springs!

CONTESSA
None other.

KASPAR
Accursed Morgan!

CONTESSA
One man worth loving. I am desired by many, but desire only one, one who has made me dream of things I never even knew I wanted before – a home, a husband, children, an automatic washing machine, perhaps even a job – secretarial maybe, nothing too taxing.

KASPAR
You would not be with me?

CONTESSA
To get what I wanted I would. But understand – To get what I wanted I would be with any man, and that is why I cannot have the one man I truly want.

BUDDY
Aw geez!

CRASH
Ssssh!

BUDDY
That’s so sad!

KASPAR
I want your love.

CONTESSA
All I could offer you would be a transaction. And, Von Kruger, you have nothing I want.

Door knock.

KASPAR
What is it?

ERNST
We have brought the Prisoner as you ordered.

KAPEK
You are animals! Animals!

KASPAR
Excellent, excellent.

Claps hands.

Leave us.

Door.

BUDDY, sotto voice
Hey, its just Von Kruger and the Contessa! We can take ‘em!

CRASH, sotto voice
No! I want to hear this …

KASPAR
Old fool. You are alive for one reason and one reason only. This!

Unearthly music.

KAPEK
Magnificent! But wait! This is a forgery!

Music abruptly halts.

CONTESSA
It is a flawless plaster copy of the totem, Professor Kapek.

KASPAR
The original is locked in my cabin, and there it will remain. So, talk old man!

Music.

KAPEK
Listen now, and listen well, to this dark legend handed down from generation to generation, of a time of dust, and death, and kings. Mighty was Tuhk An Khum, first Nile King to have united the tribes of Egypt –

KASPAR
We know this! We know all about that!

KAPEK
Oh.

KASPAR
We dock within the hour. You have that long to decipher the runes.

KAPEK
One hour! It could take months! Years!

KASPAR
Let me explain this in another fashion … You have the rest of your life-

KAPEK
Oh, well, in that case …

KASPAR
Which, if you do not perform this little task, will last for approximately one hour.

KAPEK
Oh. I will not help you. I am an old man. I’ve lived a long life and do not fear death. I may be frail and decrepit and require the toilet eight times a night but I have the young strong heart of a man of sixty. I laugh at you!

KASPAR
That is … unfortunate.

KAPEK
I laugh at you. Ha! Ha ha!

Slap.

Ow! Strike me all you will. I will not help you.

KASPAR
If you will not help me then we will kill the Fairweather girl.

CONTESSA
We will not.

KASPAR
I am sick of your interference!

CONTESSA
This is my operation, Von Kruger. While Crash lives, Glenn Fairweather lives.

KASPAR
Crash Morgan is an ocean away! We do not need her! (sotto) And she has spurned me. She will suffer.

CONTESSA
You do not know him! Glenn Fairweather is the only hold we have over him!

KASPAR
If Crash crosses us again he will die!

CONTESSA
He will not!

KASPAR
I will kill him myself!

CONTESSA
Like you killed him in Paris?

KASPAR
He … he … I … he got lucky! Ooooh! (calls) Hans! Ernst!

Door.

HANS & ERNST, together
Ja wohl!

KASPAR
Take the Contessa to Carstair’s cabin! Confine them both!

CONTESSA
“ Take”?

KASPAR
You are no longer in charge. Your childish infatuation with Morgan endangers our mission.

CONTESSA
You would dare?

KASPAR
All are expendable in the service of the Reich!

Snap fingers.

Take her away!

Footsteps.

CONTESSA
You will regret this, Von Kruger! I swear!

Door slam.

KASPAR, to himself
If she will not give me what I want, I will take the next best thing …

KAPEK
So. The jackals fight amongst themselves. This is why you will never win.

KASPAR
Fifty nine minutes, old man. Fifty nine minutes or you die with Glenn Fairweather’s blood on your gnarled hands …

Door.

KAPEK
I have no choice … That my life’s work has come to this …

CRASH
Professor!

KAPEK
Crash Morgan! Do my tired and dusty old eyes deceive me?

BUDDY
Aw geez.

KAPEK
But how ..?

CRASH
No time, Prof. Okay …we’ve got to get you, Glenn and Carstairs out of here, and we got to get the Scarab!

BUDDY
Why?

CRASH, ignoring him
No doubt Von Kruger has the Scarab kept in a wall safe

KAPEK
I am also a Doctor of chemistry. I can synthesise a crude dynamite analogue from household products – bleach, soda and salt.

CRASH
Great! That’s cooking with gas!

BUDDY
Why do we need it?

KAPEK, ignoring him
Of course, I will also need a series of lab quality alembics, graded carbon filters, a pressure chamber and, oh, three weeks?

CRASH
Okay …

BUDDY, more insistent
Crash?

CRASH, irritated
What is it, Buddy?

Unearthly music.

BUDDY
What about this?

KAPEK
Of course! I need only the copy!

CRASH
Okay here’s the plan … we need a diversion …

Musical segue.


ACT TWO SCENE SEVEN

Clanking and hissing.

BUDDY
Engine room … check. Lighted rags in a pool of water …

Glugging.

Pool of water, check. Lighted match.

Match strikes.

Check.

Whoomph!

Lots of smoke.

Buddy starts coughing.

Check.

Crackling of flame.

Why is the water burning?

Slosh of can picked up. Buddy reads.

Gas … o … line …

ACHMED
You. Heh heheheh heh.

BUDDY
Aw geez …

Musical segue.


ACT TWO SCENE EIGHT

Distant shouting. Crunching noises.

CRASH
Glenn! Glenn!

GLENN & CONTESSA, together
Crash! Professor Kapek!

CRASH
Are you okay?

GLENN
I’m so glad to see you. I now know why you did what you did.

CONTESSA
Twice.

GLENN
Shut up. I forgive you, Crash.

CRASH
It’s all right Glenn. I forgave myself a long time ago.

GLENN
Oh Crash!

CRASH
Oh Glenn!

Music swells.

CONTESSA, to herself
Why can he never be mine?

GLENN
What’s going on? What’s all that shouting?

KAPEK
Our young friend Buddy has faked a fire as a diversion.

Footsteps runs past, flame crackles, a crewman screaming,
then a splash and a hiss! Noise.

CONTESSA
“ Faked” a fire?

GLENN
Crash! You gave Buddy matches?

CRASH
We don’t have time for that now!

Running footsteps.

MODO
Miss Fairweather! Mistress!

CRASH
You!

MODO
You’re responsible for this!

CRASH
Let’s not get into that! Modo! Can you get the ladies and the Professor off this boat?

MODO
It’s a ship.

CRASH
I know it’s a ship!

MODO
Yes.

CRASH
I’m going after Carstairs.

MODO
Why?

CRASH
What do you mean, why?

MODO
Well, he’s-

Cracking and a flare of flame.

CRASH
You’ve all got to get out of here! Now!

MODO
All right.

CRASH
Find a guy called Hamish Farouk. And Glenn, take this!

MODO
Those are nice.

CONTESSA
Those are mine!

CRASH
Oh, sorry. I meant this!

Unearthly music.

CRASH
Go!

Musical segue.


ACT TWO SCENE NINE

Burning noise is louder.

CRASH
Carstairs? Carstairs? Where are you?

VON KRUGER
You!

Loud thump.

CRASH
Ugh! Von Kruger!

VON KRUGER
You did this!

CRASH
Guilty as charged!

VON KRUGER
My one satisfaction is that you will never get the Totem. It is locked in my cabons safe and will be lost with the ship.

CRASH
Fortunately we do have the copy you very kindly made.

VON KRUGER
You ...!

Huge creaking noise.

The ship!

Flaming crunch.

CRASH
Von Kruger!

VON KRUGER
My hand! Trapped beneath a burning beam! Oh, the pain!

CRASH
I can’t leave you to burn to death!

CARSTAIRS
Step away from him.

CRASH
Carstairs! Put that gun down! Von Kruger’s no threat to anyone!

CARSTAIRS
I’m not pointing it at him, you idiot.

CRASH
What?

VON KRUGER starts to laugh.

CARSTAIRS
I’ve been working with the Nazis all along.

CRASH
But why?

CARSTAIRS
You know why. With you out of the way, Glenn would be mine, but it couldn’t be by my hand. She’d have known. But you’ve ruined everything.

CRASH
Good God, man! I can’t believe it! I thought you were a soldier and a patriot!

CARSTAIRS
Its not that I love my country or my duty any less, Morgan. It’s that I love Glenn more. Can you say as much?

Musical segue. Distant crackling. Rowing, then clunk.

MODO
We made it!

CAPTAIN SALT
Everyone out of the lifeboat!

CONTESSA
The whole ship is ablaze!

CAPTAIN
My beautiful, beautiful ship …

Musical segue.

CRASH
We’ve got to get out of here! We’ll all die!

CARSTAIRS
Don’t you understand? Without her I’m already dead.

VON KRUGER starts to laugh again.

VON KRUGER
Our demise will be a small price to pay to rid the world of you, Morgan.

CARSTAIRS
Goodbye Crash. We’ll see you in hell

Gunshot. Musical segue. Gigantic explosion.

GLENN
Crash! No!

End music.

NARRATOR
Is it curtains for Crash and Buddy? Have they be blown to smithereens by Von Kruger’s bomb? Find out in the third exciting episode of Crash Morgan and the Curse of the Lost Totem – The Pyramid of Death!


INTERVAL


ACT THREE SCENE ONE

Music plays.

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Curse of the Lost Totem, Episode Three – The Pyramid of Death!, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, Honourary Professor of Agriculture at the University of Wisconsin and inventor of the PogoKart, racing fun on springs, and his sidekick, Buddy Brannigan, have stowed away on a ship bound for Cairo in pursuit of the stolen Scarab of Khum Ah Suar and Crash’s abducted love Glenn Fairweather of the London English Evening Post. In an attempt rescue the Lost Totem, Glenn, Willoughy Carstairs, Crash’s rival for Glenn’s affections and the wise and elderly Professor Kapek from the clutches of Von Kruger and the deliciously evil Contessa De D’Urbervilles. Buddy inadvertently sets the ship ablaze before being apprehended by the ships First Mate Achmed, while Crash, held at gunpoint in Von Kruger’s blazing cabin, has made a terrible discovery about Carstairs …

Musical segue.

CRASH
We’ve got to get out of here! We’ll all die!

CARSTAIRS
Don’t you understand? Without her I’m already dead.

VON KRUGER starts to laugh again.

VON KRUGER
Our demise will be a small price to pay to rid the world of you, Morgan.

CARSTAIRS
Goodbye Crash. We’ll see you in hell

Gunshot.

Aaargh!

VON KRUGER
What?

CRASH
You! The first mate!

BUDDY
Crash! He’s on our side!

ACHMED
Come! Heh heheh! We have no time!

CARSTAIRS
My shoulder … Just … wounded …

ACHMED
Heh! We have no time!

Footsteps running.

CARSTAIRS
Wait! … wait …

More footsteps running.

VON KRUGER
Oh, that’s just great …

Gigantic explosion. Musical segue.


ACT THREE SCENE TWO

Bar noise. Glenn is sobbing uncontrollably.

MODO
Please, Mistress … Please don’t cry …

GLENN
I can’t believe he’s gone.

KAPEK
It will be all right. Here. Take my handkerchief.

Snotty nose blow.

No, you can keep it.

GLENN
We must complete the mission. It’s what he would have wanted.

Footsteps.

CONTESSA
Professor, Glenn … I want you to meet Hamish Farouk.

HAMISH
All right, effendis, how are you doing?

GLENN
Er … well, thank you … Glenn Fairweather of the London English Evening Post …

KAPEK
I am Professor Kapek, and this is Modo.

HAMISH
Sweet Jesus, you’re ugly!

MODO
You’re no oil painting yourself.

HAMISH
Well, no, but its not the tent, its what’s under the flaps. You know what I’m saying? By Allah, it’s hot! I’m sweating like a camel and no mistake!

GLENN
You don’t sound very, er … local …

HAMISH
Well, my Ma came out here as a wee slip and then she met my Dad, who runs a local Carpet
Dealership, and there you go, it’s a story as old as the dunes.

CONTESSA
Mister Farouk here was the Guide for the Huntington Expedition

HAMISH
Good job it was, and all. Pay was great. Just whack out the old “Oh no! I can’t go in there! It’s a horrible curse!” line and they’re throwing money, I can tell you. It’s great.

KAPEK
What can you tell us about this!

Unearthly music.

HAMISH, shifty
Never seen it before in my life.

CONTESSA
We know different.

HAMISH
Well, you know better than me, hen. Because I know nothing.

KAPEK
Really?

Music.

Listen now, and listen well, to this dark legend handed down from generation to generation, of a time of dust, and death, and kings. Mighty was Tuhk An Khum, first Nile King to have united the tribes of Egypt –

GLENN
He knows, Professor.

KAPEK
Oh.

GLENN
We know you stole the Scarab and supplied it to Monsieur Giraud. We don’t care about that. We’re not police.

HAMISH
I know that – two hens, their great great Granda and Happy the Hunchback here? There’s plain clothes and then there’s going too far, you know what I’m saying?

CONTESSA
I speak your language, Mr. Farouk.

HAMISH
Aye?

CONTESSA
And in this particular dialect “I don’t know” usually means, “How much?” Am I right?

HAMISH
It could be, aye.

GLENN
We haven’t got any money.

HAMISH
That’s not going to help.

CONTESSA
I can pay in kind.

HAMISH
Oh aye?

CONTESSA, super sexy
And I can be very, very kind.

HAMISH
Oh aye! That’ll do nicely! I’ll see you all at sunrise tomorrow at the market.

Chair.

CONTESSA
We’ll be there.

Footsteps.

GLENN
I’m sorry. I don’t remember you being invited.

CONTESSA
What?

GLENN
It wasn’t that long ago you were going to kill me, remember?

CONTESSA
You need me.

GLENN
For what? To double-cross us?

CONTESSA
With Crash gone my life is empty. Perhaps by completing his final mission I can atone for my part in that, and know that, after his death, I might go some way towards becoming a woman he could have loved. He has touched me in a way I have never known.

GLENN
He was fine and strong, an inspiration. He touched me too.

KAPEK
He was noble and brave. He touched us all.

MODO
Speak for yourself.

CONTESSA
Perhaps now the memory of Crash will unite us. Perhaps now, we two extraordinary women, divided by love and life and circumstance, can finally come together. Perhaps, after all, we might finally become … friends.

GLENN
No, I don’t think so.

Musical segue.


ACT THREE SCENE THREE

Splashing followed by a deep drawing of breath.

VON KRUGER
Alive! Thank you, God! Thank you …

Splashing footsteps.

My hand! Burned … nothing more than a claw … I will return, Crash Morgan …
I will return …

Maniacal laughter. Musical segue.


ACT THREE SCENE FOUR

The wind blows across the desert sands.

ACHMED
Heh heheh heh! The sands are angry. We have no choice but to camp here for the night.

BUDDY
Aw geez …

CARSTAIRS
How far are we behind them?

ACHMED
A day. Perhaps two. Heh heheheheh. Hamish Farouk plays the fool but is the finest Guide in the desert. Fortunately they will be forced to go to the pyramid of Khum Ah Suar to complete the cipher and find the lost Tomb of Tuhk An Khum, where we may travel directly. Heheh!

CRASH
And Glenn, the Contessa and the Prof are with him?

ACHMED
So I am lead to understand. I hear things. I see things. I see and hear things. Heh heheheh!

CRASH
Thank God they’re alive. We can’t thank you enough, Achmed.

ACHMED
Heh heheheh! It is I who should thank you. With the Pacific Queen sunk the Totem I have sought so hard since its theft is gone from the world of men and we need only destroy the copy made by Von Kruger and the Contessa.

CARSTAIRS
And why should we do that? Do you know what riches await us?

ACHMED
Yes. Heh heheh. And what horrors! They call me mad, you know!

CRASH
I can’t believe that.

ACHMED
Heh heheheh! In each generation a man of my Tribe is chosen as the Guardian of the Undying, all the secret routes and ways revealed. Heh heheheh! It is my honour and my curse to keep the world safe from the ravages of Tuhk An Khum.

CRASH
Darn Tuhk An Khum. I just want to save Glenn.

CARSTAIRS
Yes. Yes, of course.

BUDDY
So, who chooses you? Is it like a Lottery?

ACHMED
It comes as a dream. Heh heheh.

BUDDY
Is it a nice dream?

ACHMED
Heh heheheheheh. No. It is a compulsion to travel deep into the desert, there to discovery the lost pyramids and their secrets. When the dream one day came while I was eating wild mushrooms I was compelled first to paint my tent black, then to abandon my tribe, to steal a camel and supplies from my own brother. Heh heheheheh. I still bear the terrible shame.

CARSTAIRS
We’ve all done terrible, terrible things we’ve come to regret, Achmed.

CRASH
Yeah. Yeah, I guess we do.

BUDDY
Does tearing the “Do Not Remove” tag off of my mattress count?

ACHMED
This very watering hole belongs to my Tribe. Heh heheh. It is forbidden now for me to rest here.

BUDDY
Aw geez. Still, what are the chances of them turning up in the middle of a sandstorm?

Knives drawn and gun hammers cocked.

TARIQ
Infidels!

ACHMED, weakly
Heh heheheheh.

CRASH
Oh, that’s just great …

Musical segue into distant winds and crackle of fire.

TARIQ
Please sit. Let us sit around the fire and talk as men.

Claps hands.

Tea for my guests!

CRASH
You’re a gracious host, Tariq.

TARIQ
You honour me.

BUDDY
Hey! Great tent!

TARIQ
It is made from the hair of our beasts of burden. We have a saying, Mr. Morgan, “The camel provides.”

Claps hands.

Bring milk for the tea!

BUDDY
Aw geez. You got cows?

TARIQ
The camel provides, Mr. Brannigan.

CRASH
You’re very generous. I’ll just have water, thanks.

TARIQ
The desert is harsh. Our laws are hard but our bounty is wide. While you sit with me in my tent you are as my family, be you my blackest enemy.

Claps hands.

Marshmallows for my guests!

BUDDY
Aw geez!

CRASH
We appreciate that. Listen, your brother-

TARIQ
My mother had two sons, but I have no brother.

BUDDY
No! Wait! I can do this one … Is he your sister?

CRASH
It’s a metaphor, Buddy. We need your brother, Mr. Tariq.

TARIQ
And you may have him. And a bag in which to carry the pieces.

CRASH
Please, Tariq … Can’t you find it in your heart to give your brother a second chance?

Hail to the chief.

Let me tell you about the land I come from, and its not a perfect land. Sometimes its hard and its people are like people anywhere, good and bad, but the thing that makes this land special, kissed by God himself, is the idea you can start again and make it all good. Do you hear? Sure, your brother’s fallen, but that’s just his God-given chance to get right back up again and yours to help him stand. Do you understand, Tariq? That the best chance is the second chance and the best slate is the slate wiped clean and the opportunity to stand before your maker at the end of it all and say, “I may have lived my life badly sometimes, I may have lived as a liar and a cheat but, by God and heaven above, I died an American!”

TARIQ
You speak beautifully, Mr. Morgan, but you waste your words. They are like stones cast into the great empty plains.

The fire crackles.

CARSTAIRS
I’ve always wondered – The fire: where do you find peat in the middle of the desert?

TARIQ
The camel provides.

CARSTAIRS
Oh, right …

BUDDY
These marshmallows are great!

TARIQ
I have no quarrel with you, but if choose to stand by my brother, then, when you leave …

Makes throat cut noise.

CRASH
Ah …

BUDDY
Excuse me, Mr. Tariq? Where I come from -

Makes throat cut noise.

And dragging your finger across your throat means, well –

Makes throat cut noise.

TARIQ
Yes.

BUDDY
Well I was wondering, what with you being from a another country and another culture and all that stuff, if just maybe –

Makes throat cut noise.

Means, I don’t know, maybe something else? Something where we don’t get horribly killed?

TARIQ
It means -

Makes throat cut noise.

BUDDY
Oh.

Weakly makes throat cut noise.

CRASH
There must be some way we can save Achmed …

TARIQ
There is but one way.

CRASH
I knew it!

TARIQ
One of you may absolve him of his crime by undergoing the Scorpion Rite!

BUDDY
Oh heck! Crash’ll do that!

TARIQ
The challenge is accepted!

Murmurs of approval.

CRASH
Excuse me just one second …

Sotto voice.

What are you doing, Buddy?

BUDDY
Geez, Crash! These guys have fancy names for everything! It’s not real scorpions, I’ll bet! You probably just have to drink some sort of icky drink and say how sorry everyone all is in ten-dollar words or somesuch!

TARIQ
The ceremony will commence at sunset tomorrow.

Claps his hands.

Prepare the scorpion!

BUDDY
Aw geez …

Musical segue.


ACT THREE SCENE FIVE

HAMISH
Behold the lost pyramid of Khum Ah Suar!

GLENN
It’s magnificent!

HAMISH
Seen one, seen ‘em all pet. Fat at the bottom, pointy at the top and then, just when you think it can’t get any better than that, it doesn’t.

CONTESSA
It’s in ruins.

MODO tearfully sniffs.

MODO
It reminds me of home.

KAPEK
I need the final cipher. These hieroglyphs around the Scarab’s edge form a set of directions, if you will.

HAMISH
Turn left at the third dune, keep going before you die of thirst kind of thing?

KAPEK
Er, yes. But without a context, why, they mean nothing.

HAMISH
There’s a frieze inside the expedition couldn’t make heads nor tails of.

KAPEK
That’s marvellous! We have to go inside!

Footsteps off.

MODO
Are you all right, Mistress?

GLENN
It’s so very foreboding.

MODO
Would you like me to hold your hand?

GLENN
Good heavens no.

MODO
Oh.

CONTESSA
It will be dark soon enough. Come along.

Segue. Echoing footsteps.

MODO
Is this it?

KAPEK
No, that’s not it.

MODO
Oh. What does it say then?

KAPEK
It says,

Music.

Listen now, and listen well, to this dark legend handed down from generation to generation -

HAMISH
Over here!

KAPEK
Yes! Yes! This is it! This is the cipher! I’ll have this translated in no time at all!

GLENN gasps.

What is it, Glenn?

GLENN
These paintings!

KAPEK
Let’s see, that would be the image of Bathwata, lost Bride of Tuhk An Khum … Good Lord!

MODO
But it’s … it’s …

CONTESSA
It cannot be!

CONTESSA & GLENN together
It’s not possible.

KAPEK
That’s quite astounding!

MODO
It’s just a co-incidence.

HAMISH
Is it now? I’ve seen some pretty weird doings out here in the desert … alright, I was off my trolley for half of them, but still …

CONTESSA
We can’t turn back. Modo’s right. It is just a coincidence that one of us happens to look exactly like the millennia dead princess Bathwata. We press on regardless.

HAMISH
Aye look! It’s got the little mole and everything!

GLENN
You’re not helping.

Musical segue.


ACT THREE SCENE SIX

Drums beat, and stop. There is only the desert wind.

TARIQ
We are gathered here at this time, at this place, to test the courage of a man who would right an ancient wrong.

BUDDY
Aw jeez …

ACHMED
Heh heheheh. Brother, do not do this. There is more at stake here than our tired old fight.

TARIQ
What matters the world without honour?

CRASH
It’s all right, Achmed. I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do.

ACHMED
You are a brave man. Heh heheh. You have bought my life with your own, and I will not forget. Well, I’ll try. Sometimes, my memory, she is not so good, you know?

CARSTAIRS
Don’t worry Crash. I’ll look after Glenn.

ACHMED
Who’s Glenn?

CRASH
I’ll bet you will. Let’s get this over with.

TARIQ
Very well.

Clap hands.

Bring the scorpion!

Footsteps. Box opens. Scorpion hissy noise.

BUDDY
You’re in luck, Crash! It’s only a baby!

TARIQ
It is a Desert Redclaw, the deadliest of insects. Each sting has the power to slay a dozen men.

ACHMED
It is certain death. In my life time no man has taken the test and survived. Heh heheheheheh. It’s very sad.

CARSTAIRS
That is bad news.

CRASH
So, what do I do now?

TARIQ
Open wide.

CRASH
What?

ACHMED
You must take the deadly creature into your own body, and it, and Allah, will judge you.

TARIQ
Open your mouth.

Drums building to a crescendo and stop.

(as if coaxing food into a child’s mouth) And into the little tunnel …

CRASH, with a mouth full of scorpion.
All right. What now?

TARIQ
And now?

Claps hands.

Bring the trampoline!

CRASH, BUDDY & CARSTAIRS, together
What!?

TARIQ
Just joking. We’re done.

Spitting and scuttling noises.

Would you like a drink?

CRASH
I don’t know. What’s in it?

TARIQ laughs.

TARIQ
Today I have gained two brothers, one old, one new. It is good, Achmed, to greet you again as kin.

ACHMED
It is a great day. Heh heheheh.

BUDDY
Aw, that’s just swell!

ACHMED
I wish I could stay, brother. Heh hehehehehe. We have important work, Crash and I.

TARIQ
Tomorrow. Tomorrow you will leave us, unburdened of your past. Tonight we celebrate!

Party kicks off. Whooping and general fun.

CRASH
Oh Glenn, I’m coming! Just you hold on …

Musical segue.


ACT THREE SCENE SEVEN

Footsteps, then stop.

CONTESSA
So this is the Lot Tomb of Tuhk An Khum the Undying!

MODO
They all look the same, if you ask me …

HAMISH
Oh aye. You’re not wrong there.

MODO
Oh! You’re shivering!

GLENN
It’s all right … It’s a little cold, that’s all …

KAPEK
We must press further!


Footsteps again. Musical segue.

GLENN
A sarcophagus!

KAPEK
But nothing else. The chamber is empty.

CONTESSA
I don’t understand? Where are all the riches? My understanding was that Great Kings were buried with their hordes for the afterlife?

HAMISH
Well, maybe .. and this is just a wee thought, and all …

KAPEK
Yes. Perhaps he didn’t pack because he wasn’t planning on staying.

A cold wind screams through the chamber, carrying a distant laugh.

HAMISH
As a matter of fact, no. I was thinking maybe the good loot’s in the coffin.

Unpacking noises.

Where’s that jemmy? You wee scamp …

More unearthly noises.

CONTESSA
What was that?

HAMISH
It wasn’t me. Ah! There you are, you wee beauty!

Scraping of stone. Exhalation of breath.

KAPEK
Oh my Lord!

Glenn screams.

TUHK
I … live …

KAPEK
Tuhk An Khum! Run, ladies! Run!

Stone slamming noise.

CONTESSA
Trapped!

Movement noises.

GLENN
Rising out of the sand! What are they!

KAPEK
Mummified guards!

MODO
I’ll protect you Mistress!

TUHK
I … live …

HAMISH
Aye? Not for long, you great bandaged nancy!

Grunt of an attack, wet crunching noise.

Oh aye. That hurts …

TUHK
I … feed …

Wet slurping noise. HAMISH screams.


GLENN
Horrible! Horrible!

TUHK
Who … disturbs … my long sleep ..?

KAPEK
Get back to the door … Modo may be able to force it open … Damn my aged infirmity!

TUHK
Who disturbs my rest?

Dragging footsteps.

Do you know whose slumber you have broken?

KAPEK
Of course!

Music.

Listen now, and listen well, to this dark legend -

TUHK
You!

MODO
Mistress!

The rumble of stone on stone.

I think … I can move this …

KAPEK
Hurry Modo!

TUHK
My love! The image of my love!

CONTESSA
Sacre bleu!

More stone noises.

MODO
It’s moving! It’s moving!

TUHK
You have returned to me …

GLENN
This is a nightmare!

Footsteps get louder. Music swells. GLENN screams.


ACT THREE SCENE EIGHT

The desert winds blow.

CRASH
Where is he ..?

ACHMED
Heh heheheheh. It was brave of your friend to scout ahead once we found that the entrance had been disturbed. Are you sure you can trust him?

CRASH
I don’t know, but Achmed - that stuff I told your brother about second chances, it wasn’t just moonshine. You got to live by what you preach.

BUDDY
Look! Someone’s coming out …

BUDDY
Aw geez! The Contessa! Let’s go!

Footsteps running.

ACHMED
Wait!

CONTESSA
Crash! Oh Crash, you’re alive! Thank God!

CRASH
Contessa? What’s going on?

CONTESSA
We have to run!

CRASH
What about Glenn and the others?

CONTESSA
Its too late for them! Too late!

Whispering and rustling.

BUDDY
Aw geez! That creepy noise!

CONTESSA
And now for us! I love you, Crash.

ACHMED
The sands move as if alive! Unless I’m seeing things again! Heh heheheh!

Explosions out of the sands.

Mummies!

BUDDY
Aw geez! It’s like an ambush!

CRASH
How did they know we were here!

Mummies moaning increases.

Overpowering … us!

ACHMED
Can’t … fight!

BUDDY
Aw … geez!

Music swells. Segue to:


ACT THREE SCENE NINE

Echoing footsteps and the moaning of mummies.

TUHK
You would escape me … my love ..?

BUDDY
Aw geez, Mister! Are you okay?

CRASH
He’s a Mummy, Buddy.

BUDDY
Oh. Oh, right.

CARSTAIRS
I recommended that Lord Tuhk let the Contessa go, at least as far as the entrance. I knew that would be enough to entice you in.

CRASH
You weasel, Carstairs! I should have left you back in Cairo.

CARSTAIRS
Well, working things through was never your strong point. was it? Maybe if you tried thinking with your head for once, instead of your enormous-

TUHK
Silence! You will not speak unless I bid it, vassal!

CARSTAIRS
My apologies, Lord. I have served you well.

TUHK
And you shall be rewarded.

CRASH
What have you told him, Carstairs?

CONTESSA
He told him everything Crash!

TUHK
I will journey to this faraway land of Austria and there I will help this Herakles Strauss complete his work. Between his science and my sorcery our Army of super zombies will be unstoppable, and the shadow of Tuhk An Khum will cover all.

ACHMED
Heh hehehheh! You are as power-crazed as the Legends say!

BUDDY
Aw geez … I don’t understand, Crash!

ACHMED
Heh! Heheh! The traitorous Carstairs here was taken while reconnoitring and has pledged his allegiance to the Evil One. I can but guess his price.

CRASH
Glenn.

CARSTAIRS
Spit spot.

CONTESSA
Do not hurt them, Lord Tuhk!

TUHK
You would spare them?

CONTESSA
I would!

TUHK
You love the burly muscled one?

CONTESSA
I do.

TUHK
He is … pleasing. But why do you not remember me, my love? Why do you not remember us?

ACHMED
Heheh! She chooses not to.

CRASH
Darn straight!

TUHK
Ah. Who dares speak so?

CRASH
Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I., inventor of the PogoKart and Kansas State Junior Spelling Bee Champion 1927!

ACHMED
Heh heheheh! And I am your appointed Guardian, Accursed Tuhk An Khum. I forget by who, but still … In another life Bathwata turned away from you. Heh heheheheh! In this life she will do the same. You live in false hope.

CRASH
Carstairs and Glenn. You and the Contessa. I bet I know two guys who went to the Prom with their sisters.

TUHK
Silence!

CONTESSA
I beg you spare them!

TUHK
And you will be mine?

CONTESSA
Yes!

CRASH
No! Maybe we can’t be together Contessa, but you deserve better than to get shacked up with this mouldy maniac! You can’t do it!

CONTESSA
I can, and I will. Accept my bargain, Great Tuhk An Khum.

TUHK
No.

CONTESSA
What? You doubt my word?

TUHK
I do not. But such a bargain would leave you forever his. It will not do.

CRASH
So we’re dead.

BUDDY
Aw geez!

TUHK
I am a merciful God.

CRASH
I know how this goes.

TUHK
Bow before me. Serve me. Live.

CRASH
We heard this all before.

TUHK
Bow before me!

CRASH
I come from a little place called America, a land under one God, and buddy – it ain’t you.

ACHMED
Heh! Heheheheh! I will serve you.

CRASH
Achmed! I thought you were a straight up guy!

ACHMED
I’m mad, not crazy! Heheheheh! I do not wish to die.

TUHK
Kneel before me, Achmed. Kiss my hand.

CRASH
Don’t do it, Achmed! Better to die a man!

TUHK
Kneel …

The sound of a blade unsheathed!

ACHMED
Heh heheheh! Die, Evil One!

Stab noise.

BUDDY
Aw geez.

TUHK
I think … you need a bigger knife …

ACHMED
Allah preserve us!

TUHK
He will not preserve you.

Music. ACHMED’s blood-curdling scream.

The blood … is the life …

CRASH
He was a good man! You’ll pay for that, Tuhk!

TUHK
I do not believe I will. Take them away!

Mummies moan.

And you!

CARSTAIRS
Yes?

TUHK
Leave us!

Footsteps

So ... at last, we are alone.

CONTESSA
What do you intend to do with me, you fiend?

TUHK
I? Nothing? Provided that this Herakles Strauss complies with my not unreasonable demands.

GLENN
I'd rather die than see him help you!

TUHK
My dear, you have mistaken me. I am not the monster you suppose me to be. I appreciate beauty when I see it, and would no more harm you now than pluck a rose, only to watch it wither in my hand.

CONTESSA
Did no-one ever tell you that a rose has thorns?

TUHK
But of course. But they serve only to make its beauty all the more ... exquisite. Would it surprise you to learn that I find you ... attractive? You are in my power and I could force a kiss from you as easily as I could have you killed ... but I choose not to.

CONTESSA
So ... what's stopping you?

TUHK
I am a man of power ... and of some refinement. I would not seize that which would more precious given freely ... your love.

CONTESSA
I'll never love you ... and besides, my heart belongs to Crash.

TUHK
Crash Morgan will soon be no more, and then ... you will learn to love me, in time.

Musical segue.


ACT THREE SCENE TEN

Straining noises.

MODO
It … won’t … move …

KAPEK
Ease off, my brave hunchbacked friend.

GLENN
You’re very brave, Modo.

MODO
Mistress.

GLENN
So like Roger – always faithful, always there for me. Here, Modo. Take this.

MODO
She gave me water …

Door scrapes open. Struggling noises.

CARSTAIRS
Get in.

CRASH
You filthy judas! If these Mummies didn’t have hold of me …

GLENN
Crash!

CRASH
Glenn!

GLENN
I love you, Crash!

MODO, to himself
If only it could be me!

GLENN
Crash! The Contessa is a reincarnation of an Ancient Egyptian Princess!

CRASH
We know, Glenn.

GLENN
The Contessa!

CRASH
Yes. Yes, we know.

GLENN
But it’s the Contessa! I mean …

CRASH
What?

GLENN
I don’t know. It’s just not how things are supposed to work. It’s like its my birthday and someone else got the presents.

MODO
You’ll always be my princess.

GLENN
Thank you, Modo.

CARSTAIRS
Most touching. Come along, Glenn. Lord Tuhk awaits us.

GLENN
I’m not going with you. What happened to the man I once loved?

CARSTAIRS
You betrayed him utterly, and I am the result. You made me. You made me, Glenn.

GLENN
I’ll never love you.

CARSTAIRS
You will. And if you will not, well, I shall possess you anyway. Take her!

The Mummies moan.

GLENN
Unhand me! Unhand me!

MODO
She loved you! Like she loved Roger and she loves me!

CARSTAIRS
Roger was her pet Labrador, you misbegotten idiot!

BUDDY
You’ll never get away with this!

CARSTAIRS
I think I shall. I’ve arranged a little farewell gift for you all. After all this time, Crash, I win. I win! How have I hated you all these years, and soon … you’ll be gone.

KAPEK
And all that you will have left to hate will be yourself.

CARSTAIRS
Goodbye. I think you’ll all understand if I don’t wish you good luck.

Stone door slams shut.

BUDDY
Aw geez …

MODO
We’re doomed.

KAPEK
With Crash and Buddy here, can’t you lift the door Modo?

MODO
This one’s much thicker. Even with Master Morgan and Master Brannigan I can’t budge it.

KAPEK
I am an old man and have lived a full life, but I fear for the world! Curse my withered age!

Hissing noise.

BUDDY
Did you just make a noise?

MODO
What are you implying?

More hissing noises.

BUDDY
There it is again!

CRASH
Look at the walls! Sliding between the cracks!

KAPEK
Those are Sand Vipers! The deadliest of desert snakes!

More hissing, getting louder!

BUDDY
Aw geez … they look kind of hungry …

MODO
We’re trapped! We’re going to die!

BUDDY
Crash!

Hissing rises to a crescendo. End music.

NARRATOR
Is it curtains for Crash and Buddy? Will they be poisoned by a sea of snakes beneath a lost Egyptian Tomb? Find out in the concluding episode of Crash Morgan and the Curse of the Lost Totem – The Creeping Fear!


1. Pepto Gleemo – the new soda flake

3. Wilkinson County – the tobacco for men

3. choccy chunks

Cheerful music

MOMMY (JO)
It's so clean!

MOMMY'S FRIEND (SALLY/NITA)
It's incredible!

LITTLE GIRL (FRAN/SIOBHAN)
Mommy! Mommy! What are you doing?

MOMMY
We're just doing the washing, sweetie.

MOMMY'S FRIEND
What are you using? Gerald's always complaining that his shirts are grey grey grey!

MOMMY
Well you can chase that grey grey grey away away away with new improved Pepto Gleamo!

MALE VOICE (KRIS/MATT)
Pepto Gleamo, with industrial strength bleach, for a natural natural white

MOMMY'S FRIEND
Gerald will be over the moon! Maybe he'll get that promotion after all!

MOMMY
You hear that, Susie? And maybe Pepto Gleamo will be even more New and Improved when you've got a husband and a house to keep!

LITTLE GIRL
But I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up.

The women laugh.

MOMMY
The things kids say!
`
Cheerful Music.

Adventurous music.

CHESTERTON (MIKE)
Well hello! I'm Chesterton Blake, who you may better know from films such as Kid Dynamo Strikes Again and The Milwaukee Seven. I'm a man of taste and refinement, and I'd like to share with you my little secret …

WOMAN (FRAN/SIOBHAN)
Oh, Chesterton …

CHESTERTON
If you want a smooth smooth smoke then you want a Wilkinson County, for that full tar flavour.

WOMAN TWO (SALLY/NITA)
You smell so rugged!

CHESTERTON
Strong and smooth … It looks like I may have some competition.

WOMAN
Oh, Chesty!

CHESTERTON
Wilkinson County.

WOMAN TWO, giggles
Oh Chesty!

The strong smooth smoke for the … Oh second thoughts, lets just keep it to ourselves, eh?

Music plays out

Crash Music.

CRASH
Hey kids! Want to eat like a hero?

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
Do we ever! Oh boy!

CRASH
Want to see my adventures rendered in chocolate crisped rice and marshmellow?

KID'S VOICE (RUSSELL)
Hey this one looks just like Silk Claw!

KIDS VOICE (IAN)
Hey, I got the Professor Weinstein!

KID'S VOICE (STEVE)
And I got …

Gasps!

The Crash Morgan Secret Decoder Ring!

CRASH
You can help me in my unending struggle against evil!

KID'S VOICE (RUSSELL)
And who knew that fighting crime would taste this great?

Laughter.

CRASH
Choccy Chunks! The nutritious chocolate and marshmallow based Breakfast cereal!


ACT FOUR SCENE ONE

Music plays.

NARRATOR
Crash Morgan and the Curse of the Lost Totem, Episode Three – The Creeping Fear!, sponsored by Choccy Chunks, the nutritious marshmallow based breakfast cereal!

Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I, inventor of the PogoKart and Kansas State Junior Spelling Bee Champion 1927 and his sidekick Buddy Brannigan have ventured into the deep desert accompanied by Willoughby Carstairs in search of the Tomb of mummified Tuhk An Khum the Undying, guided by the noble Achmed, there to seek Glenn Fairweather, the lovely yet lethal Contessa De D’Urbervilles and the decrepit archaeologist Professor Kapek, only to find that the Contessa is none other than the reluctant and amnesiac reincarnation of the still living Tuhk An Khum’s lost love Bathwata. As Tuhk An Khum, now accompanied by the abducted Glenn, the traitorous Carstairs and the unwilling Contessa seeks out the mad scientist Herakles Strauss in Austria there to create an unstoppable army of super zombies, Crash, Buddy, the hunchback Modo and the Professor find themselves imperilled once again …

Hissing noises.

CRASH
Look at the walls! Sliding between the cracks!

KAPEK
Those are Sand Vipers! The deadliest of desert snakes!

More hissing, getting louder!

BUDDY
Aw geez … they look kind of hungry …

MODO
We’re trapped! We’re going to die!

BUDDY
Crash!

Hissing rises.

CRASH
We must have something we can use! Check your pockets everyone …

KAPEK
Chalk … spare false teeth …

MODO
Pocket knife ... One precious used handkerchief …

BUDDY
Baseball cards … Harmonica …

KAPEK
Of course! The harmonica …

CRASH
What?

KAPEK
Music! We can charm the serpents with music!

CRASH
Play those blues, buddy! Play them like you never played them before!

BUDDY starts to play.

KAPEK
It’s working! They’ve stopped!

Banging.

TARIQ, muffled
Morgan! Are you in there?

CRASH
Tariq!

TARIQ, muffled
Gather my strongest warriors!

KAPEK
Hurry, man! In God’s name!

TARIQ, muffled
Heave!

Scraping of stone.

GLENN
Everyone out.

Shuffling. Door slams shut and the hissing noises stop.

CRASH
You can stop playing now, Buddy.

BUDDY stops.

BUDDY
Right you are, Crash!

KAPEK
It is a miracle!

CRASH
Tariq! What are you doing here?

TARIQ
Your words touched me. I decided to follow, to help you and my brother if I but could.

CRASH
I have bad news …

TARIQ
I know. We found Achmed’s body.

CRASH
He died bravely. I promise you his killer will be brought to justice.

TARIQ
And I will take his place as Guardian of the Lost Tomb and the Secret of Immortality. I will honour his memory.

CRASH
We have to get to Austria!

KAPEK
I will not go with you. I am an old man and would only slow you down.

BUDDY
Aw geez …

CRASH
It’s been an honour, Professor. To Austria! I have a plan …

Musical segue.


ACT FOUR SCENE TWO

An owl hoots. Laughter.

HANSEL
Come here!

ANNA
You will never catch me! No! No!

Laughter.

HANSEL
I caught you.

ANNA
That you have.

HANSEL
How beautiful you are by the moonlight, Anna!

ANNA
I love you, pumpkin.

HANSEL
I love you, my angel.

Rustling noise. Ominous music.

ANNA
Something in the bushes?

HANSEL
Ach, it is nothing. There is nothing there.

Ominous music. Rustle.

ANNA
We have wandered too close to Castle Strauss. I am afraid, my love.

HANSEL
Ssh. There is nothing to fear.

TUHK
Ahhhhh …

ANNA
Did you just say, “ahhhh”?

HANSEL
No.

TUHK
Blood … The blood is the life …

HANSEL
I don’t know about you but I’m right off the running and the laughing by moonlight right now.

TUHK
Must have blood …

ANNA
Hansel!

Huge musical sting! ANNA screams

Musical segue.


ACT FOUR SCENE THREE

Raining.

CONTESSA
This is a nightmare!

GLENN
I’m in the same boat! To think that I once loved Willsy …

CONTESSA
And I Lord Tuhk! I half remember now that past life. How I had loved him and how I had come to hate him, our love poisoned by his insatiable lust for power! To think that he will return soon, his breath stinking with the blood of the innocent …

GLENN
And every night I have to fight off Wills. It seems we actually do have a lot in common, now, after all.

CONTESSA
Perhaps we will become friends, then.

GLENN
Still no, really.

Door.

Doktor Strauss!

STRAUSS
Leave us!

GLENN
Me?

STRAUSS
Yes, You.

GLENN
It’s the Contessa you want to be alone with?

STRAUSS
Yes.

GLENN
Not me?

STRAUSS
Why would I want to be alone with you?

GLENN
Why would you? Fine. I’ll be in the Library.

Door slams.

STRAUSS
So … At last we are alone.

CONTESSA
Oh, don’t you start.

Musical segue.


ACT FOUR SCENE FOUR

Lightning and rain.

MODO
Master.

STRAUSS
Modo! I had thought you dead!

CARSTAIRS
He should be!

MODO
The serpents fed upon the corpses of the others, and I was able to dig my way through the time-rotted walls. I returned to you.

TUHK
You were with Morgan and the others.

MODO
Yes! But while they defied you I said nothing! I am but a worm before you both!

STRAUSS
You have betrayed me, Modo.

MODO
I’m sorry, Master! I was entranced by a pretty smile and pair of perfect, perfect legs. I have been a fool.

CARSTAIRS
Glenn thinks of you as a pet. Nothing more.

MODO
I know this now, and have crawled back home here to throw myself on your mercy. I am unworthy. I wish now only to serve.

STRAUSS
It’s hard to get good help.

TUHK
It is your decision.

CARSTAIRS
I wouldn’t.

STRAUSS
Oh, I can’t stay mad at you! Welcome back, Modo!

MODO
Oh, Master! Would you like a footrub?

STRAUSS
Not now, Modo. But you stay away from the women. Do you hear?

MODO
Master.

Lightning cracks.

STRAUSS
Our plan reaches fruition.

TUHK
Agreed. My mummies are weak compared to your creation, but without my elixir your great work will never leave that table. We are partners. The world will be ours!

STRAUSS
All that we require now is a brain!

MODO
What happened to the brain we had? I fetched it myself!

STRAUSS
Well, I was resetting the brain pan, and the floor was wet, and … look, accidents happen, all right? If you’d been here instead of gallivanting across Europe having a high old time of it-

MODO
So now it’s my fault.

STRAUSS
I’m not saying that … What do you know?

MODO
Let’s see … I know that if you’re left on your own you like a drink. I know that you get easily bored. I know that you can’t leave anything alone, that you have to pick, pick, pick at things until you’ve ruined them. I know-

STRAUSS
You know too much.

MODO
So we need a new brain.

STRAUSS
A good one! None of that escaped mental patient rubbish!

MODO
I’ll see what I can dig up, Master.

STRAUSS
Faithful Modo.

Musical segue.


ACT FOUR SCENE FIVE

General hubbub.

VILLIERS
Quiet! You will all be quiet!

NAMELESS VILLAGER
We’ve lost three villagers in the last two weeks! Hansel! Anna! Old Braun the woodcutter!

OLD BRAUN
No, I’m here.

NAMELESS VILLAGER
Oh, well … Still, two people! Ever since the strangers came to Castle Strauss!

MAGDA
Doom! All is doom! Doom doom doom!

General hubbub.

NAMELESS VILLAGER
We should burn out the castle! As my father did, and as did his father, and his father before him!

VILLIERS
They are missing, yes, but so far that is all! Anna and Hansel were young and in love. They may have eloped, and we may hear from them at any time. Do you hear me?

MAGDA
What about the things people have seen?

OLD BRAUN
I saw lights in the churchyard two nights ago. And the Reverend says the graves have been disturbed!

MAGDA
Shadows in the night! Evil walks! Evil! Evil!

VILLIERS
Superstition and night terrors, nothing more. While I’m Police chief here there will be no mob rule. Do you hear me?

NAMELESS VILLAGER
We hear you, Inspector Villiers.

Disatisified grumble.

But we won’t listen forever …

Musical segue.


ACT FOUR SCENE SIX

Storm and lightning. Horse drawn carriage stops.

CRASH
Well, here we are, at last. Austria. And high up on the mountaintop – Castle Strauss!

Lightning.

If only we hadn’t been delayed in Tangiers …

BUDDY
Aw geez! Do we go straight on up?

CRASH
No. We follow the plan. Excuse me, Ma’am?

MAGDA
What? What is it?

CRASH
Could you direct me to the nearest Hotel or Inn?

MAGDA
Seek you bed and breakfast?

CRASH
That would be nice, yes.

MAGDA
I know of such a place, run by my nephew Pieter! He is good boy! You listen to Old Magda!

CRASH
Okay … thanks …

MAGDA
Follow me …

Footsteps.

CRASH
Listen .. What can you tell us about the Castle?

MAGDA
No! Go not to the Castle Strauss! No one ever goes to the castle … and no-one ever comes back!

CRASH
Er … okay …

MAGDA
Take old Braun, for example! Last week he didn’t go up! And he’s still here! To tell the tale of what didn’t befall him!

CRASH
Er, right. Is this the place?

MAGDA
The Swine and Sausage, aye. Enjoy your stay!

CRASH
Thanks.

BUDDY
What a nice lady.

VILLIERS
Good evening.

BUDDY
Hi!

VILLIERS
I am Inspector Villiers. I keep the peace here.

CRASH
That’s good to know. Crash Morgan, Special Agent F.B.I., Kansas State Junior Spelling Bee Champion 1927 and amateur Sword Swallower at your service.

VILLIERS
I see. F.B.I., eh? I’ll be direct. We do not like strangers here, Herr Morgan. They disturb the peace. We’ve had little enough of that these past two weeks.

CRASH
We’re not here to cause trouble.

VILLIERS
You see that you are not. Good evening!

Footsteps off.

BUDDY
Aw geez, Crash …

MODO
Master Morgan …

CRASH
Modo! What are you doing there?

MODO
Lurking. Where have you been?

CRASH
We got delayed. How’s Glenn and the Contessa? Have you told them we’re okay?

MODO
I can’t risk going near them, but they’re fine. Carstairs is suspicious.

CRASH
That dirty rat!

MODO
Listen – Tuhk An Khum and the Master have formed an alliance! They intend to take over the world!

Lightning.

BUDDY
Aw geez!

CRASH
Oh yeah. We’ve been her before.

MODO
Thuk An Khum has roamed the countryside, and has fed. The village is wound up too tight now, like the old clock in the west bell tower.

CRASH
We heard that, yes.

MODO
One more turn of the key, and it’ll go “cuckoo!” But I had an idea. The master’s creation needs a new brain …

Musical segue.


ACT FOUR SCENE SEVEN

Doorbell.

VILLIERS
You again! What brings you to my Police Station, Herr Morgan?

CRASH
There’s some things I need to tell you, and a favour I need to ask, one lawman to another.

VILLIERS
I am a man of the law, Herr Morgan. To the letter.

CRASH
Of course. And I respect that. You’re obviously a true American, except that you happen to come from Austria.

VILLIERS
Thank you. I think. What can I do you for you?

CRASH
You’ll know when the time comes …

Musical segue.


ACT FOUR SCENE EIGHT

Doorbell.

STRAUSS
I’m coming, I’m coming!

Doorbell twice.

STRAUSS
Yes?

CRASH
Hi. We’re a couple of passing Chess Grandmasters and our car blew a tyre. Can we use your phone?

STRAUSS
What?

CRASH
Well, we were just passing through, and our car blew a tyre …

STRAUSS
You were just “passing through”?

CRASH
That’s right. And our car blew a tyre.

BUDDY, sotto voice
I don’t think he’s buying it, Crash!

STRAUSS
I’m sorry, I’m very busy and … wait!

BUDDY
Uh oh …

STRAUSS
Chess grandmasters? Both of you?

CRASH
That’s right, yes.

STRAUSS
Just coincidentally passing through?

BUDDY
Uh-uh! That’s right!

STRAUSS
That works for me! Come on in … Wipe your feet! Wipe your feet!

Musical segue. Footsteps approach.

Mind yourself on the carpet – it’s a little loose.

Door opens.

It’s an old castle, no help, so what are you to do? And here is your room … If you’d just like to make yourself comfortable, I’ll just go and scrub up and prepare the laboratory.

BUDDY
Scrub up and prepare the laboratory?

STRAUSS
It’s just … a figure of speech. Good night!

Door slams. Key turns.

BUDDY
It’s locked, Crash!

Bangs on door.

Hey! Let us out! Let us out!

CRASH
Aw, geez …

Musical segue.


ACT ONE SCENE NINE

An owl hoots. Laughter.

OLD BRAUN
Come here!

MAGDA
You will never catch me! No! No!

Laughter.

OLD BRAUN
I caught you.

MAGDA
That you have.

OLD BRAUN
How beautiful you are by the moonlight, Anna!

MAGDA
I love you, pumpkin.

OLD BRAUN
I love you, my angel.

Rustling noise. Ominous music.

MAGDA
Something in the bushes? We have strayed too close to the castle! We’re doomed! Doomed!

OLD BRAUN
Ach, it is nothing. There is nothing there. Besides, there is nothing to fear while I have this!

MAGDA
Ooh! It’s huge!

TUHK
Ahhhh …

MAGDA
There is something! I sees it!

OLD BRAUN
Behind me! Nothing can hurt you while I carry my great axe!

Rustling noise. Sting.

TUHK
Blood …

MAGDA
It be hideous! Hideous!

TUHK
Silence crone! You will be a poor meal … but feast I must …

OLD BRAUN
Stand back, creature! I warn you!

Whacking noise, then splintering.

Ooops.

TUHK
Blood …

OLD BRAUN
Run Magda! Run!

Running and sobbing. OLD BRAUN and TUHK struggle.

You will not pass …

TUHK
Blood …

Wet biting noise. OLD BRAUN cries out. Musical segue.


ACT ONE SCENE TEN

Door creaks open.

MODO
Mistresses!

GLENN
Modo!

MODO gasps with delight.

CONTESSA
Let go of him, Glenn.

MODO
I … can’t … breathe …

GLENN
I’m so sorry.

MODO
No! Don’t stop!

CONTESSA
We thought you we dead!

MODO, whispering
We escaped! Crash is near! They think I’m working for them again!

CONTESSA
Crash alive? Praise be to God!

GLENN
Oh, I’m so happy!

MODO gasps in pleasure again!

CARSTAIRS
Put that creature down!

STRAUSS
What are you doing here, Modo?

MODO
I’m sorry, Masters! I’m sorry!

CARSTAIRS
You’ll hold that creature yet not allow me?

GLENN
Before I’d let you touch a hair on my head I’d marry him and bear his children!

MODO gasps. Yes!

STRAUSS
We will have words, Modo. Not nice words. Pointy pointy words.

MODO
Master.

STRAUSS
However, in the meantime, I have procured us some nice, fresh bursty brains. They are locked in the main guest bedroom, my Great Grandfather’s old room.

MODO
Your poor, poor Great Grandfather.

STRAUSS
Yes. There’s the tall good-looking one in the leather flying jacket –

CONTESSA, whispering
Crash!

STRAUSS
And the weird little one with the baseball cap.

GLENN, whispering
Buddy!

STRAUSS
They’re Chess Grandmasters, would you believe it!

CARSTAIRS
Wait!

GLENN
Oh no!

STRAUSS
What?

CARSTAIRS
Just when you need a brain to complete your prototype zombie superman two strangers claiming to be Chess Grandmasters turn up at your remote castle in the middle of the night? Doesn’t that seem suspicious to you?

STRAUSS
Ah, but their car had broken down, you see, and they needed to use the phone!

Rumble of thunder.

CARSTAIRS
Fair enough, righty ho.

CONTESSA
Thank the heavens!

STRAUSS
Here is the key to their room, and I am going to give the key for safekeeping-

MODO
Master?

STRAUSS
To Carstairs here.

MODO
Oh.

STRAUSS
Now go, Modo, and prepare my laboratory, and Modo!

MODO
Master?

STRAUSS
Reflect upon your unworthiness!

MODO
I live to serve.

Footsteps off.

STRAUSS
And you, Carstairs! Take Miss Fairweather!

CARSTAIRS
Where?

STRAUSS
Anywhere not here. Use your imagination!

GLENN
Get your hands off me! I can walk by myself …

CARSTAIRS
God, you’re cruel, yet still I love you. I am a fool.

STRAUSS
She’s cruel, you’re an idiot, yes yes. Scram!

Footsteps.

So …

CONTESSA
At last we are alone?

STRAUSS
Yes!

CONTESSA
You’re not the monster I suppose you to be?

STRAUSS
It’s like you can read my mind!

CONTESSA
Aren’t you forgetting something?

STRAUSS
Ah! That walking sack of bones and bandages! With the life-giving serum infused into the body of my creation I can synthesise more whenever I need it. I no longer need him!

Lightning.

But I need you. I have brought fine wine.

Clinking noises.

Let us drink to our new alliance and … to our love!

CONTESSA
All three of us?

STRAUSS
What?

TUHK
Ahhhh …

STRAUSS
Tuhk! How lovely to see you! How long have you been standing there?

TUHK
Long enough.

STRAUSS
Er … glass of wine?

TUHK
I never drink … wine.

Thunder rumbles again.

You would steal my beloved Bathwata away from me.

STRAUSS
Without me you will be unable to create zombie supermen.

TUHK
I have spent these last few weeks reading your journals, learning your secrets. It would appear, Strauss, that we no longer need each other.

STRAUSS, desperately afraid
Modo! Modo!

CONTESSA
You sent him to prepare the laboratory, remember?

STRAUSS
Curses!

TUHK
Be happy, Doktor Strauss. I will complete your work and you will live forever … in the body of your own creation …

Footsteps. Music swells.

STRAUSS
No! No! (screams) No!

Musical segue. Lab noise.

TUHK
Modo … What are you doing ..?

MODO
Nothing … Master Strauss! What have you done to him?

TUHK
Aid me.

Rumble and lightning.

The storm gathers.

MODO
The Master! What have you done! No!

Running feet.

CONTESSA
All desert you. The true face of evil is impossible to endure.

TUHK
It matters not. I am Tuhk An Khum the Undying, and all fall before me.

TUHK laughs. Musical segue.


ACT ONE SCENE ELEVEN

CARSTAIRS
All that I’ve done, I’ve done for you. Can you not see that?

GLENN
Oh Willsy. You used to be so good. That was what I loved about you.

CARSTAIRS
Love? You don’t know the meaning of the word. You’ll never understand. I’d kill for you.

GLENN
I understand that you’ve gone mad! Mad!

CARSTAIRS
Do you know, I no longer care what you think.

GLENN
Let go of me! Let go!

Loud thump, and slumping.

Modo?

MODO
He was hurting you, Mistress.

GLENN
Oh, Modo …

MODO
Get the key from his top pocket. That’s it, and his pistol as well! We have to free Master Morgan!

Running feet and musical segue. Latch opens.

CRASH
At last!

BUDDY
Aw geez!

GLENN
Crash!

CRASH
Glenn! Where’s the Contessa?

GLENN
Oh! So she’s the one you wanted to see, is she?

CRASH
I … she … That’s not what I meant!

MODO
Mistress Contessa is with Master Tuhk.

CRASH
We have to save them!

GLENN
Well, if we must!

Lightning strike.

MODO
You don’t understand! I’ve sabotaged the capacitors! Every time the lightning strikes they threaten to overload and then this whole castle will explode!

BUDDY
Aw geez! We can’t leave her! She’s almost one of the good guys!

MODO
I’ll save her! Run!

CRASH
You’re a brave man, Modo, with a noble heart!

MODO
Thank you.

GLENN
You asked me once whether it would be impossible for someone like me to love someone like you.

MODO
Mistress?

Kiss.

GLENN
I’ll always remember you. Modo.

CRASH
Some how we have to get a signal to Inspector Villiers in the village!

MODO
I’ll arrange it! Now go!

Running feet. Musical segue. .


ACT FOUR SCENE TWELVE

Metal instruments downed.

TUHK
The operation is complete. The Doktor keeps very thorough notes. It is time!

Cranking noise followed by a crack of lightning and a heavy crackling.

The capacitors … are full!

CONTESSA
You are mad! Mad!

Huge special effect, then microwave ping.

TUHK
Nothing … Why will you not move?

Distant bells.

The bell tower ..?

Fade up volume on the bells.

MODO
The bells! The bells! The villagers will come!

Fade bells down.

TUHK
We must flee … flee …

CONTESSA
What about Strauss?

TUHK
The experiment is a failure. Leave the patchwork corpse to the vermin. Come!

Footsteps off. Rumble of thunder. Heavy creak and music.

STRAUSS, gravelly
I … live …

Musical segue.

Running footsteps.

CARSTAIRS
Not so fast.

CRASH
You weasel! How did you get in front of us?

CARSTAIRS
I’ve been here long enough to have learned all the little shortcuts, Morgan. Now, I do believe you have something of mine.

GLENN
Willsy! We have to get out of here!

CARSTAIRS
I heard. I wasn’t quite as unconscious as you thought. Your little friend may be inhumanly strong but I’ve noticed that he doesn’t like to risk hurting people unnecessarily. A weakness.

GLENN
You’d not have though so once.

CARSTAIRS
There’s a great many things I’d not have thought or done, once. You are my inspiration, Glenn. You are my dark muse.

Metal noises.

Here, catch.

CRASH
Swords?

CARSTAIRS
It’s very convenient the way they leave these things just lying around in castles, don’t you think?

CRASH
Yes, but … swords?

CARSTAIRS
Why not? I fenced for Oxbridge. You may be the better man but I’m the better swordsman. You don’t stand a chance!

Gunshot.

Glenn ..?

Thump.

CRASH
Glenn?

GLENN
He would have killed you, Crash. He was a master swordsman.

BUDDY
Aw geez! You killed Carstairs!

CARSTAIRS
She killed me a long time ago … the bullet just finished the job …

CARSTAIRS dies. Music.

GLENN
I’m so sorry …

Lightning.

CRASH
We’ve got to go! Now!

Musical segue.


SCENE THIRTEEN

An owl hoots. Movement through the underground.

VILLIERS
Over there! In the bushes!

MAGDA
He killed Old Braun! Tore him apart like a wet tissue!

NAMELESS VILLAGER
After them!

More running noises.

CONTESSA
If you leave me behind you can escape.

TUHK
I have waited millennia for you. I will not leave you now!

CONTESSA
You’ve already lost me! Why will you not understand that!

TUHK
No, I …

VILLIERS
Circle round them!

NAMELESS VILLAGER
We have them! By God!

TUHK
Fools! I am Immortal!

Guns bark out.

Get clear, my Bathwata! Get clear!

Guns again!

Fools! Your pitiful weapons cannot harm me!

Ripping noises. A scream.

NAMELESS VILLAGER
It’s unstoppable!

CONTESSA
The torches! Use fire!

TUHK
What?

Flare of torches.

No! No, my love!

Burst of flame. TUHK screams his last!

No!

CONTESSA, sobbing
Free .. At long last …

Musical segue.

STRAUSS
What has become of me? My hands … so huge, so cold … My face! My beautiful little beard! Gone!

Rumble.

I feel … so strange … so powerful …

MODO
Master.

STRAUSS
Modo! What has happened to me?

MODO
Where’s Mistress De D’urbervilles?

STRAUSS
I don’t know ... Escaped with Tuhk An Khum? Help me, Modo. We must leave here. The Mummy’s elixir courses through my veins now and we can begin again elsewhere, you and I. The world can be ours! Mainly mine, admittedly, but still!

STRAUSS starts to laugh.

MODO
No.

STRAUSS
No?

Rumble again.

MODO
I left here your slave and returned … something else. I won’t let you poison the world in which my Mistress Glenn lives with your madness any more, “Master”, and I don’t wish to let my love become tainted in time, as did Master Carstairs. Let it end now. Let us end now.

STRAUSS
Out of my way!

Scuffle. STRAUSS grunts.

MODO
I’m as strong as you are. Just wait.

STRAUSS
Get off me! Wait? For what?

MODO
The capacitors to overload.

Runble overhead. Sparking noises.

STRAUSS
You fool! One more lightning strike could burst this castle like a frog on a hotplate!

MODO
I know. We belong dead.

Lightning strikes. Huge explosion. Musical segue.


ACT FOUR SCENE FOURTEEN

Pouring rain.

NAMELESS VILLAGER
There’s nothing left!

MAGDA
The evil is destroyed! Burned out! Burned away!

CRASH
Inspector Villers?

VILLIERS
You survived! I heard the bells, and brought the Villagers. I knew it was the signal of which you spoke.

GLENN
Oh, Crash!

CRASH
Oh, Glenn!

Swelling music.

CONTESSA
I have lost two loves tonight, one unwanted, one impossible.

BUDDY
Aw shucks, Contessa! I think you’re swell!

CONTESSA
But I have learned self sacrifice, from a brave and noble little hunchback.

GLENN
Oh Crash! Do you think there’s any hope Modo survived?

CRASH
I’m sorry, Glenn. He’s toast. Without him, we could never have defeated Tuhk An Khum and Strauss.

CONTESSA
But surely Modo destroyed Strauss? And the Villagers and I destroyed Tuhk An Khum?

CRASH
Yes, he was a great help, and no mistake.

CONTESSA
What will happen to me now?

CRASH
We’ve got to take you in, Contessa. I’m sorry.

CONTESSA
I understand.

GLENN
And us, Crash? What happens to us?

CRASH
I don’t know, Glenn – except that we’ll never be apart again!

BUDDY
Aw geez!

End music.

NARRATOR
So the world is safe again! What further adventures await our heroes? Find out next week in the next amazing Crash Morgan serial: Crash Morgan and the Quest for Atlantlis!

THE END